“Back to London?” He rubbed a hand down his face, and I tried not to remember the last time I’d seen him this way.
“Yes.”
“Can I come, soon?”
I steeled myself. This was why I’d wanted to leave before he woke up.
“I don’t think that would be a good idea,” I said evenly, trying not to see the way his brows furrowed.
“Why not?” He asked, fully awake now.
I took a moment before answering, letting the stillness of the pre-dawn settle between us.
“Nothing’s changed, Joon,” I said softly. “What happened last night was… it doesn’t change anything.”
Between one heartbeat and the next, he had thrown off the duvet and had taken two, long steps to close the distance between us. He cupped my face in his warm, broad hands and tilted it up to his, scrutinising me.
“It changes everything,” he said firmly.
I shook my head, but his hands remained.
“It changeseverything,” he insisted.
I didn’t reply, just looked at him with all the words I wished I could say. I reached up to wrap my fingers around his wrists.
He searched my eyes, looking for answers.
“Do you not forgive me,jagiya? Is that why you’re sneaking out? Tell me what I have to do, and I will do it,” he vowed.
I sighed, and pulled his hands away from my face, needing the space to breath without sharing air with him.
“I do forgive you. I understand why you did what you did.”
Maybe I’d needed to say the words out loud, because I realised they were true. I did forgive him, and I really did understand.
“But that doesn’t change this. Us. We’re too separate. Our lives… they don’t work together.”
“They could,” he said, holding my gaze even when I tried to look away. “They could,” he said more firmly.
Reaching out, he put his hands on my waist, pulling me to him, as if keeping that physical connection would somehow make this better. All it did was make it more unbearable.
“Nothing’s changed,” I said weakly.
“We’ve changed.” His brows furrowed, like he didn’t understand what was happening.
“Maybe that’s the problem.”
And maybe it was. Because I didn’t see how I could go back to the way we’d been, when I wasn’t the same person anymore, and neither was he.
Jihoon shook his head, but not like he didn’t believe me, but like he couldn’t believe we were back here.
“Tell me you don’t still love me, and you can leave.”
“Love was never the problem, Joon.” I said, forcing my voice to be steady, to not betray me. “But I am still leaving.”
I pulled out of his arms, and it felt like tearing myself away from a memory. But that’s all I feared it would ever be. Memory.
“Kaiya, tell me what I have to do,” he implored.
