I can feel myself falling further and further—I know the ground is coming to meet me. My father is screaming in my ear—somehow I can still feel his hands.
“Fucking whore! You’ll end up just like her!”
I see her face as she cowers in the living room—shaking her head at me. Her dead body is falling next to me. Ronnie’s fists are flying into me. My face, my stomach, my back. I can barely breathe, I can barely think. I can see the ground; I will surely die. Only now I fear it—I don’t want it. A gunshot rings.
Ronnie’s body falls now—right alongside me and Mom. He’s dead too. I’ll be joining them. I can’t. I can’t go. This fall is taking so long, and it gives me time to remember that I have something depending on me. What is it? Fuck—I’m going to hit the ground soon. Think, Benjamin.
Black hair—green eyes—safe—safe—safe. He’ll catch me.
Aaron will catch me. I have to live for him; I can’t leave him alone. I don’t see him there on the ground. I’ll call for him—he always hears me, right?
“Aaron! Aaron! Aaron!”I keep screaming but I hear nothing. Doesn’t he always hear me? I’m going to die here with my parents—a Dickinson’s death. I love you, Aaron—please hear me.
“...Baby… wake up… Benjamin! Wake up!... Hey!” My eyes shoot open and I’m screaming. Screaming for Aaron—screaming that I don’t want to die—crying hysterically. Aaron has me in his lap where he sits on the bed, the covers around us both.
“Aaron—I was dying again. My mom and dad, their bodies were with me and I was falling. Aaron please. I can’t even close my eyes.” I’m sobbing against him—not even completely sure what I’m spewing at him.
“Hey—look at me. Benjamin, look at me.” At his stern tone I take my face from his neck and stare into his eyes. “It’s okay now. You called for me and I woke you up. I fixed it. I know it’s scary, but they’ll calm over time. Until then—I’ll keep saving you before you hit the ground. Just keep yelling for me.” Oh, fuck. I love him so much. I could die under the weight of this love.
“Thank you—thank you. I love you.” I shove my face back into his neck and he lays us down, arms wrapped tightly around me.
“When you dream now—dream of us with our babies.” This startles me into a laugh that sounds half like a sob.
“What?!”
“What? It’s a good dream. They’ll look like both of us and we can make them pancakes together.” My heart is fluttering at his sincerity—his desire to have such a mundane life with me.
“Okay—I’ll dream of it. If I remember it tomorrow, I’ll tell you what they’re like.” Aaron pulls me even tighter against him.
“I really hope you remember.” He whispers, and then we’re falling back to sleep.
???
After two full days at the Archer house, Aaron and I are more than ready to get back to our own. Saying goodbye to Tina is an event as she makes us promise over five separate times to call her if something happens—anything at all. Greg waves. So perfectly Archer. Thenwe load up the truck and let Fe know we’ll see him back home—ready to hit the road.
There’s only one major grocery store in Lancaster and we need to stop for a few road-trip essentials. It’s always a bit difficult coming back here after everything with Ronnie and Drew—but Aaron is here and I’m stronger now. Everything is fine, even if I still wake up screaming sometimes. Just as Dr. Howard said—one day at a time—always better than the last.
“If I get an orange, will you peel it for me while I drive?” Aaron asks me—making his way through the fruit aisle.
“Sure—I like the citrus smell so the truck will smell nice.” He gives me a grin as if he knows something I don’t. Some memory from long ago tingles in the back of my consciousness. “What?”
“Nothing. I’ll get the orange. Want any?” I scan the fruit options—deciding on a container of pre-cut watermelon. “Nice choice.”
“Want to get Gatorades? I like the minis.” Aaron’s laughing but he nods anyway, following me to the drinks.
“You always like the mini version of things. Is there a reason or is it just because they’re cute?” He’s teasing me but I can’t bring myself to care when he looks this happy, this content. Before I can respond—a familiar—unfortunate voice sounds.
“Benjamin?” Drew is standing in the drink aisle—staring right at me. I can feel Aaron at my back, most likely shooting daggers at him.
“Can I help you?” I give him a blank stare, hoping he’ll get the hint. We’re having such a good day.
“I… how are you? I haven’t seen you in a while. You look great. Are you—”
“I don’t really feel like doing this today. Could you move?” I watch Drew’s bright blue eyes as they fade into something nasty—something hateful.
“You’ve changed. You used to be so sweet—so gentle. Now look at you. You’re like a gangster now.”I can’t lie. It kind of hurts hearing this. I remind myself his opinion doesn’t matter—then I’m staring him down—holding my ground.
“I think that’s enough chitchat. Goodbye, Drew.” Aaron’s voice is stern, commanding. Drew does not flinch.
