But when I close my eyes, all I see is Axel's face, the genuine remorse when he apologized, the intensity when he asked to take me away for a night. The way he looked at me in the storage room, like he was memorizing every detail of my face.
One night where I can drop the armor, let him take control. One night where I can just be wanted, nothing else, no worries, nothing between us except heat and hands and the feeling of finally letting go.
God, I want that. I want it so badly my chest aches with it.
I pick up my phone again, fingers hovering over the screen. Before I can talk myself out of it, I type a message to my sister.
Me: Need to talk tonight. Important.
I hit send, then add:
Me: It's about Axel.
Rowan arrives at my apartment just after eight, carrying a bottle of wine and wearing that concerned-big-sister expression I know too well.
"Poppy's asleep?" she asks, slipping off her shoes by the door.
I nod, checking the baby monitor for the hundredth time. "Finally. The antibiotics make her restless."
"And you? How are you sleeping?" She studies me as she uncorks the wine, pouring two generous glasses.
"I'm fine." The automatic response slips out before I can stop it.
Rowan gives me a look that says she's not buying it. "You texted me about Axel, then avoided the subject all afternoon. That's not 'fine.'"
I sink onto the couch, accepting the glass she offers. "He kissed me at the café today. In front of everyone."
Her eyebrows shoot up. "Bold move."
"It was stupid," I say, taking a larger sip than intended. "Anyone could have seen. Could have reported back to Elliot's lawyers."
"Is that what you're worried about?" She settles beside me. "Or is it something else?"
The wine burns pleasantly down my throat. "What do you mean?"
"I mean," she says carefully, "that you're using Elliot as an excuse to keep Axel at arm's length."
"That's not fair," I snap. "You know what's at stake."
"I do." She tucks her feet under her, turning to face me fully. "But I also know you, Sadie. You're spiraling."
I stare into my wineglass, watching the red liquid catch the light. She's right, of course. I am spiraling, torn between wanting Axel closer and needing to push him away.
"We slept together," I admit quietly. "The night Poppy got sick."
Rowan's eyes widen slightly, but she doesn't look shocked. "I figured something happened. You've been different since that night."
"Different how?"
"More… present. Less robotic." She smiles gently. "But also more scared."
I take another sip of wine, letting the warmth spread through me. "He wants to take me to Denver. For a night away before I fly to Oregon."
"And you want to go."
It's not a question, but I answer anyway. "Yes. God help me, I do."
"So what's stopping you?"
