“I’m not. It’s more of asee you later.” Benjamin smiles, running his thumb over one eyelid to wipe the tears off my lashes.
Then, he moves around me to grab my cap. Handing it to me, he takes a few steps toward the auditorium.
“Don’t be sad,” Benjamin says, smiling at me over his shoulder. “The world is going to love you, Little Blue Bird.”
???
The graduation party is in full swing. Mom and Dad gave us the house for the night, probably because Amber is staying over. They have way too much trust in that little siren. Most of the graduating class is here—booze everywhere, lights flashing. I don’t even know how strobe lights got in here, to be honest. Some classmates are jumping into the pool; some are stargazing on the lawn. Other than how packed it is, I’m pretty happy with it.
Amber and I are sitting in the living room on the couch, keeping an eye on the stairs so no one uninvited messes with my shit. The tape isn’t going to stop a drunk soccer player.
“Oh, I was talking with Kayla earlier,” Amber says, fiddling with the cord still around her neck. “She said Angel is still butt hurt that Bear got her number and never called. He dismissed hertwice.” I laugh, shaking my head. Benjamin, breaking hearts left and right.
“He was just trying to piss me off with that bet, I think.”
“Probably.” I take another large gulp of my drink. The buzz is delightful.
“So, what did you decide on, UA attendee?” I ask and she giggles.
“Fashion Design. What about you, guy who loves me so much he’s following me to college?” I smack her thigh.
“Oh, you know I wanted to go first. And I’m going to start as an English Literature major. I want to teach or publish. I don’t know yet.” Amber raises a brow.
“Really? You?”
“Yes, me. I’m literally in the English Lit club, you ass. And I enjoy the thought of it.” I lay my head on her shoulder. “I think this summerandcollege will be amazing and we’ll rule the world, my little siren. Because if not, I’ll freak the hell out.” She cackles.
“I agree, A, I agree. We should go to parties and wingman each other, since ya know, unless we’re desperate enough we seem to be best as besties.” I grin up at her.
“I thought I had amazing fingers and a great mouth? And something about my dic—”
“Alright! I didn’t say you’re bad in bed—it’s more of a personality thing.”
“Ouch, you can be so evil.” Amber looks to the left, diagonally from the couch, and her smile drops. She grabs my hand.
“Aaron.”
I raise my head and look in that direction. Walking up the stairs is Benjamin, in his low-waisted dark blue jeans and no shirt or shoes, clearly having been in the pool though his hair isn’t wet. Leading him is Drew—their hands interlocked. Drew's smiling like a guy about to get laid. Well, there’s nootherreason you sneak off to a bedroom during a party and Felix is staying with Kayla tonight acting as her designated driver. So, I guess he must be. Benjamin laughs at something Drew says, then looks out across the crowd.
Déjà vu hits me hard. Back in January I was in this same situation. I watched Angel drag Benjamin upstairs and he had paused to give me his little come and get me grin. Then I went up there, ruined his fun and had my way with him. Now as he looks out and his eyes find mine, he does not pause, and I wonder whathe sees. A pained expression takes over his features, one he tries to cover with a smile, but instead it just makes him look a little scared. Benjamin gives me a small wave. His face sayssorry you have to see this Aaron; sorry you know what he’s about to do to me.They disappear around the corner.
“Aaron?” Amber calls softly.
I have nothing left. I’ve cried enough—I’ve had my fair share of freak outs and break downs. Now, I just want to be let go.
I turn and look at her, at her sad eyes searching my face.
“Amber, let's get out of here.”
“What? Really? You wanna ditch your own party?”
“Yep.” She grins.
“Fuck it. Let's kick it. Are you okay to go out though? We can walk, but like, emotionally are you good to leave?” She peers at me as she stands up from the couch.
I stare at her blankly for a long moment, then decide against answering. I will not be responsible, responsive Aaron for the next few months. I did what I was asked to do, and now I’m done. The only way I can get through the next two and a half months is through dissociation.
It’s time for me to disappear.
