‘That’s not what I meant.’ He rubs his temples as he walks the short distance over to his desk and pulls out the chair, though he doesn’t sit down.
My irritation rises. I need him to either fuck me or tell me to fuck off, and I’ll push him as hard as I have to, to make sure one of those things happens.
‘When I was made commander and first went out to fight, I would get pretty messed up. Drinks, other stuff … whatever the hell I could find. I just wanted to forget what I saw … the blood, the death. So yeah, I screwed around then. And I don’t remember a lot of it. Am I proud of it? No, but it was years before Thea was stripped of her powers.’ He moves away from the chair and steps towards me, taking my hands. ‘Look, I get you’re in pain right now. And I know what it’s like to be in pain and want to lash out, so we can go outside and we can beat the shit out of each other if that’s what you want. Or I can find us something that will get us blind drunk so you can try to forget the fucking nightmare that you’ve just been through, though I’m going to tell you from experience that it’ll just come back and bite you even fucking harder.’ He sighs. ‘I will do whatever you ask of me, except sleep with you. Not now. Not like this. I don’t want you to regret our first time together.’
‘You don’t know what I’ll feel.’
‘No, but I can take a guess.’ He moves his hands to my waist. I want it to be the same as before – full static sparks that make us rip each other’s clothes off without a second thought – and there’s definitely something there, but it’s different. Deeper. I need him. I need him so fully it hurts.
‘If you wanna keep saying things to try to hurt me, Thorn, then you do that. I can take it. I can take anything apart from being responsible for causing you any more pain. I’ve caused too much already.’
He lifts his finger and grazes my cheek as he pushes a strand of hair behind my ear. My body yearns for his touch in any way it can get it.
‘You haven’t,’ I whisper, only for a single tear to slip down my cheek.
‘I’m not going anywhere, Thorn. I promise you. We have time.’
A lump lodges hard in my throat, bringing on more tears. I don’t want to let them fall.
‘Will you hold me?’ The words crack from my throat, coming from a place so deep inside of me I didn’t even know it was there.
‘Always,’ he replies.
There is no shame, no embarrassment, and no doubt or second-guessing as I remove my gown and let it fall to the floor.
The slightest gasp catches in his throat as his eyes run over my body, but then he moves over to the chest of drawers, pulls out a shirt, and throws it to me.
I catch it in my hands but don’t immediately put it on. Instead, I take a step towards him.
‘What if tonight is all we get?’ I wonder aloud, my voice a cracking whisper. ‘What if tomorrow is the trial, and?—’
He silences me with a kiss, stealing the words from my lips and the air from my lungs. When we break away, his hand brushes through my hair then strokes the small patch of soft skin behind my ear.
‘I will die before I let anything happen to you,’ he says. ‘You have my word.’
I believe him because I can feel it in my bones that he means it. But that still doesn’t answer my question.
‘What if tonight is all we get?’ I ask again.
‘Then I shall spend it holding you,’ he replies. ‘And that will be enough.’
I close my eyes, hearing Llinos’s voice in my ear telling me that this thing between Kyor and me is more than just physical attraction. And damn it, she’s right. She was fucking right.
He lifts my hand to his lips and gently kisses each of my fingertips.
‘Come on, Thorn,’ he says. ‘Lie down. You need sleep.’
I do as he bids and slip under the covers, and a small sigh escapes my lips as he climbs in beside me and wraps his arms around my waist. With his warmth and scent around me, I curl into him. And sleep finally takes me.
Chapter 57
Iwake frequently in the night, startled by the sounds of my dreams. A scream of pain. A gargle from foam-filled lungs. A crackle of fire as the pyre drifts out towards the horizon. But every time my eyes snap open, Kyor is there, his hand stroking my hair as he holds me close.
‘You’re safe. You’re safe, I promise you.’
The only kisses he offers me are chaste and small, pressed to my temples or my forehead, and once or twice against my lips, firm enough to steady my pulse until the next nightmare starts.
When I’m woken the final time, it is not my dreams but laughter that startles me awake. Confused, I sit up.
