He doesn’t say anything after that, and it doesn’t take long for his breath to slow and for him to fall asleep. I, on the other hand, can’t turn my brain or my heart into sleep mode. Instead, my mind keeps tossing and turning, tryingto figure out what him sneaking into my bed means. Is this his way of apologizing? Is this him telling me he’s going to work on himself? Let me in on what’s going on in his mind?
Sleep finally wins, and when I wake up there’s no trace of him in my room, exactly like when I was the one sneaking into his room at night. The thought brings a small, but sad, smile to my face.
Chapter 24
I’ve been sneaking into Sloane’s room at night ever since she got back from her friend’s house. I haven’t been able to sleep without her, and I know she can’t sleep without me, or can’t getgoodsleep without me—I can hear her tossing and turning. That’s what made the decision to sneak into her room so easy.
The spilling of my guts just happened. Something about being in a dark room paired with her slow, rhythmic breathing is my own personal truth serum. Which explains why I’m currently telling her about Melissa.
“So, anyway, she was the first actual girlfriend I’ve ever had, if you can even call her a girlfriend, really. I only knew her for about five or six months. We were exclusive, and she did live with me for approximately ten days. Let’s just say she was happy she had kept her apartment. Anyway, she found my collection of peach candles one day—my dirty little secret,” I say, taking a pause, happy she’s sound asleep because this one is kind of embarrassing. “You wouldn’t believe the amount of candles I have. At that point, I hadn’t seen you or heard from you in about five years. It’s safe to say I had way too many for it to be considerednormal. When she confronted me about it, I told her I liked the smell. But the truth is, I was trying to recreateyoursmell. You always smell like peaches and caramel. She got mad—verymad. It’s what ended our relationship.”
I smile. “Apparently, a couple of weeks or months before, I had told her I didn’t like her new shampoo or body wash. Whatever it was, it was peach and salted caramel scented. She ended up putting two and two together, and assumed that either the candles belonged to another woman, or the smell reminded me of another woman. To say she was pissed when she found out would be putting it lightly,” I repeat, thinking back to Melissa. For a bit, I really thought, even though we weren’t crazy serious, that we could be. That she could be the one to erase that little feeling I had in the back of my heart for Sloane. “That was the last relationship I had. Not that it was much to write home about. She never even met all of my siblings, actually.”
At the time I couldn’t bring myself to introduce her to everyone. She kept bugging me to invite her to meet them, though, saying it was time—that we had been seeing each other for long enough, but I just couldn’t do it. I didn’t know why until I walked back into Sloane’s life.
As much I hate to admit it, Summer was right, it’salways been Sloane.
I run my finger through her hair, pushing it away from her face and placing it so it’s not tickling my nose. The last thing I need is to sneeze and wake her up. I don’t want to be kicked out of her bed, it’s the only time I can get my fill of her.
“One of my favorite memories of you is when you were around eight, or maybe ten, I can’t remember anymore.” I pause, before admitting, “It should feel weird, holding the girl I’ve known pretty much since she was born, in bed, but nothing could feel more natural. It’s like everything we’ve shared in the past was for this exact moment. I’ve come to the realization that every memory we’ve created over the years is a stepping stone to this. To me holding you in my arms, to listening to your breathing, to feeling your heartbeat against mine. It’s made me realize that I wouldn’t want to change a thing about us. I think we both needed those years apart . . .” I take another pause, trying to remember the memory I wanted to tell her tonight. I wish I could talk to her like this when she was awake. Instead, everything comes out clumsy.
Earlier today, I tried asking her if she wanted to sit with me in the living room, but it came out as an order, which earned me an eye roll before she stomped to her bedroom. I took the eye roll, though. It was the most attention I’d gotten out of her in days.
With a deep breath, I close my eyes, hugging her closer to my body. “Anyway, back to you being eight or ten. You came home one Friday in June, school was just about to finish, your brother and I were home early, havingjust written our last high school exam. You came home so upset. I don’t think I had ever seen you that upset before. You came in, slammed the door, and ran to your room, locking the door. I remember because Ronan just shrugged in typical older brother fashion, like I’ve done to Summer on more than one occasion, but I couldn’t just leave it. Seeing you so upset made me sick to my stomach, so I followed right behind you.”
The thought of little sassy Sloane makes me smile. “I knocked on your door only for you to tell me to go away. I could hear you crying, though, and there was no way I was going to let you cry without knowing why. I might have been going a little nuts when I used a bobby pin from the bathroom to unlock your door. Anyway, I broke in and took a seat on the floor by your bed. It didn’t take you long to tell me what had happened. Apparently, all the girls in your class had been invited to Jenna Fairview’s birthday pool party. Everyone but you. I don’t know how I remember her name—that’s a lie, she’s been on my shit list since she was eight. Anyone that hurts you ends up on my shit list, even me. I couldn’t just let you cry all night, so instead, I got you laughing. I don’t know how, but it was long enough for me to bake cookies with you that night and then I took you to the biggest water park the next day,” I say, remembering how big her smile had been.
