Someone is screaming. I think it’s me—in my mind I’m screaming and screaming.
The part of me who only has my dad left, who only has the Archer family to rely on, can’t help but laugh. I mean, I wasn’t worth it to my mother for her to keep herself alive. I’m not worth enough to Dad for him to stop beating me unconscious. And now, I’m not enough to have anything other than regretted hook ups with Aaron. I understand he thinks he has some kind of noble intent, but damnit, can someone pick me? Just one time, please—someone choose me.I’m worth something more than this, right?
I stand, laying the towel on his bed and grabbing my clothes off of the floor where they were thrown after our shower. Aaron is a ball of nervous energy now, hovering over me, watching what I’m doing. When I start toward the bathroom door he calls to me.
“Wait, where are you going?” I keep walking. “Please wait, Button.” I want to throw up. I want to carve out my heart and my central nervous system. Then I’ll never have to feel him again. I want to rip the veins out of my wrists and watch them drain. Before I can enter the bathroom Aaron grabs my bicep, halting my steps. “Hey.”
“What?” My voice is harsh and I feel him flinch.
“I… Don’t be mad. I told you in the beginning, we both know we can’t do this.” I laugh. It’s a small, sarcastic laugh that pairs nicely with my narrowed eyes as I turn around to face him.
“Can’t? We already did. And did and did.” He looks away, unable to hold my glare, the emotion I have there.
“I know. But you know what I meant. We have to stop.”
There’s a long pause in which I study him. The sadness, the slumped shoulders, the trembling hands. Aaron looks like an abused puppy. Like I’m the one doing the rejecting here.
“For someone who claims to be completely at my mercy, you sure enjoy crushing me.” He takes a sharp breath, reaching a hand out to hold my cheek. I step out of reach, doing everything in my power to make my eyes as cold as possible. We stare at each other, and I realize this area of his room that exists between us will remind me of this moment for the rest of my life. “Okay, Aaron. You can have your wish, I’ll spare you. No more of this—we can go back to how things were at the beginning of last summer.” His shoulders relax and he sighs. I can see the relief, the grateful gleam in the green of his eyes.
“Thank you. I knew you’d understand. It’s not that I don’t want it, I just—”
“But, Aaron,” He meets my eyes, curious and unsure. "Don’t ever fucking touch me again.” The color drains from his face, those same grateful eyes widening.
“Button—”
“Whether it’s a hug, a high five, or the brush of our fingers when you hand me the remote. If you touch me again, I swear to God you will be like a ghost to me. Nonexistent.” A single tear rolls down Aaron’s cheek, and I pretend not to see, pretend it doesn’t suffocate me, pretend it doesn’t look like his entire world is falling apart. It’s so easy to see what you hope is there when you want something,someonebad enough.
I turn, walking through the threshold of the bathroom. I can hear his sharp intakes of breath, like he’s panicking. How he’s still standing in the exact same spot, watching me leave.
When I reach the door to Felix’s room I pause, not bothering to turn around as I speak.
“Oh, and Aaron?”
“Yes?” His voice is so fucking broken.I’m glad I didn't turn around.
“You were right. You are a fucking coward.” I walk into Felix’s room and slam the door shut behind me. Things are changing again—we are changing again.
Whiplash.
Chapter Ten
January 2018
Aaron
It’s been a full day since Benjamin told me to fuck off. A full day since he looked at me like I was ripping his heart out, like he hated me. I know he was angry—I know he wanted me to know how angry he was. But every time he looked at me all I could see was that unimaginable sadness. He was so pale, his eyes red. My teeth marks on his chest and shoulder, on his nape as he walked away.
I had him laid out in front of me for so long, trembling, submitted, so full of trust for me.
And now, I can’t even brush his shoulder.
I can’t see him—I can’t see his face and not break down and cry or reach out and touch. So, I've spent the past day holed up in my bedroom. I take turns staring out the window, crying, throwing things, looking in the mirror and shit talking myself. You know, normal heartbroken teenager shit.
I really don’t know how I feel. I’ve always cared for Benjamin; have always thought he was more beautiful than anyone around him. Then anyone I’ve ever seen. But lately… lately I've been itching at the thought of him looking at someone else, someone else touching him. Not just in a sexual way, but entirely. I’ve never felt this feeling before, so I don’t know how to place it. How to name it.
The sexual desire was easy—I’ve craved a body before. Not as intensely and possessively as I have Benjamin’s, but I know what this feeling, what this desire is. Outside of that, it’s all unknown.
I didn’t want to hurt him. I hate to think of him a room over, crying into Felix’s pillow the way I am into mine. But what could I do? Continue on? Keep fooling around with him until Felix found out and lost his mind, taking away Benjamin's only safe place? Orbetter yet, someone freaking out because I just turned eighteen and he’s still a fuckingminor?
