“Oh, there’s Bear. Bear!” I turn my head and sure enough, Benjamin is there. He’s wearing a flowy, white, short sleeve button up tucked into a pair of black, high-waisted, wide legged slacks. A gold buckled belt with black leather is wrapped around his waist, holding the shirt snugly inside. He looks like a prince. Unearthly. His hair is wild and messy, like someone's been running their hands through it all day. His black loafers shine against the glare of the sun as he stands on his tippy toes to wave at Felix.
“What’s he so dressed up for?” I ask Felix, not looking away from where Benjamin stands.
“Nothing, I don’t think. Now that swim seasons over he’s been branching out again with his clothes.”
A hand sneaks around Benjamin's hips, palm grazing over him only to slide up his narrow waist and rest there. Like it's familiar, like it’s normal. Benjamin looks over his shoulder and I finally notice Drew. He looks up at him, and Drew says something that makes him laugh. All the while his hand stays.
Drew doesn’t look nearly as good as Benjamin does. He’s wearing a pair of blue jeans with a crochet, sleeveless sweater vest. The front of the sweater is tucked into his jeans, making the rest hang around his hips. Why did he dress like that for a track meet? Stupid. It makes sense for Benjamin. When you look the way he does, when you’re that sweet and bright, there’s never a wrong time to look runway ready. But the rest of us? Please.
Benjamin says something to Drew who smiles slyly and nods, tugging twice on his buckle and walking away. Benjamin turns back to us and starts to walk our way.
“Nervous?” He asks when he approaches, grinning atFelix. He looks so radiant.
“Ha, as if. But I do have to run. Enjoy the show, boys.” He winks and runs off, leaving me in the most awkward silence I’ve ever sat in.
Benjamin clears his throat and hesitantly takes a seat a foot or two away from me. I want to talk to him, for him to acknowledge me. I want to know if he’s happy, if he’s been home, if he hates me. I’d settle for one smile in my direction. But because I’m a piece of shit, a selfish asshole who masquerades as a nice guy, I question him instead.
“So, you’re dating him now?” Benjamin doesn’t bother to look in my direction when he hears my voice, just stares at Felix as he stretches.
“No.” Is all he says. I watch his profile. All of that radiance is gone—there’s a slight twitch in his lips as they turn down.
I shouldn’t be so happy, but I am. Benjamin wouldn’t lie to me—he never has. Drew has not taken him, has not won. Which means that maybe,just maybehe listened to what I said in the pool house in January. My helmet rests in my lap, the weight of it reminding me of the blue bird as I take in his—wait.
“Did you… did you get your ears pierced?” Benjamin finally turns to look at me. I expect to see the same empty, blank expression he’s given me since that fateful night in my bedroom, but instead, his eyes are pleading. His lips tremble softly. He looks at me with such clear sorrow. Like I’m torturing him.
“Yes.” He whispers. The diamond studs sparkle in the sun, but I can't look away from his pained eyes.
“Button—”
“Ravi.” Benjamin closes his eyes and takes a deep breath, turning and looking up at Drew who’s giving me the look ofhaven't you done enough? Benjamin raises his hand to take the can of soda Drew had apparently gone to get.
“Thanks. Here, sit. Felix just said he’s starting.” He pats the space right on the other side of him. Drew stares at me for a beat or two longer, then plops down.
“They didn’t have Sprite, so I just got you my favorite since you drink it a lot anyway.” Benjamin nods, cracking the can open.
“Coke is fine, thanks, Soma.”Soma? What the fuck does that mean?
What did he say Ravi was from again? Sans? I didn’t know Benjamin had given him a name as well. Felix only gets a shortened version of his name and he’s the childhood best friend for Godsake. And I’ve only ever been… Well, I’ve only ever been Aaron.
Drew takes his left shoe and, careful not to dirty his nice
pants, wraps his ankle around Benjamin's, linking them together. Benjamin doesn’t even blink. He sips his soda, turning to tell Drew something about class, laughing and smiling like I’m not even here.
I turn my attention to my baby brother, focusing only on him.
???
“Amber, I’m going crazy.” I’m laying on her lap, looking up at her as she sits against her headboard. We needed a Benjamin free zone to talk.
“Well, you are constantly exposed to the enemy. I would be upset too.” She says, shrugging her shoulders as she eats a bag of chips.
“He won’t even have a normal conversation with me. He said we could go back to how things were, but clearly, we didn’t. I just…Yeah, maybe I’m possessive. But the blue bird tells me he likes that.” I steal a chip from the bag, chewing it angrily. “And the names? Like what the fuck does Soma even mean?” Amber grabs her phone from the bed beside her.
“What did he say Ravi came from?” She asks.
“Ugh, I don’t know. Sans or something.” She's quiet for a moment.
“Sanskrit?” I sit up.
