He peeked up at me, his green eyes swimming, and he had an adorable little crease on his brown that I gently smoothed out with my thumb.
“Well… I wasn’t alright. Not for a long time. I was broken and miserable serving Yahweh after Raziel left. Yahweh made me general. Once I was able to exist without constantly being bound by that awful noose, Yahweh learned I was actually pretty powerful. I put all my effort into training and learning how to be strong so that if… if he ever came back, I would stand a chance.”
I nodded, doing my best to keep my face blank of the fury that was wreaking havoc on my internal organs.
“It wasn’t until Ramel was created that I finally found someone else I thought I might be able to trust. He was the first angel I’d seen besides myself with black wings, and I knew we were going to be friends.
“When Ramel told me he was in love with Lilith, queen of the underworld, I didn’t trust it at first. I wasn’t sure about giving myself to another god… one that very well could be worse than the one I was already tied to, but… Lilith was…”
I nodded in understanding. Lilith wasamazing.She was everything Yahweh wasn’t. Understanding, fair, kind. She was someone worth following, and I swore myself to her the moment she returned to her rightful place as ruler of Hell.
“I rediscovered sex with Lilith and Ram. The first time I had an orgasm since Raz, Lilith had used her mouth on me… She was so gentle, and it felt so good. She didn’t humiliate me after. We all cuddled, and it was really the first time I felt safe after sex.”
“Why do you stay covered in Hell? Surely Raziel can’t see you in Hell. Even Yahweh himself is blind to Hell’s happenings.”
Shem shrugged. “Hell feels a little safer because I know Raz can’t see me, but I still don’t love people looking at my scars. Ram and Lil have seen them, but we don’t talk about it. They know it makes me uncomfortable, so they never acknowledge it when I slip up. There’s been the odd time when I’ve gotten lost in the moment and let them see, but… I do it sparingly. “
He frowned, and I smoothed my thumb over the crease in his brow. “It’s why I usually prefer to watch. I don’t want to be treated as a victim. Lilith and Ram have never made me feel that way, and they’ve always respected the fact that I clearly didn’t want to talk about it… But I never wantedyouto see.”
His green eyes turned glassy as he looked up at me from under his lashes.
“You’re different. I didn’t want you to think I was this pathetic, hideous monster that couldn’t even fight off one asshole angel.”
A growl built in my chest at his words. I curled my fingers in his hair and jerked his head back, basically speaking directly into his mouth.
“You are notpathetic. You were brand new, Shemhazai. The angel equivalent of achild.You trusted someone who was supposed to protect and take care of you. That doesn’t make you weak. You’re not to blame forwhat happened. That blame lies with Raziel and Raziel alone, and I willkillhim for putting his hands on what’s mine.”
My promise hung between us, and Shem grinned at me, looking amused but also slightly turned on from how aggressively I’d grabbed him.
“I like this new possessive side of you.” He sobered somewhat, his voice turning quiet. “I think I’ve been trying to get a reaction like this out of you for a long time. When you didn’t chase me that first time I left, I wasfuriouswith you. I was trying to do everything I could to get you to look at me. Towantme. I think that’s part of why I kissed that witch at the club. I wanted to make you jealous. I wanted you tocare.”
He peeked at me shyly. “That kind of backfired. When I saw you doing the same thing with the twins, I was so furious I could have fucking killed someone. I’m honestly impressed I didn’t unmake Sköll… It’s for the best that I didn’t. Hecate would have beenpissed.”
I gaped at him, completely surprised by this admission.
“Shemhazai. I’malwayslooking at you. I’vealwayswanted you. I was just trying to give you space. You constantly go on about how clingy Art was. I was trying to give you the space I thought you wanted.”
“Yeah, well. Art wasn’tyou,Gabriel,” he whispered, reaching out to trace a finger down my cheek.
“Maybe I want you to be a little clingy. I want you to chase me when I run.”
I stared at him, waiting to see if he would make light of it or smirk and tell me he was just kidding. But he was as serious as I’d ever seen him.
I wrapped my arms around him and drew him in tight, pressing my nose into his hair and breathing in his spicy cardamom scent.
“Careful what you wish for, Shemhazai, Demon of Chaos… Because there is nowhere you could run that I would not follow.”
“Promise?”
“Oh, my sweet, silly little hellcat. Yes, I promise. You’ll never be rid of me now.”
Shem let out a soft sigh and snuggled deeper into my chest, his warm breath tickling my clavicle.
“Good. I’m tired of being alone.”
“You’ll never be alone again, baby. I’m here now. I’ve got you.”
His breathing mellowed out, and I kissed the top of his head, holding him tightly against me as he succumbed to a peaceful slumber.
