I sighed. “Alright. I’ll apologize. But that doesn’t mean it’s ‘cause I want to date him! It’s just the polite thing to do!” Even I could tell I was slurring, and Theo rolled her eyes again, snatching the tequila out of my hand as she stood up.
“Whatever, man. Just… make sure you break up with Joanna while you figure your shit out. Though I doubt she’s really going to care. I think she’s as gay as you are,” she muttered, and I scowled at her back as she deposited our cups in the sink.
“I never agreed that I was gay!” I yelled after her, but she just waved me off and slipped out the back door on her way to the guest house.
I’m not gay… am I?
Remembering how good Cal’s hand had felt around my cock and how quickly he had been able to get me to come, I shuddered.
Okay. Maybe I was a little gay…
Hoping Cal might have sent me a text, I slipped my phone out of my pocket and checked my messages … but… there was nothing.
My fingers hovered over the keys, and I contemplated messaging him for a moment, then I pussied out.
“Ugh… why is this so confusing?” I grumbled, running a hand through my hair. Instead of texting Cal, I opened my text thread with Joanna. The last interaction I had with her had been nearly two weeks ago, and it was completely clinical.
We set up dates like we were setting up business meetings. I thought about what Theo had said and wondered if there was any truth to it. Were Joanna and I just two closeted people whohad been clinging to each other because we thought a hetero couple was what the world wanted to see?
‘It’s okay if you are, Ryan. No one fucking cares.’
Was Theo right? Would no one really care if I dated a man? Would it make a difference for the business if people thought the funeral director was gay? Our industry was very traditional… I had always assumed that was why Theo hadn’t wanted any part of the family business.
I couldn’t be sure.
What I could be sure of was that Theo was definitely right about Joanna. If I was even having these thoughts at all, it didn’t feel fair to her that I led her on.
Before my alcohol-addled brain could talk me out of it, I fired off a text.
Ryan:
Hey Joanna. I hate to do this over text, but… I don’t think this is working. I think we should end things. You’re great. It’s not you at all. I’m going through some stuff. If you want to talk more about it, let’s get coffee tomorrow.
She read it almost immediately, and I watched as the dots appeared, indicating she was writing back. God, I was such an asshole.Who breaks up with someone over text?
Joanna:
Hi Ryan. Nice to hear from you. Sorry to hear you’re going through some things. I would love to have coffee tomorrow to chat. No hard feelings. Let me know if there’s anything I can do to help you through this difficult time.
My eye twitched. This couldn’t be normal, could it? We basically just broke up with the same level of emotion you would put into a corporate email chain.
Jesus fucking Christ…
It had never bothered me before, but now I was suddenly imagining how Cal would react if I had ever sent him a text like that.
He would probably break into my fucking bedroom and tie me to the bed until I changed my mind…My cock twitched in my pants at the thought, only to immediately deflate when I realized that might no longer be the case… not after the way I had treated him.
I got up from the table and wandered out into the backyard. It was a beautiful night. The moon was up, and the silvery light was enough to illuminate our back porch, casting nighttime shadows across Iris’ garden.
The fresh air helped clear my tequila brain enough for me to seriously consider texting Cal again.
I opened our conversation and stared at it.
I was such adickto him all the time… guilt churned in my gut. Re-reading our messages from this morning with fresh eyes, it was hard not to feel like an absolute douchebag. He was always so chipper and fun. I was this miserable asshole who just kept trying to push him away…
“Fuck.” I growled out loud. Even now, I couldn’t even send him a simple text saying‘I’m sorry.’Why? Was it because I was afraid of how he made me feel?
“Uhm. Hey.”
