For the first time in a while, I will time to speed up. To throw me forward, all the way to August when I can get out of here. When I can run—run away from all of this like a fucking coward. I should never have touched him. I didn’t know that I was branding him into my skin. I didn’t know that getting close to him meant being miserable for the rest of my life.
As soon as the credits start, I’m out of my seat. “Well, that was nice. Enjoy your dinner.” Spinning on my heel, I leave the den.
Hearing my mother’s humming drift from her bedroom, I follow the sound. The comfort—hypnotized, pulled toward her. I need something, anything, to stop this ache. I don’t know what’s happening to me anymore. I don’t know why I’m so torn up. It was only hooking up. That’s all it ever was.
Mom’s sitting on her bed, legs crossed, a needle and yarn in hand as she works on her latest project. She looks up when I walk in, her smile disappearing when I stop at the threshold.
“Little Bird… you’re carrying too much. You’re hurting. What’s happened to you?” Her eyes well up with tears, her arms reaching for me after she set her yarn and needle aside.
She’s right. I’m hurting. I’m carrying it all. But what is it? What am I carrying? Disappointment? Insecurity? Jealousy? None of itseems to cover the searing pain in my chest. The feeling of losing a vital piece of myself.
I sit in front of her, putting my face in the crook of her neck. And then, because she’s my mom and I’m the same boy I’ve always been, I cry. She holds me as I shudder and sniffle against her neck, rubbing my back and making soothing sounds. Her hand runs over my hair, over and over.
“What…what am I supposed to do… when I don’t have you next to me anymore?” I push out through choked cries.
“Oh, Aaron. My baby. You always depended on me the most. You know that?” I nod against her. “It’s really hard to be alone. Even with your friends nearby, being away from your family for the first time isreallyhard. But you—you are so strong.” I cry a bit harder, not ready to acknowledge what she’s telling me, to accept it.
She seems to be holding it together well, although I feel her tears as they roll down her chin and neck, melting into my hairline. She continues.
“And for you… Well for you, right now is a bit harder. I’m not sure what is tearing you up, what is happening with you and Bear. But I can tell you, when you walk out of a room, his eyes follow you. And when you’re not around he’ll ask about you. If you’ve been accepted into UA yet, or how you’re doing with the move. He may want you to think he hates you, Little Bird, but even after whatever happened between the two of you, he still cares for you.”
I sit up, looking into her open, knowing green eyes and through choked cries, as she holds my face I say,
“Mom, I don't know what's happening. I… I don’t know what this pain is. But I can’t even breathe anymore and I just—I just feel like I’m so close to falling apart. And it’smyfault. I did this. And I just… I miss him so much, Momma.” She rests her forehead on mine, not concerned with the tears or snot that could be rubbing onto her face, letting her own tears fall freely.
“I know, baby. I know. Sometimes when you’re this young, you don’t get to understand. Give it time. And if it’s supposed to makesense, one day it will. I promise. Aaron,” she tilts my head to look me in the eyes. “You’re not the monster you think you are.” I lay on her lap and cry.
???
It’s later that night when Felix walks into my room. He enters through my bedroom door, coming to lay next to where I sit on my bed.
“Hey, Bub.” I set my notebook aside.
“Hey, where did you just come from?”
“Dinner. Bear and Drew are downstairs.” My chest tightens again. I can’t wait until I no longer have to hear a play by play of what Benjamin and Drew are doing every day. I nod.
“Okay.”
“Listen Aaron,” Fe says, grabbing my full attention with his serious tone. “I would like to ask you if you would come to my meets? I know they aren’t the most exciting, but next year you won’t be able to, and in between practice and Kayla I won’t be able to see you much going forward. So…”
My heart fucking aches. “Of course, Fe. I’ll be at every one. Give me the dates.”
“Really? Every one?” He looks so hopeful, his green eyes wide and pure. He looks so similar to me, so comforting to look at. I’m going to miss him so much.
“I’m really going to miss you, Felix. I’ll come back and visit, I promise.” I tell him and he looks away from me for a moment, eyes downcast, chewing his lip. “Fe?”
“I just… You’ve been avoiding hanging out with me for a few weeks now. I figured you just had graduation stuff to focus on and didn’t really care about leaving me behind.” He sounds so hurt, so lonely. I reach out to him, grabbing his hand.
“What? No way. I really do care. I just… there’s been some stuff on my mind.” Felix stares at me, waiting. As if he’s expecting me to elaborate. When I just stare back, he searches my face for a moment longer, then he sighs.
“Aaron, please don’t lie to me. Is there something happening with Bear?” I nearly jump out of my skin, eyes widening. “So, yes.” He deadpans.
“How... how did you...” I have no fucking idea how he came to that conclusion from this conversation. Or at all. I never would have expected that to come out of his mouth.
“Bub, I live here too. I'm not stupid. One moment you guys are friends and the next you hate each other. You can’t stand Drew for some reason, always asking me questions about him and Bear when they aren’t around. You freak out when something happens to him, which wouldn’t be abnormal if it wasn’t a significant increase from how you were before. I just, I don’t know. And you know Bear—if he doesn’t have to share, he won’t. And now, you’re avoiding us anytime Drew’s around. Earlier you looked like you would rather die than keep watching that movie with us and just mentioning the name Drew makes you glare—dude, you’re literally doing it right now.”
“I just don’t like him, that’s all.” Okay, so maybe I haven't been very subtle. I just didn’t think Felix was so observant.
