“There’s nothing to do,” I said gently. “This isn’t a contest, you can’t win me back.”
“Jagiya, stop.” He reached for me as I turned around. “Stop, please.” He held my hand, and it wasn’t a demanding hold. I could have pulled away if I’d wanted to. But damn if I didn’t wanted to give him a chance to make me not want to.
“Please, Ky,” he begged. “Everything I am, everything I do, is tied to you. I can not untie myself. I tried. I do not want to try again.”
Looking up at him felt like trying to look at the sun. It hurt, but I couldn’t help myself. It was wreathed in agony, and the emotion I didn’t know how to reconcile with who we were now.
Love.
“I belong to you,jagiya. I have ever since the first moment I saw you. I am yours. I will always be yours, and you are mine.”
“I haven’t been yours for a very long time.”
I turned away, unable to bear it. I couldn’t keep listening to the words I had wanted to hear for so long. I couldn’t stand to see the way he looked at me. I couldn’t.
He wound his arms around my waist. Laid his head on my shoulder. I could feel his chest heaving against my back, feel the way his breaths juddered against my neck.
“I have only ever wanted you.”
My eyes slid closed. I was so tired.
“What do you want from me, Joon?”
“Can’t you tell?” His arms tightened around my waist.
I shook my head, letting it fall forward.
“It’s never that simple.”
“It could be.”
I bit back a bitter laugh, because it had never been that easy.
“And would we tell anyone?”
Or did he expect me to be his secret? Again.
He stiffened, arms banded around my waist like steel beams, but my world careened to the side as he said, “I’ll tell them right now. Is that what it’ll take?”
I didn’t answer, my tongue had frozen.
“Tell mecheonsa,” he said quietly, urgently, “is that what it will take to make you love me again?” He spun me around, and I was so stunned that I didn’t fight it, only looked into his eyes, searching for any hint that he didn’t mean it.
His voice trembled. “All I ever wanted was to tell the world you were mine, but I did not know how to and keep you safe. But you were right. I should have had faith in us. We could make it work now, Kaiya. I would be so proud to be yours in front of the world.”
He waited.
And I… I wanted to say yes.
“No.”
Because wanting something and something being good for you were two different things.
He craned his neck forward, as if he hadn’t heard me.
“What?”
“No,” I said again.
