Benjamin’s lips are red and puffy, his face flushed. I can’t see his eyes clearly from here, but I know they're wide and watering. They always do that. His body jolts randomly, a soft groan leaving him when he does, most likely from whatever Drew is doing under his shirt. Benjamin stares up at the sky, head still tilted back. He breathes heavily, body and voice still reacting to Drew’s every move. But he looks…. thoughtful. Like he’s taking in the sky and considering it.
Drew pulls his head out from Benjamin's shirt, hair skewed and lips red. He grabs Benjamin's face and stares down at him. This time when he speaks, I can hear him.
“Rav, every inch of you burns me up. My life has never been so bright since you’ve come into it.” I can’t make out what Benjamin's eyes are saying—he’s too far. But I think they widen and there's a moment where they stare at each other, panting. Drew runs his fingertips along Benjamin's collarbone, then his lips. “I’m burning up so badly I could just die.”
Benjamin whines softly, pushing his hips into Drew’s and my body finally lets me move. I spin around and run. As fast as I can, I run to my truck. What the fuck.What the fuck. With all of this pain and confusion there is one thing that I know for sure: Benjamin lied to me.
I get into the front seat of my truck, and I cry.
???
May is notoriously busy. Graduation month and all. But experiencing it firsthand fucking sucks. In between school events, photo shoots my mom insists on, finals, and trying to soak in the last of my time in Lancaster, I can’t even breathe.
I’ve spent the past two months spread too thin, and trying to balance spending as much time as I can with Felix without having to watch Drew and Benjamin make sex eyes at each other.
It’s mostly working. I haven’t seen much of Benjamin lately, which is extremely sad and so relieving. I went bowling with Felix yesterday after class since Benjamin was out, and it was really nice to get him alone for a bit.
Now it’s back to slaving away. Sitting on my bed surrounded by calculus notes as if I didn’t just spend all fucking day in boring lectures. Graduation genuinely cannot get here quick enough.
There’s some commotion downstairs, but I don’t pay it any mind. Felix is out with Kayla and I’m assuming Benjamin is out with Drew. It must be my mom in the kitchen—there’s a knock at my bedroom door. Ah, she’s come upstairs. It must have been an important commotion.
Still staring at the notes I’m writing, I yell, “Come in.” The door opens and she shuffles in, stopping a few feet away from my bed. “I’m just doing some homework. I don’t know where the boys are. If you want I can—” My voice slowly fades out as I stare up at Benjamin. He’s flushed red as if he ran here, which would explain the noise. He’s wearing a shirt that is about three sizes too big and falls all the way to his upper thighs. I can just barely make out the seam of a pair of soft lounge shorts. Like he just woke up from a nap.
He’s fidgeting, nervously looking around the room and biting his lower lip. I notice how he’s kept the door wide open. I think of the annex, of Drew's head in his shirt, of the sounds of his whines.
“Did you need something?” I ask. My voice is neutral, as if it doesn’t matter to me either way if he’s standing in front of me ornot. Then, as if he was holding it in this whole time, one of those breathtaking sun smiles slowly breaks out across his face.
God, he’s so beautiful, so radiant that I can’t even stay mad. I can’t hate him, even if he lied. Even if he ignores me. Even if Drew touches him. I can't help but start to smile back.
“What is it?” I prompt him again and he slowly brings out a letter he’d been holding behind his back. It’s shaking in his hands as he trembles. My mouth feels so dry. “What is that?”
“I bumped into Amber when I was out. She had gotten hers. So, I came home and yours was in the mailbox.” He blushes, looking down at the envelope. “Sorry for going through the mail. I just know your parents are out right now because their cars are gone and Feli—”
“It’s fine.” I rush, staring at him like he’s not real. Like he came in on a unicorn and told me we were flying to the city in the sky.
“I know you’ve been waiting, so…”
“So, you dropped what you were doing and ran straight here?” He nods. What I really want to ask is if he was with Drew, but I don’t. I know he was.
“An envelope isn’t always a no.” He says sternly, looking me in the eyes with something other than hatred or sorrow for the first time in a long time. Support. Determination.
“Okay.” I jump up quickly. “Okay.” Putting my hands on my hips I pace the length of the room. We graduate in a week. Amber and I had honestly given up hope on our top choice. We’d heard nothing from the University of Arizona since the day we applied. But I want it—I want to go so fucking bad.
“Aaron?”
“Sorry, Button. I don’t think I can open that.” His eyes follow me as I pace. “I think I’ll pass out. Maybe I can open it tomorrow. Or maybe we can wait until gradu—”
“Aaron.” Benjamin's voice is stern once again, his eyes so clear and gentle when I stop pacing to look at him. “Do you want me toopen it?”
I stare at him, debating. Do I? It would be easier, wouldn’t it? There’s no way I’m going to, at least not today. I can’t even take it from his hand let alone rip it open. But I need to know. I need to accept somewhere else if UA rejects me.
“Okay.” My voice is small as he slowly and carefully opens the seal on the envelope, hands shaking. He pulls out a single paper—not good—and reads a few lines before closing his eyes and drawing in a huge breath. Then, he opens them, looking straight into my eyes as he blows it out. I can’t read him. He’s expressionless.
“Well,” he says, folding the letter and putting it back into the envelope. “Felix is going to be so upset.” My brow furrows. Felix? What?
“Huh?” Another one of those sun smiles—two in one day—breaks out across his face as he looks at me, envelope at his side.
“Three hours is a long drive for us to make every weekend. He’s going to ask for gas money; I just know it.”