“Your brother was so pissed,” I tell. “We were supposed to go to a house party with our entire graduating class that night. Your brother ended up going, but I didn’t. I stayed at your place and baked cookies with you and your dad then brought you to the water park the next day with ahungover Ronan and Cassie. The funny thing is, never once did I regret not going to that party.”
She gave me a smile today, even asked me if I needed help bringing my coffee to the living room before she left for school. I must be making some headway with her. Looks like the lunches I’ve been packing her are working. I know, or I’ve noticed, that she likes having some kind of meal prep, almost as much as I do, but with her being away last weekend and her hectic schedule with exams starting next week, she hasn’t had time to prepare anything.
Every night, before sneaking into her bed, I’ve been making her lunch and slipping an old note or two in there. The first morning, she didn’t take it, so the second morning I shoved it in her hands as she was walking out. She couldn’tnottake it. She must have enjoyed it, though, because this morning she took it without a question and even gave me a smile as she walked by me sitting on the couch, showing me she had grabbed the bag.
Now, I’m lying in her bed, again, debating what to tell her tonight. Surprisingly, she moved into my chest the minute I got in bed with her and Gigi, who, like the lasttwo nights, has somehow found a spot in the tangle of our legs.
“I don’t know what to tell you tonight. I don’t know if I should keep giving you more memories I have of us, things you don’t know about me that you’ve missed over the years, or if I should tell you what I wished I could have shared with you,” I tell her honestly, as she sleeps. There’s so much I want to tell her, but I don’t know where to even start. Maybe I’ll tell her something I wish she could have been there to experience with me. I’d learned to live without her, but sometimes I just wished she could have been there for certain events, or I could have called to tell her all about it.
“After Melissa—after she pointed out that I secretly collected candles that smelled like you—I decided to just leave. I actually only told your brother and my mom once I had already landed in Vietnam. I needed to just be alone after I realized that I missed you more than I had known or wanted to admit. I needed to figure out why I was missing you so much when all I had to do was pick up the phone and call you, or get Ronan to get us in the same room.”
Melissa had been a turning point for me, yet I still didn’t see or understand just what hold Sloane had on me. If I’m being honest, I didn’t realize it or accept it until I walked into her house a couple months ago.
“I left with my backpack and six weeks of accumulated vacation time. Best decision ever. You would have loved it out there. The people are so kind, the food is amazing, and the sights . . . Did you know rice fields are colorful? It was amazing. I loved every second of it, yet all I could thinkabout was how I wished I was there with you,” I admit to her, thinking back on my time abroad. I should have been having the time of my life, meeting people from all over, but all I could think about was Sloane. How I wished she was there. How she would love this or that. I had promised to bring her anywhere in the world once she was done with her undergrad, knowing that she was going to push through to her doctorate. It was supposed to be Ronan, Cassie, and me making sure she enjoyed life, knowing how captivated with school and studying she could be, but it never happened.
“After Vietnam, I made my way to Thailand, where I snorkelled my life away. Even got to swim with whale sharks,” I continue. “And still, all I could think about was you. All I could think about was how you wouldn’t be able to contain your giggle of joy and excitement at all the colorful fish around me. To be completely honest, I didn’t even make it the full six weeks. After three, I booked a flight back home. It didn’t feel right.Ididn’t feel right.” I take a deep breath. “My goal was to get back home and call you. Track you down if I had too. But then I got home and remembered you didn’t want anything to do with me. I remembered the look on your face when I lashed out at you and I couldn’t make myself call you. I guess . . .” I trail off, thinking about what I’m about to say. “I guess you could say this accident, that drunk driver, was a good thing. It brought you back to me.”
Chapter 25
I spent the last three nights pretending to be asleep as Liam spilled his deepest thoughts with me. Last night was the hardest, though. I never fell asleep, instead listening to his constant, calming breath as I played through what he just said. I knew he was struggling with the accident—the nightmares were just the tip of the iceberg. To hear him say that he was happy, thankful even, for the accident because it brought us back together . . . it healed a part of me I didn’t even know was broken. It kick-started my heart. It made me feel like I just took my first breath. It shot tingles down my spine to my toes, making me shiver in delight.
I shouldn’t be delighted that he got hit by a car. It shouldn’t make me happy, but like him, I had come to the realization that if it wasn’t for that one split second in time, I probably would never have reached out to him, would have never sought him out. I would have kept living with the what if’s, and distant memories of the love I once held for a man I no longer knew.
I’m happy it’s Thursday, a day when I don’t have classes. I even cancelled my office hours this afternoon. Instead of trying to rush out the door, I’m slowly sipping my coffeeat my kitchen table, staring out the window, trying to decide what to do with all the information Liam has given over the last three nights.
When he first started talking about Melissa, I was shocked. It took everything in me not to tense my body. I knew who she was; Cassie had gushed about her.
She had come along about three or four years afterThe Incident. She was gorgeous, everything I wasn’t—blonde, green eyes, average height. The kind of girl who looks cute in her boyfriend’s shirt, unlike me, who would just look like she bought her shirt a size too big. I hated her instantly.
At that point, I really thought my feelings for Liam were gone. That they had disappeared—taken their natural path out of my heart. Melissa showed me that it wasn’t true. I had just been hiding them. It’s when I decided to put myself out there and attempt to date. We all know how that went.
