As Kyor leaves, I try to think of something to say to Caroline. She mutters quietly as her tears fall in an endless torrent.
‘I should have found you sooner, my love,’ she whispers as she strokesLlin’s tresses. ‘I should have found you the moment this all began, but I was a coward.’
‘You found each other,’ I say, not even sure if she can hear me. ‘You found each other and found your second chance. That’s what matters.’
Caroline doesn’t even glance at me as she continues to comb her fingers through Llinos’s hair.
This wasn’t the way this night was supposed to end. Llinos wanted to stay in the dorm. She didn’t want to even come. If she hadn’t … if Kyor hadn’t fixed it so Caroline could come … Llin would still be alive. If I hadn’t passed the glass to her, Llin would still be alive, and I would likely be dead.
Jonas and Kay are standing off to one side of the room with Hew and William. For a second, I consider going to her. Explaining myself. Telling her that this is what court life really is. Backstabbing and heartbreak and petty personal vendettas stretching through generations.
The only reason Holden wanted me dead was because of the absurd jealousy he had towards my father. This night should be a lesson for us both.
But I can’t tell her that. I can’t even face her. She deserves to cling to her naïveté for as long as she can.
So instead, I turn back to Benny. I can’t imagine the pain that fills him. Of the six Rettlings who arrived from the Eastern Isles, he is the only one who remains.
‘What can I do? What do you need?’ I ask him.
He shakes his head. ‘I’m not sure I even know anymore. She was so mad at me. I thought I’d have time, you know, to put it right.’
‘You did, Benny.’ I place my hand on his shoulder. ‘You know you did. I saw you two. Whatever happened between you, she was moving past it. I’m sure of it.’
He scoffs. ‘I guess we’ll never know.’
My heart throbs. How many times can it get broken and keep beating? How much suffering can one person endure before a heart simply decides it can no longer keep going? I don’t have the answer, but right now I feel closer to that moment of defeat than ever before.
Kay approaches in a similar manner to the way I approached the dire wolf in Afaven Forest. ‘Rose, I’m going to head back home now,’ she says, still visibly trembling. ‘William and Hew are going to walk me.’
I nod dully, a tiny sting piercing my heart that she isn’t willing to stay for me. ‘Goodnight.’
‘Goodnight, Rose.’ She pauses before pressing her lips together and glancing at Jonas. ‘Think over what I said about Jonas. You could make a far worse match than a Lorathin.’
It’s hard not to laugh. I’m mourning the death of one of my closest friends, and Kay is thinking about matchmaking me.
Kay turns away, not even bothering to wish me luck with the next trial or tell me to stay alive. Maybe it’s too hard for her to think of it like that, to face how deadly this all is. Or maybe, like Holden, she also thinks I’m a cockroach who is destined to fall right back into the gutter I came from.
The ball carries on around us, with music and dancing and people skirting around our little group, but we remain in silence until Kyor returns.
‘I have permission from the High Priestess for us to leave the Rettling grounds, and I have two carriages ready. One to take us to the water,’ he says, ‘and the other full of wood to build a raft. That’s right, isn’t it?’
Benny nods.
‘Then we should leave now.’
No one speaks on the carriage ride to the sea. Llin is cradled by Caroline on one seat, with Benny next to her, while Jonas, Kyor, and I cram together on the other.
I am in shock, I realise. My limbs feel weak, detached almost, and I can’t stop trembling. Can’t stop seeing the moment of Llin’s death, her smile fixed forever. You’d think, as a healer’s daughter and then an orphan – and a slum rat – I’d be used to death, but it’s different when it’s a friend. Someone you love. Maybe not loving is the answer.
No one speaks, but at some point the air turns cool and salty as the sound of the gentle lapping of waves drifts into the carriage. I only wish the waves could wash away the memories I can’t stop from flooding through my mind.
As the carriage draws to a halt, the men and I climb out. Caroline stays with Llin, still stroking her hair, and she begins to hum softly, like she would to comfort a small child. My eyes sting and my chest is tight, but I help Kyor and Jonas carry wood from the second carriage to where Benny is lashing each board together expertly. This clearly isn’t the first funereal raft he’s built.
It gives me purpose and a much-needed distraction to do something, to help in some small way, and I move methodically, lifting one plank, then another. I don’t stop – I can’t stop – because if I do, the absence of motion will allow the thoughts to creepin, and the pain will follow.
On the occasions I do look up, I find Kyor or Jonas staring at me, concern etched across their features. But they keep their distance.
‘It’s ready,’ Benny says gently to Caroline, when the raft is finally built. ‘Let me carry her for you,’ he offers.
