“Yes, you never would have left me there to bleed all alone. You would have stayed with me all night. No—wait, youdidstay with me all night. I think I still would have been your light afterward. You wouldn’t have left me in silence for so long.”
I want to disappear. The urge to grab him and hold him is so overwhelming—to kiss him and run my hands all over him. To rip his clothes off and fuck so deep into him that Drew can’t even walk within a five-mile radius of him without smelling me, without getting nauseous.
He’s so beautiful looking at me with those big eyes, those parted lips.
“That’s right, Button. I never would have done any of the things he’s done. You’re worth a lot more than what you’re given.” His eyes fill with tears; his hand returning to my waist, squeezing as he nods.
“It doesn’t matter how pretty I am, when people don’t like me after the novelty wears off.”
“No.” My voice is stern as I glare down at him. “We’re putting a stop to that line of thinking right now.” Benjamin clears his throat, seeming to come to his senses, rubbing at his throat as if he’s anxious.
“Sorry, I think I’m pretty drunk. Where is everyone else?” I keep watching him as he looks around the room nervously, trying to catch his breath. Every few seconds his eyes peek at me, then turn away again—as if caught looking at something he shouldn’t be.
“Felix went upstairs on the phone with Kayla; Amber’s asleep.”
Benjamin’s trembling slightly, but he doesn’t move away from me, doesn’t give me space. That’s fine—I don’t want it anyway. If I could, I’d crawl right inside of him. Could I tell him that? Would that be inappropriate? I can’t find our boundaries anymore.
“Oh, right. Is it hot to you?” He stands abruptly. “Swim with me, Aaron.”
I feel a shiver run through my entire body, looking up at Benjamin as he stands over me like a fucking angel descending upon me.
“Okay.” I say, because I would do anything he asked me to.
He leads me outside, not bothering to grab any towels or go upstairs and invite Felix to join us. His face seems oddly serious for a drunk guy about to go swimming. “Hey, what about swim trun—”
He’s pulling his clothes off and laying them on one of the chairs. When he’s just in his briefs he turns most of the way around, looking back at me.
I think my heart has stopped. The only light we have is the light that comes from the pool, so he’s bathed in a beautiful blue that seems to shimmer over him. His body is just as beautiful as I remember it. So toned and smooth, soft in all the right places.
The stray freckles on his shoulders, the scar on his jaw. Those dimples sitting so lowly on his back. I remember just what it feels like to sink my teeth into them, to lick inside of them like they’re mine. With the way he’s turned I can’t see the inside of his thigh, but I wish I could see it—my mark.
He looks at me like he’s full of regret. Like he’s seen a path ahead of himself that he could have taken, and now he can’t stopmulling over the difference between what he has and what he could have had.
“Aaron? Are you going to take your clothes off?” Jesus Christ. That’ll star in all of my wet dreams and jack-off sessions for the foreseeable future. I rip off my shirt, tossing it on top of his clothes on the chair. Benjamin is watching my every movement, his eyes drinking in every inch of skin as I reveal it. As he watches, the light reflects off the studs in his ears.
I stick my thumbs under the waistband of my sweats, pulling them down, watching Benjamin’s face heat up as I go. Once I’m down to just my briefs as well he clears his throat and turns away.
Walking up the pool he heads to the deep end and in one clean, quiet movement, he dives into the water. I watch his body as it glides, rippling in the pool light. He looks like he belongs there in the water, smoothly crossing under the surface.
I sit on the ledge, then slide in, releasing all the air in my lungs on the way to allow myself to sink. I stay there at the bottom for a few seconds, giving myself a moment to collect my thoughts, to think. I have no idea what’s going on anymore. I want to be closer to him; he’s right here, and he’s basically naked. But I won’t sleep with him tonight—not when he’s been drinking, not when he has a boyfriend.
When I come up from the water Benjamin is holding a ledge on the other side of the deep end. I stare at him for a moment, watching him watch me. Those eyes are asking me so many questions that I can’t answer, that I can’t even read. But he’s tempting me. If there’s one look—one expression of Benjamin’s above all others—that I’d be able to read, it’d be this one. The one that says:are you going to come over here and touch me? Take me apart? I know you can.My palms itch: I swim over to him slowly.
The area of the pool he’s in only covers my shoulders, but it still gives Benjamin a bit of trouble, so he holds onto the wall to keep from wasting energy. He’s moving his hand in the water in front of us, watching the water gently glide over his fingers. And I’mwatching him watch. I really can’t focus on anything other than him.
“You look different now.” He says casually, not looking up from his water tricks.
“Do I?” I muse. I don’t think I do—not really.
“Your hair is longer, and you’re buffer now. You also act a little differently. More confident, I guess.” He doesn’t necessarily sound thrilled about these observations, as if he’s intentionally keeping his voice neutral.
“Oh.” Is all I say. Finally, he turns to look up at me. I can see the beads of water on his lashes; he’s run a hand through his wet hair to push it out of his eyes. There’s a collection of water puddled across his collarbones.
“You look nice.” Benjamin doesn’t smile—in fact he once again looks regretful, disappointed. “Handsome.” He mutters.
“Why are you looking at me like that?” I ask, wiping a stray trail of chlorine water off his cheek.
“I don’t really know.” I think he’s being honest—just as confused as I am by this whole thing. “It feels like you went away and came back cooler, and I stayed here and things just got… Well, I don’t know.” He can’t bring himself to say he’s unhappy. He won’t admit it.
