I’d never put much thought intowhyI was such a sexual sadist, but standing here now, wanting for the first time to go against what I had always thought was my true nature, I understood.
I liked to tie my partners up because it made me feel safe and in control. If they were restrained, they couldn’t touch me in ways I wasn’t comfortable with.
I dominated others so they couldn’t dominate me.
I hurt others so they couldn’t hurtme.
Would I still have craved these things if Raz hadn’t tortured me the way he had? Was this really who I was? Or were these kinks born through trauma?
Did it even matter?
Satan…I was so fucking damaged…
As I worked my way through what a human therapist would have probably called abreakthrough,I realized Gabe was still talking.
I shook my head, snapping myself out of my unsettling psychological epiphany so I could focus on what he was saying.
“We don’t always need to have rough, kinky sex, Shemhazai. If you want something softer sometimes, that’s okay too.”
I frowned, still feeling so fucked up and confused. “I thought you liked kinky? You told me you like pain.” When I’d fucked him over Yule, he’d begged me to hurt him. It’d been such a fucking turn-on…
Would he be bored if we had vanilla sex?
WouldIbe bored?
No… I hadn’t been bored the last few times, and all things considered—outside of the fact that consenting to bottom had been new for me—the sex had been relatively tame compared to what I was used to.
Gabe shrugged.
“Idolike it when you hurt me. But I like it when you’re soft, too. Two things can be true at once, Shemhazai.” He kissed me gently and guided my hands around his waist, placing my hands on his tight, pert ass.
My cock throbbed as my fingers brushed his crease.
“If you want tomake loveto me, I’m not gonna say no.” He smirked against my lips, and I scoffed, wrinkling my nose.
“Ew. Don’t say it like that,” I snapped, cringing at how fucking lame that sounded, and he laughed softly, his citrine eyes sparkling with mischief.
“I just want you inside me. However you want to go about doing that is fine with me.”
I searched his face, tracing my fingers gently up and down the crease of his ass. My cock grew even harder as he rocked his hips back into my hands in response to my touch.
“Alright,” I finally agreed. “Dry off and get on the bed. I’ll see if I can… be gentle.”
The words felt foreign and strange rolling off my tongue, but it was a little exciting to try something I hadn’t done in… well, maybeever.
He smirked at me, kissing the tip of my nose.
“Sobossy,” heteased, and I smacked his ass, grinning.
“Hurry up, little bird, before I change my mind and edge you till you scream.”
He laughed and shook his head, stepping out of the shower and grabbing a towel to dry off.
Gabe left the bathroom, and I found myself hovering again, hesitant to follow him.
My discarded clothes were still lying in a heap on the ground, and I fought the reflexive urge to put them back on.
Instead, I wrapped a towel around my waist and leaned my hands on the white porcelain podium sink, staring at myself in the tiny, foggy mirror.
