“Aaron, I was waiting to have this conversation until after today. I didn’t want to ruin it.” I can feel my face fall. I can see it in his eyes. My own destruction. I look away, look at the grass and the football posts past the bleachers.
“What is it?” I turn back to him, looking down at his big hazel eyes and his baby blue shorts.
“Well,” he swallows thickly. “I had to tell him. To make sure he didn’t think anything was still… happening.” My jaw clenches. I feel every cell in my body freeze over, crack and shatter. I feel my veins burst and joints crumble. I’m being tortured.
“Why does it matter to him if I’m fucking you or not?” There’s a hostility in my voice—I can hear it. He sighs, rubbing his forehead for a moment. Then he looks up at me, once again stern and determined. The face of deciding that he will see this through, no matter what.
“Because… because we’ve started dating.” There it is. I knew that was the case—I did. I just needed him to say it, to crush that part of me that still believed he’d never lie to me. “Are you mad?” He asks, rubbing his wrist.
“Mad?” I laugh, tossing my cap onto the bench next to us. “Yeah, Benjamin I’mmad.” He looks so devastated. Like he genuinely thought I’d wish him well. “What? Did you think I would congratulate you and your little boyfriend? After youlied to me?” Benjamin's brow furrows, his mouth opening to speak, but I don’t let him. “You know what, Button? I’ve respected your wishes and kept my hands to myself. I’ve steered clear of you because you seem to hate me, even though it kills me. And yeah, it may make me want to punch things when I see that guy's ugly face, but I wasn’t going to fuck it up for you. Wasn’t going to interfere. Not with your happiness. I would never take anything from you—not when your happiness is far more important than mine.”
He’s crying now, tears falling, soft sniffles. I want to stop, to comfort him and apologize for being mad, for doing this to him, but I can’t. I have to say it all before I go.
“But really? Not once have I lied to you.” I move to lean down in front of him, eye level. “I got on mykneesto give the truth to you, Benjamin.” I stand back up and take a step back. “I made myself so weak, so pathetic in front of you because you wanted the truth. And you just lie to me like it’s nothing, like Imeannothing. Ihope this guy you’ve been friends with for a couple of months is just that amazing, Benjamin, because you’re lying to the people who care about you to be—”
“Aaron.” Benjamin is trying not to sob, all clenched fists and angry eyes. “Tell me, what did I lie about?” I square my shoulders and meet his gaze.
“I asked you at Fe’s first track event if you were dating. And then two days later, even though you saidno, I couldn’t walk all the way to the track to pick up Felix because some guys were about to fuck against the swimming annex right out in the open.” Benjamin's face flushes a deep shade of red. “I didn’t want to interrupt so I turned around, went back to my truck, and waited there. Then I sat for a long time, trying to figure out what I did for you to lie to me.”
Benjamin takes a large, shaky breath, and then walks until he’s right in front of me.
“Aaron, please listen to me.” I stare down at him, torn up and quiet. “I know it looks a certain way, and I completely understand why that would upset you. But I did not lie.”
“You—”
“Please listen.” He puts his palm to my cheek, and I swear my breath stutters. “I told him about everything the night of the track meet because he asked. He could sense something was weird. But yes, he did ask mostly because he was interested in me. And after he told me that, I spent the night thinking about it.”
“And what did you think?” I can hear the sorrow in my voice—I know he can hear it too.
“That he’s handsome and very nice to me. I don’t have to wonder if he wants me around—he makes sure to tell me constantly that his life is better with me in it. I’ve spent my entire life not being worthy, not being good enough. I’m used to people,” He swallows the lump in his throat, eyes watery as his thumb wipes one of my own fallen tears. “I’m used to people not wanting me. The most important ones, too. So, when he asked me out, I said yes.” I turn away from him, taking a few steps toward the field.
I can’t look at him. I can’t see those pleading eyes, can’t watch them beg me to be okay with this. To smile and nod to his perfect relationship with perfect Drew.
“Aaron,” he’s choked up. “Do you understand?” I turn back around to face him. He looks like he’s begging me, desperate. But I’m not sure what he wants anymore.
Very softly, shaking my head with a sad smile, I say, “No, Button, I don’t.”
“I told you we weren't dating at the initial track meet. Drew asked me about us that night.Afterwe had talked. I said yes to him a day or two later—probably right around when you saw us.” It makes sense. The timing. I feel like I want to throw up.
“Okay.” That is all I can manage. I look down at the ground, his hand returning to its home on my cheek. I feel so cold, so removed that I can’t feel the warmth.
“Aaron, please. Please talk to me.” He brushes the hair off of my forehead with his other hand, soothing me.
“Benjamin, I’m sorry for assuming you lied. I honestly thought I misread something somewhere until you just confirmed you were together. I never truly thought you would lie to me.”
“I wouldn’t.” He says firmly.
“Does he know about your dad?” He shakes his head but offers no explanation. “Does he know about my graduation letter?” I’m referring to Benjamin showing me the scars I bit into his skin, him saying he didn’t mind them. He doesn’t look away from me—he knows what I mean.
“No.”
“He hasn’t asked about them?”
“Oh, we haven’t uh, gotten that far.” He flushes again. “I suppose I’ll have to tell him then.” There’s a long moment where we stare at each other, taking in everything that's transpired in the past few minutes. “I don’t know why you think you’re some kind of monster, Aaron. You didn’t send me to my dad’s house that morning. I went on my own two feet. I never once blamed you. Sure, you did some asshole shit, but you’re an eighteen-year-oldboy. I heard they do that.” He gives me a grin, wiping more of my falling tears as I gaze at him, considering the chance that I’m dreaming.
“I will miss you, Aaron,” He continues. “You’ve been with me for so long. And now more than ever, I want you around.” A sob leaves my throat and I close my eyes. It feels like he’s tearing out my heart and stomping on it, then picking it back up and giving it a little kiss. “But you’ll do great things and find your own happiness.” He’s saying goodbye. Why is he saying goodbye?
“Why does it feel like you’re saying goodbye?” I ask.
