“Keep that attitude and no woman will want you. Just make her little notes like you used to.” I guess I could startleaving her notes again. It’s not like it’s going to be an adjustment—I never stopped.
Summer keeps me on the phone for a few more minutes before saying she needs to call her old colleague to accept his job offer before she changes her mind. With a promise to keep her in the loop about mysituationship—whatever that means—she hangs up.
Chapter 23
I regretted it the moment I left my house to stay at Jade’s, but I was too proud to make my way back home. I didn’t want to show weakness in front of him, which I know is just stupid. One of us needs to be an adult; we can’t keep going on like this. If we do, one of us is going to break and leave for good.
I regretted leaving, but I needed the space. I needed to cool down. I needed to grasp what had happened. How did I go from living out my deepest desires, to wanting to shove him down a flight of stairs?
I talked to Cassie again—a few times, actually—over the weekend, which made me feel a bit better. I don’t want to make excuses for Liam, but I’m sure his leg had something to do with him reacting that way.
I’ve noticed his mood shifts when he’s in pain, or when he can’t do something on his own. Hereallydoesn’t like not being able to do things on his own. I thought it would get better now that he’s using a cane instead of crutches but it still happens. I can’t say I haven’t noticed him covering his scars all the time, either. I haven’t seen himwear anything but long sleeves since he’s moved in with me.
I also spend time being heartbroken with Jade. Thankfully, her roommate was gone for the weekend, so I was free to mope. That is, until Jade had finally had enough of my sadness and told me to do something about it. She pointed out that, even though I said I was brokenhearted, that I seemed more insulted and mad than anything. She said that we could work with that because we were badass women and that we could figure it out. She said I should do what I do best; I should study him to figure out what his problem was.
She made sure I knew it wasn’t my fault that he acted the way he did, but that maybe gathering some insight might help things. So, when she left for her study group, I did just that. I sat down with a pen and paper and took notes on Liam Jones.
I spent my weekend away doing what I do best—studying. This time, I studied Liam. His accident, his nightmares, and everything involved in a life-changing injury like his. It helped me understand him a little more. He’s always been a grump. I used to laugh and love how he was grumpy because it was toward everyone but me. He always made me feel special. It’s why his outburst shocked me to the core. It didn’t reflect the words he had just told me. It didn’t fit with the tender kisses, and gentle fingers that brought me to new heights.
It helps that, deep down, I know Liam wouldn’t have made love to me like he did if it was just an itch to scratch.
I decided I wasn’t going to walk away as easily as I did last time. After he told me what he told me about our kiss when I was eighteen, I can’t just disappear again. I can’t let time slip away like last time. I need to show him that I’m here, and I’m not going anywhere, even if he tries to push me away. He’s mine, and he’d better learn that quickly. But that doesn’t mean I’m not going to make him work a little.
Will I make him grovel? You bet I will. Plus, who doesn’t love a man who knows how to grovel?
I walk into the house on Sunday and all the confidence I had built up while at Jade’s leaves me. Instead, I’m back to being shy, insecure, and questioning if Liam really does want me. If he really does see me as a woman. As someone he wants to share his life with.
That’s my problem when it comes to Liam—I can never trust my feelings toward him. Him pushing me away when I was eighteen and again at twenty-five really left its mark. I’m back to pulling at the hem of my oversized T-shirt at the thought of bumping into Liam, as I make my way to the kitchen for a glass of water.
A smile breaks across my face when I spy a note stuck to my favorite water bottle. My smile quickly turns to a frown when I read it.
He even added a small umbrella doodle to it.
Rain? They haven’t called for rain today. What is he talking about? My confusion distracts me from hearing or noticing Liam enter the kitchen. I startle when he says, “You’re back.”
The surprise and comfort in his voice is hard to miss. He really thought I was running away again. As much as he hurt me, I’m starting to see that I truly cut him to the soul when I left without a word.
As much as I want to hate him right now, I can’t seem to.
That’s what scares me the most.
