‘Because he’s okay, I guess.’
‘Okay?’ My jaw drops. ‘He tried to stay out on the ice. He was on all fours, metres from the finish, ready to give up and die. We had to drag him in, even when he was physically fine. That’s not okay.’
Benny looks down. ‘I meant physically okay,’ he mumbles as I stand. Any cowardice I felt at avoiding my own frailties is gone as I march upstairs to find Jonas.
The really stupid thing is, I don’t actually know where Jonas’s room is. Whenever he wanted to talk, he either waited outside my door or we slipped off during training. Still, there aren’t that many of us left, and many rooms are empty, so it doesn’t take too long to find him.
I knock on the door, open it when I don’t hear an answer and then knock again when I step inside, in the hope it’ll alert him to my presence. Yet he doesn’t even turn, his gaze fixed out of the window.
‘Jonas?’
He jerks like he’s just had a dagger drawn at his throat.
‘Rose, what are you doing here?’
‘I came to see if you were okay. Why else?’
He bites his lip, and for the first time since I arrived at the High Hold, I’m struck by a startling realisation that, with each trial, it gets less and less likely that both of us are going to make it to the end.
‘She won’t ever get her sight back,’ he says quietly. ‘There’s nothing they can do.’
‘There’s nothing they can do at the minute,’ I reply firmly, taking a seat next to him. ‘Maybe they’ll find something later. And there are other healers in Morathka, in Rowell, Dorain, and Galreck. We don’t know whatthey’re capable of.’ My hand hovers above his knee, unsure whether I should actually touch him. But I realise he needs it. He needs physical reassurance. When my hand rests on his thigh, he finally turns to look at me.
‘Jonas, I know that whatever happened, it was an accident. I know you didn’t mean to hurt her.’
‘I should’ve seen.’ He falters, his gaze shifting down again. ‘I should’ve been able to tell it was her, not one of them. I should’ve known from the screaming.’
‘You weren’t the only one who couldn’t tell. Mattieu was going to kill Oke.’ I take a deep breath. ‘It was … insane. I nearly …’ I trail off, not wanting to confess what I nearly did to myself, what I would have done but for Kyor stopping me. Still, Jonas needs the truth, at least some of it, and I hope it will shock him out of this funk to know he isn’t the only one carrying guilt. ‘I killed Oke, and I’m not even sure how. And believe me, that doesn’t make it any better.’
He looks at me again, this time with real shock in his eyes.
‘Youkilled Oke?’
I could have done without the incredulity.
‘Rose,’ he breathes as he reaches for my hand, but I gently shake it away.
‘I didn’t want to do it,’ I say firmly, for myself as much as for him. ‘I was trying to save her. The spirits got to Mattieu, and she was spiralling too.’
Memories surge: the scream, the ice, and the power that shouldn’t have been possible for me to channel. However much we’re sharing in this moment, I have no intention of telling him about that.
‘I don’t blame myself for doing what had to be done. And you shouldn’t blame yourself either.’
He breathes out again in a long sigh. ‘It’s easy for you to say. You killed Oke, yes, but she tried to kill you … how many times? What did Kestria ever do to deserve what I did to her?’
‘Nothing,’ I admit softly. ‘But what did Coulter do to deserve what happened to him at the temple? What did Estel do to deserve her death? These trials … it would be great if the good people finished on top, and though I wish things were that simple, they’re just not.’
‘She’s a good person. She’s … she’s …’ He shakes his head, letting the words fade.
My heart aches for him because he’s right. Kestriaisa good person,and this whole thing just sucks. There was a time when I thought the Retterheld would be a glorious event full of redemption and hope and camaraderie, but it isn’t. It’s dark and insidious and it’s killing us all, one by one.
I take a shuddering breath. ‘Jonas. I don’t know why some of us have survived and some haven’t. I really don’t. But you’re not a bad person. What happened today doesn’t change that.’
He huffs as he presses his lips tightly together. ‘There are things about me, Rose. Things you’d hate me for if you knew.’
‘I doubt it.’ I place my hand over his. ‘Jonas, I knowyou. And if you really have done something that terrible, then whatever it is, I’m sure it’s because you didn’t have a choice.’
His chin dips in the tiniest of nods, and for the first time, it feels like I’m reaching him.
