March 2018
Aaron
I’ve been accepted into a handful of colleges local to Lancaster, alongside Amber. We only applied to the same ones. It’s exciting to get them in the mail, to read that bigCONGRATULATIONSthey have printed inside. But I’m getting nervous. We graduate in two months and haven’t heard from The University of Arizona, our top choice. It’s three hours away, has amazing programs, a beautiful campus, and is known for its student life. So basically, it’s our dream school. Amber is staying positive, as she does.
I’m also anxious about leaving my family behind. I’ll leave in August no matter where I go, so I only have five months left to be home. To be seconds away from Felix. To have my mother’s cooking and Dad’s horrendous movie picks. And Benjamin. I only have five more months of watching him live his daily life, of being in arm’s reach if he changes his mind. Asks me to touch him again. I know it’s fucked up—I’m the one who ended it. But God, do I miss him. I do; I miss him so much. I miss him smiling at me or having a genuine conversation with me. I miss being in the backseat of Dad’s car, feeling his warm breath on my shoulder after he’s fallen asleep on a road trip.
But now not only am I forbidden from touching him, but he barely speaks to me. He spends all of his time with Felix andDrew. That guy’s in my house so many times a week that I’m surprised when he’snotthere. And Felix really likes him, so I can’t exactly ban him. Benjamin and Drew have gotten to be very good friends from what I can tell.
They laugh at things I don’t understand, their own little inside jokes. They share snow cones and sometimes when Benjamin gets tired and we’re by the pool, he’ll just lay out right on top of Drew,chest to chest. And no one bats a fucking eye. No one questions it. Drew just drags his fingers over Benjamin's back and more often than not, they’ll both fall asleep under the hot sun.
Felix thinks Drew is a great influence on Benjamin. And he’s touchy witheveryone, apparently. Right, I’m sure. I’m sure he’s casually holding all his homeboys’ hands or running his hands through their hair. Felix is too pure for his own good. Drew wants him. I know it. But Benjamin didn’t listen when I tried to warn him—no, he did the opposite of what I told him to do. That little brat.
So yeah, I’ll miss it all. Even the pining, the plotting. I’m leaving behind an entire version of myself. An entire life. And it fucking sucks.
“Little Bird?” Mom knocks on my door. I stop staring at my ceiling and call for her to come in. “You have everything turned in for graduation? It takes a few weeks to process, you know.” She sits on my bed, rubbing my shin when she plops down next to it.
“Yeah, I got it all done.”
“Good, good.” I can tell she wants to ask, to prod. She never got definite answers out of me when it came to Benjamin, and it’s clear to everyone at this point that he avoids me like the plague. “I’m going to miss you.” She says instead.
“I’m going to miss you too, Momma. We still have five months. Let's wait to cry until then.” Mom giggles and rubs my cheek.
“My sensitive boy. Won’t you come downstairs? Felix, Bear, and their new friend Drew are all watching a movie. Go join them.” I shake my head, looking away from her prying eyes and staring at my hands instead.
“No, I think I’ll just stay here. I should think about what I’m taking to the dorms.” It’s silent for a moment before she clears her throat.
“Aaron James Archer, you go downstairs and hang out with your baby brother right now.” My head whips towards her. I can’t remember the last time my mother used her mom voice on me. “He’s very sad about you leaving soon, and you’re letting whateverthingis happening between you and Bear affect the last bit of time you have left together in this house.”
My eyes start to water as I look away from her again. She’s right. She always is. I’ve been so caught up in my own problems I haven’t even thought about how Felix is feeling about me moving out. My chest clenches.
“You’re right. I’m sorry—I don’t want him to be sad.” Mom reaches over and wipes some of my tears away.
“You’re a good man, Little Bird. Stop putting so much pressure on yourself. Relax a little. Not every bad thing that’s happened to or around you is your fault.” Staring at her, I thank my lucky stars I was born with a mother like her. I think of Benjamin and how alone he must feel in that regard. I hope he feels loved by my mom.
I rest my head on her shoulder and sniffle for a bit longer.
Thirty minutes later I walk into the den in my sweatpants and a T-shirt. Like always, Felix and Benjamin are smooshed into the recliner, legs dangling over the armrest. But now, resting in front of it is Drew. His back leans against the piece that comes out for your feet, and Benjamin has his hand dug into Drew’s brown hair. Felix is playing with Benjamin's beaded bracelet on his other hand, and the unwanted newcomer has a dirty hand reaching back and tucked around Benjamin's thigh. It’s like they have toalwaysbe touching each other. It makes me sick looking at it.
Drew is annoyingly handsome which makes matters worse. He’s got these big blue eyes, and brown hair that's cut just short enough to never get in the way, but still be long enough to put your hands in. He’s a bit taller than Benjamin, but not as tall as me. He has a swimmer's body. Ugh. Motherfucker.
Felix notices me when I walk in.
“Bub!” His green eyes brighten so much that my guilt ignites anew. “Are you going to watch a movie with us?” I smile at him.
“Do you want me to?” He rolls his eyes.
“Duh. Kayla will be here in a few hours so we’re killing time before we go to dinner.” Uh, dinner? With Felix, his girlfriend, Drew, and Benjamin? That sounds a lot like a double date to me.
I look at Benjamin who is expertly ignoring me, then to Drew who is staring at me blankly.Motherfucker.
“Sounds fun. Yeah, I’ll watch your movie with you. What are we watching?” I sit down on the center of the couch, trying my best to only look at the TV and Felix.
“Yay! And I’m not sure yet. Bear’s taking ten fucking years to pick.” Drew laughs when Benjamin yanks Felix’s hair.
“Youdon’t want an action movie, and Drew banned horror after I made him cover my eyes for most ofThe Nun.”
“Well, that leaves romance, romcoms, indie films—oh, and those super sad movies that don’t have much of a plot, they’re literally made just to make you question being alive and shit.” Drew says, leaning his head back on the recliner seat to look up at Benjamin.