“Yeah,” I say, not turning to meet his eyes. I know if I do, I’ll just throw myself at him again. But I can’t. My heart can’t take this pattern of abuse. He hurt me. So, without another word, I make my way awkwardly back to my room, but Gigistays with him.
I can’t sleep. I couldn’t sleep at Jade’s either, or when my brother was over. I can’t sleep because I’m sleeping alone. At some point, my mind and body got used to sleeping with Liam. I got used to his warmth, to the way his one leg would always find a way to tangle into mine, how his hand would graze mine. How his sandalwood scent would invade all my senses and lull me to sleep. Instead, I toss and turn to no avail. That is, until I hear my door open softly, followed by the telltale sound of Liam’s cane hitting the floor with every step.
He doesn’t say a word, simply makes his way to bed and pulls down the blanket. He doesn’t get in right away, though. I feel the bed dip as he sits on the edge, taking deep, audible breaths as he mumbles something I can’t make out.What is he doing? I stay as unmoving and natural as possible. I want to know what he’s up to, and he seems to think I’m sleeping.
Suddenly, the bed shifts and he gets in behind me, humming peacefully as he settles in. At first, he doesn’t touch me, or move, really. I can barely hear him breathing; it’s like he’s trying to be as light as can be. The thought of him struggling not to wake me up almost has me giggling. Finally, he shifts, startling me a little. He moves to lie right behind me as one of his hands trails down my arm before settling on my hip. Then, he does something Iwasn’t expecting, something that has tears springing to my eyes. He leans down, kisses the top of my head, then pauses to take a deep breath. Just as his smell settles me, it seems mine does the same for him. He settles deeper in the blankets—deeper into me. At the same time, I feel my body relax and sleep start to take over.
But sleep doesn’t come yet, because Liam interrupts me in a soft, barely noticeable voice. “I know you’re sleeping, and that you’d probably kill me if you knew I was sneaking into your bed at night, but I missed you. I know you were barely gone for forty-eight hours, but I can’t not be around you. Not again,” he says, tightening his hold on me as if he’s afraid I’m going to disappear into thin air if he doesn’t anchor me to him. “Plus, I could hear you tossing and turning. It seems I’m not the only one who has a hard time sleeping alone anymore.”
After a breath, he continues, even quieter. “I spoke to Summer today. I haven’t spoken to her in a long time—too long. I’ve never realized how non-existent my relationship with her had gotten. I mean, I always kept tabs on her through my mom or one of my brothers, but I never actually call or text her.” He pauses. “To say I was surprised to see her name on my phone would be a huge understatement. Apparently, she needed to talk to someone who wouldn’t care or comment. She really thinks—or thought—that I didn’t care about her.”
I can hear in his voice how much that thought affects him. I knew he wasn’t close to his sister, or at least, I assumed he still had a distant, pretty much non-existent relationship with her, like when I was a kid. If I’m beinghonest, he didn’t really have a relationship with any of his siblings. I mean, there’s a reason why it’s my brother that brought him here, and why he’s living with me and not any of his siblings. He has four; I can’t be the only person able to accommodate him.
“Anyway, she put my face into my pile of shit, in complete Summer fashion.” His sister does have a way with words. “She told me that she was jealous of you when she was a kid. Apparently, you were all I could see and that I would do anything and everything for you, but not her. Once I got off the phone with her, I sat and thought back to those years. She’s right. From the moment I met you, I wanted everything to be perfect for you. I honestly can’t say why. I have four younger siblings—five, with Hannah, yet I never felt the need to protect them, guide them, or simply be around them like I did you. There’s always been some invisible pull toward you.”
My breath hitches, and the tears I was holding back slowly roll down my cheeks. I’ve never heard him be so open and honest. To hear him say that he’s always felt a pull toward me heals some of the hurt he’s caused. I’d come to realize at Jade’s that no matter how hard I try, I’ll never be able to escape the hold Liam Jones has on my entire being. No one compares to him. Every boy that’s ever shown interest, or asked me out on a date, was compared to him—whether I liked it or not.
