“But then who cares for you?” He asks—soft and sad.
“You do.” I watch his eyes widen. “You take care of me all the time. That’s how I’m able to be the way I am. Where I am very loud in my love, you are soft and quiet. It’s why we work so well.”
“Aaron…” Benjamin’s eyes are watering. “I don’t know how to respond to that.” I kiss his forehead.
“Just keep loving me the same. Get onto me when I forget things, make me lunch for work, give me a safe place to be weak when I need it. All of the little things you do. Keep loving me like that and I’ll be happy forever.” He grabs my face—pulling me down to kiss him deeply—a long, sweet, intimate kiss. It saysyes, I understand.
He pulls away, panting slightly as he stares up at me.
“I love you.” He tells me. I run my fingers down his stomach.
“Then let me loveyouhow I always have. And in doing so—I should have considered that Felix was your best man. There was no other option. We literally talked about it at his wedding. How you… how you don’t have anyone to show up for your wedding.” Benjamin looks away from me. He looks embarrassed—ashamed. I grab his face, turn him back to me. “Hey—don’t hide.”
“I just get… I don’t know—it’s a bit embarrassing.” He mumbles, searching my face.
“I witnessed some of the aftermath of Ronnie over the years. I saw your house. Imetthe motherfucker. I know how you found your mother, how you suffered. You should be very proud to be here—to have kicked ass and gotten out of that house. Don’t be embarrassed that they killed themselves—you didn’t choose that. It’s not your fault they didn’t know how to love you.”
Benjamin pulls me down on top of him—sobbing into my neck—wrapping his arms around me.
“I…I…” He tries to speak but can’t get anything out through the sobs.
“It’s okay, baby—just let me hold you. Cry and lay with me.” So he does. He lets me roll over—pulling him into my side as I flip to my back. And over time his sobs subside, sending him fitfully off to sleep.
I kiss his hair—squeeze him to me. I’ll find a way to fix it.
???
After Ronnie attacked Benjamin and Drew in 2018, he came home to me and Felix and had an episode where he begged me to fix it—to make it stop. During that episode he said something that has always sat with me—stabbed at my heart—reminding me that he thinks about it every day. Benjamin had looked at us and said, “I have no home to call my own.” It was said amongst other things—but this specific part really hurt to hear.
I want to give him one. I want Benjamin to finally have a home of his own. Not just a house he stays in with his best friend. Not a college apartment he barely pays for and hardly sleeps at. Not his boyfriend’s apartment. A home that’s his from start to finish—meant for him. And I want to be in it. A part of it. The source—even. I’m just that selfish. So, like any good contributing citizen of society, fresh out of college I stalked the housing market until I found a good-sized—decently located—freshly built house up for rent. And then I rented it!
My lease ends at the beginning of next month and Benjamin doesn’t know that which makes the surprise all the more—well—surprising. And while we’re there we’ll pick a plot of land, and we will build our forever home intended just for us.
Benjamin will never feel as if he has no home of his own. Never again. And today—I’ll show him that.
Benjamin is in the kitchen making cheese danishes when I wake up so the apartmentsmells like a dreamy bakery.
“I want one.” I tell him, wandering into the kitchen, rubbing my eyes and yawning away the urge to get back in bed.
“Patience. The first batch is in the oven. I’m making some for Fe, too.” He’s got a spoon in his mouth, so his words sound awkward and muffled.
“He’ll love that. You can drop them off on our way out.” Benjamin’s head whips in my direction—pausing his mixing of what I assume is a glaze. He pulls the spoon out of his mouth.
“Way out? Where are we going?” I kiss his forehead, sticking my finger into the mix and bringing it to my tongue. “Hey!”
“Hmm—that’s really good, Button.” He flushes red, rolling his eyes and continuing to mix. “And it’s a surprise.”
“A surprise? You just proposed to me yesterday. Don’t tell me—are you pregnant?” Benjamin gasps and I rest my thumb on his tongue while he feigns shock.
“You’rethe one havingmybabies, Benjamin.” His lashes flutter when I press down on the ball lightly. Then—he gives me one dramatic blink. “Good. Now stop being nosy and make me some damn danishes.”
The danishes are really good.
???
The neighborhood I rented the house in is really nice. The houses are spread out so no neighbor is right up on the other—but you can still see that you have them. The driveway has a double-car garage connecting to the house—which is two bedrooms, two baths. The master is pretty damn big, but the main appeal is the big tub in the en-suite bathroom. The mirrors are also huge—all the more space for Benjamin to stare at himself. The kitchen and living room are just like any normal living room and kitchen—a swinging door connecting the two. In the kitchen is a sliding glass door that takes you to the backyard. It’s one story—white trim—baby-blue paint. Fuck—they even put in a white picket fence. Maybe we can get a dog for our big yard.
As we’re driving through the neighborhood Benjamin looks over at me.
