“You don’t know that,” I growled, snatching up his hand and slamming it down next to his head. “When I’m triggered, I’m not in control… even before… what I did to you in the prep room. It’s like my mind goes blank, and I black out. I’ll never forgive myself if I hurt you, Ryan.”
The playful heat that had been brewing faded as his expression sombered.
“You’re afraid, and I don’t blame you,” he said softly, and I scowled.
“I am notafraid.”
He chuckled softly, but there was no joy in it.
“You are, and that’s okay, angel. Your whole life just changed overnight, and now you have to face everything that’s been done to you. I would be shocked if you weren’t afraid. But we’ll figure this out together. Yes, you have triggers, but we’ll work together to overcome them. It’ll take time, but we have all the time in the world now.”
“You’re much too calm and logical.” I snarked, though I was grinning now.
He shrugged, well, as much as he could with the way I had him pinned to the bed.
“I would apologize, but one of us has to think things through. I love you, baby, but you’re not exactlymethodical. You’re the most impulsive person I’ve ever met.”
His eyes were sparkling with mischief, and I tightened my hold on his throat, unable to stop the grin that spread across my face.
I was never going to get tired of him telling me he loved me.
“Is that so?” I teased. He opened his mouth to respond, but whatever he was going to say was cut off as I flipped him over and yanked his jeans down.
“Hey! What the fuck—”
“Well, I just had theimpulseto fuck your ass raw.”
“Cal! I just made the bed—”He squirmed beneath me in protest, but I wasn’t having any of it.
I slapped him hard enough that he yelped.
“You want me to work to overcome my triggers, baby?” I asked gruffly, snatching the lube off the end table and coating Ryan’s crack with it.
He wasn’t fighting me anymore. Instead, he was arching his back, wiggling his hips toward me. My heart fluttered in my chest at how ready and willing he was to let me take him.
Fuck, I didn’t deserve this man.
“Yes, angel. I want to help you in any way you need.” His beautiful words were at odds with the huskiness of his voice. I ran my fingers up and down his slippery crack before slipping them into him without warning.
“Mmpphh, fuck!”he shouted as I pumped in and out of him. He was still soft from all the dick he’d taken last night, and my cock began to leak at the thought of sinking into him again.
“My urges aren’t just going to go away, Ryan,” I warned him, curling my fingers into the button deep inside him that made his cock fuckingweepfor me.
He couldn’t reply; he only groaned and ground his hips into the bed.
“If I can’t kill people, I’m going to need another outlet,” I growled. I could feel the darkness I’d been repressing curl in my chest. “Are you going to let me use you the way I need, baby?”
“Fuck,yes,Callum…” Ryan whined. “Use me.”
An approving rumble grew in my chest, and I pulled my fingers out of him. He whimpered in protest, but I was already too far gone to feel bad.
I was a sadist. I knew I was.
It wasn’t clear to me whether I had always been like this or if Damian had made me this way, but it didn’t matter.
The fact was, I needed to inflict pain on others. It allowed me to feel in control of my otherwise out-of-control life. Ryan was offering himself up to be that person for me, but I wasn’t sure he knew what that entailed.
The amount of fucked up shit I wanted to do to him was so far removed from what most people considered to be acceptable during sex, and I was worried I would scare him away if I really let my monster out.
