“Well, for one Felix could hate me or him for it. Then there's the age gap—I’m eighteen now. And even if a year and a half is nothing later down the line, it’s frowned upon at this age. He’s still sixteen until July. Plus, if something happened between us and we broke up, he’d lose his only safe space.” I pause for a moment. “I won’t put myself in a position to hurt him. Not if I can prevent it. It’s best to stop this before it starts, before it gets serious.”
“Hmm.” Is all Amber says. She runs her hand through my hair, scratching my scalp. I breathe in her vanilla perfume and let my body relax. She may be a deceptive little thing, but where Benjamin has Felix, I have Amber. I need her right now.
I consider asking her to stay the night but I know she likes thecomfort of her own bed, so I don’t.
“Do you think you guys will be together in the future? If things could work out?” I think about her question, though there’s no point in wasting my energy on it. I already know the answer.
“I think that between now and when that time would come, someone who can give Benjamin what he needs, who can love him better, is going to meet him and there's absolutely no way they’d give him back to me.”
Amber lets me cry until I fall into a nightmare that feels like a reprieve from the reality I fell from.
Chapter Eleven
January 2018
Benjamin
Felix and I come up with a story for Monday. He suggests that I just stay home and have Drew come over another day, but the thought of Dad taking something else—having power over another part of my life—pisses me off. So mostly out of spite, I will go to school. I will hang out with my friends. Even if I might look like I got hit by a bus. Fuck, everything’s still so loud.
“Hey,” Felix pops his head into the kitchen where I’m grabbing our lunches from Tina. Having an authority figure who works from home around is pretty awesome in the food department. “Aaron is going to drive us to school, and we’ll just ride back with Drew. I already called him.” Before I can even open my mouth, he’s gone. I regret giving him Drew’s number already.
I haven’t spoken to Aaron since he rejected me. Since I called him a coward and slammed a door in his face. He’s done his best to stay out of my line of sight, and even when I was on the verge of losing it after coming home yesterday, he kept his distance and just listened. Only ever touched me with a rag when he helped clean me up. He listened to my warning and kept his hands to himself.
But late last night I swear I felt him. Not physically, but it’s as if he came into Felix’s room and sat next to me, watching me sleep. I think I saw the blurry outline of his figure, but I can’t be certain it wasn’t a dream. It could all just be longing—my brain giving me a comfort I know I won’t get in real life.
This is going to be a car ride from hell to say the least.
“Let’s go!” Fe yells. Aaron walks into the kitchen, giving me a wide berth, not even looking at me.You asked for this, I remind myself. He grabs his lunch from Tina and bends down to kiss her cheek.
“Thanks, Momma.”
“Have a good day, Little Bird.” She says, patting his cheek. Just as he’s about to leave, she calls out. “Wait.” Tina looks between the two of us. “What’s going on?”
Fuck. This woman's intuition is no joke, man. I have no clue what to say. My hands are sweating and I can’t even look at her. She’ll know—she’ll see the unrequited affection, the longing written all over my face. She’s already been gracious enough with the situation involving my dad; I don’t want to reveal any more.
“Nothi—”
“Don’t you lie to me, Little Bird. He looks like he’s mourning. It’s bad enough he’s been in a fight...” I can hear the sympathy in her voice. Nope, I can’t take it. I’ll cry at any second now—I have to go. I have to leave before it’s all out in the open, before she pulls it out of me. Fuck, the Archer family is so good at tearing me apart.
“I’ll be in the truck.” I grab our lunches, kiss Tina on the cheek—opposite of the one Aaron kissed of course—and run out of the room.
I’m speeding down the front steps when Felix leans out of the passenger seat.
“Woah, killer. What’s up?” I climb into the back seat of Aaron’s truck, handing Felix his lunch and shoving mine into my bag.
“Huh? Oh, nothing. Just nervous I guess.” I lie.
“Well don’t be. I’ll tell Aaron.”
“Tell me what?” Aaron chooses that exact moment to open the driver’s side door. He doesn’t look very happy. His bangs are no longer swooped back on his head, but hanging onto his forehead as if he was running a hand through them. His face has red patches coloring the skin. Clearly, his mom kept the conversation going after I left. Is he mad at me now?
“We came up with a story for Bear’s fucked-up face.” I shove the back of his seat.
“Hey!” Felix laughs at me. “I’ll have you know I’m still prettier than you, even with thisfucked-up face.” A scoff.
“Yeah right. And I’d go as far as saying that it’s debatable even when you don’t have a fucked-up face.” It’s my turn to laugh at him, peeking at him from over his seat.
“Care to place a bet, Fe?” Felix looks at me, eyes widening, realizing he’s dug himself into a hole. This is going to be fun—a brilliant distraction.
