“What the fuck kind of movies are you watching?” Benjamin asks. “Maybe you should run them by the group chat first from now on.” Drew shrugs.
“Fair enough.”
“Pick! Movie!” Felix demands, growing ever so impatient. Felix is the same no matter who he’s around. He leans over Benjamin and starts feeling around Drew's pants.
“Uh, whatcha doin?” Drew asks, arms lifted to allow Felix’s roaming.
“Where’s your gum, Drewy?” He whines.
“Ah, let me grab it.” Benjamin retracts his hand from his hair as Felix pulls away from him, allowing him to walk out of the den.What’s so fucking great about a decent looking swimmer who watches indie movies?
Benjamin is still scrolling for a movie.
“Ravi, come here.” Drew calls from the other room.
“Who the fuck is Ravi?” I ask with maybe a bit more disgust than I intend. What? He sucks.
Benjamin stands, shooting me a chilling glare and walking out of the den. I look at Felix. “Who is Ravi?” Felix shakes his head like I’m an idiot.
“Obviously Bear is Ravi.”
“What? Does he not know Benjamin's name?” I’m bewildered, genuinely dumbstruck. Felix laughs.
“He didn’t want to use Bear like everyone else, and everyone at school calls him Benjamin.” Felix shrugs. “Drew wanted to make his own name for him.”
“And what the hell does Ravi mean?”
“It’s a reference to the sun.” Drew says, walking back into the room, handing Felix some gum. “It represents someone with a powerful aura. Sanskrit.” He doesn’t even bother to look at me while he talks, just stares down at Benjamin as he shoves Felix around until they’re comfortable again.
I watch him have no idea that Drew is staring at him like they’re getting engaged tomorrow.
“It’s cute.” Felix says, turning his attention back to me. “Get it? Because Bear’s all warm when you touch him.” As if to prove his point, he moves his hands all over Benjamin, making him squirm. Drew sits back in his spot and chuckles. He rests his head back on the recliner and looks up at the ceiling.
“Sure, that. But really, I picked it because the first time we hung out, he gave me this smile that was like, the brightest smile I’ve ever seen. It was like looking at the sun—it made me warm. You don’t do it super often, Ravi.” He turns his head to look at Benjamin.Sun smile.
“Nope. It’s not an intentional choice. It’s like when you accidentally laugh with your loud, ugly laugh because something was justthatfunny.” He shrugs, eating half of one of the gummy worms he brought back with him and feeding the other half into Drew’s open mouth. Drew smiles like someone just gave him a winning lottery ticket.
“Is that right?” Drew questions, and Benjamin nods. “So, you’re telling me you just couldn’t help your overwhelming happiness thattime that I let you take the last churro from that food truck?” Felix busts up laughing and Benjamin blushes.
“Jesus. I mean, we’d been searching all day for a churro. It was a very nice thing to do.” Drew squeezes Benjamin's thigh and goes back to watching him flip through movies.
There's a space in my chest that had previously been full. Not warm and fuzzy or anything poetic like that, but full nonetheless. And now, as if I am not even worth the pity, someone has shoved their hand inside and ripped whatever was there clean out. There's a hot, suffocating pain in its place, one that reminds me of every bad thing I’ve ever done. Of every mistake I’ve ever made.
I see every time Benjamin's cried—I see the pain my hands have caused. I see him lying on my bed, so soft and somine. And this unbearable fucking burn is making sure I know with every fiber of being that this—this new safety and comfort he’s found in Drew—is all my fault.
Drew, who touches him constantly like his skin is the air he needs. Who took the name Benjamin's miserable parents gave him and replaced it with the sun. Drew, who makes sure to let Benjamin know just how much he’s wanted. How worthy he is. And I drove him into those arms.
He would have been in mine. I would have been all of that for him—I really would have. I’d tell him how beautiful he is, how important just the thought of his heart being happy is to me. I’d hold him until he believed me. Button—he’d know that I don’t just want to possess him. I want to love him, too.
I would do all of this. If I could. What sick fucking God is putting Benjamin in my path, in my home, and showing me exactly what kind of life I want, that I need? All the while reminding me that I can never have it?
ButDrewcan. He gets to have all the best and worst parts of Benjamin. Gets to have my sun smiles, the ones I’ve never seen him give anyone else. And I won’t interfere—not when he’s so happy. Not when he laughs so much now. But I canhate Drew, and I do.
I want to die. I’m a fool.
The movie has started—it’s been playing for a while now. Drew has angled his body to lay his head in Benjamin's lap. Benjamin is so beautiful. His soft hazel eyes, golden hair, his full lips settled into a content smile. His freckles aren't out this time of year, but I know they’re there. Just like they were last summer when I had his face in my hands, staring down at him as he peered back at me in awe.
Is he doing that with Drew? Have they kissed, fallen into a heated moment together and realized there's no going back to how things were? Have they…. Has Drew taken his first time? Oh God. I feel like vomiting. I see Drew touching him in my mind, laying his dirty fingers on Benjamin's soft skin. Touching his hips and digging his teeth into his throat.
