“Benjamin—you’re making this really hard for me right now.”
Aw, fuck. My sweet rage starts to slip into painful sorrow. He’s so mean. I can feel the tears welling in my eyes—slipping free. He reaches for me, but I take a step back.
“I lied.” I tell him. “Youaremean to me. You’re such a fucking liar, Aaron. I wish I could hate you. I wish you wouldn’t have touched me if this is what I was going to feel in the end.”
“Button—”
“No! I don’t want to hear that. Don’t call me that. I’m not your Button anymore—and I’m not your baby either.” He takes a step back as if I’ve shoved him—eyes wide, tears gathering.
“You don’t mean that.” He’s so certain. So fucking confident. “You can’t.”
“All things in my life must hurt me at least once. I asked you not to hurt me.” I pause—giving him time to speak, but he doesn’t. “Never. Never…. Fucking liar. Was it fun? Watching me beg you to want me?”
“Benjamin—you never have to beg me to want you.” I scoff. He has the gall to look hurt.
“Yet I did. Several times. Wanna know why I said yes to Drew? At least he’swantedme.”
“Fuck, I have always wan—”
“I swear to fucking God Aaron—if that leaves your mouth I’ll hit you. I’m not stupid. I’m not some kid anymore. If you had ever wanted me, you would have told me. Actually?What was it again?If I had any intentions, I would have said so long ago.”
Aaron’s eyes fill with recognition—growing in size as he starts to panic.
“Wait—it’s not at all what you think. That was a guy I used to fuck—” A sob leaves me. I don’t mean for it to—but come on. Really?
“Don’t talk to me again, Aaron. Please.” This time when I turn and walk away—he doesn’t follow.
Chapter Twenty Four
October 2019
Benjamin
The Greek-life party is definitely more intense than the others I’ve seen. There are so many rooms here that I keep getting lost—someone is always shoving a wine bag in my face, and it’spacked. But I needed a distraction—to feel nothing. I know my friends are somewhere around here, but I hide as best I can. I know if I see them, I’ll seehim.
I’m definitely pretty buzzed already. Drew said he’s grabbing us more drinks, but I might duck out of this room altogether. I’m pretty sure Aaron’s been following me from room to room, so I grab my cup off the table and slip out.
Next door is beer pong, and it doesn’t take Drew more than five minutes to find me.
“Hey? You moved.” He yells over the music—handing me a new drink as I slide the old cup under it.
“Yeah—I saw Aaron, so I ran.” Drew gives me a sympathetic smile and kisses me softly.
“I’m sorry, Ben. I know you really thought well of him.” I just shrug. I’m not playing the silent savior game with him tonight. I take a long drink of my punch.
The lights are incredibly bright, and the room is terribly loud as Drew plays a game of beer pong with some guys I don’t know.
I wish I could interact, wish I could let go. But Aaron won’t leave my mind—that fucking bathroom follows me everywhere.
“If I hadanyintentions, I would have said so long ago.”
I need air.
“I’m going to get some air!” I yell in Drew’s ear, and he gives me a smile and a quick thumbs-up.
In the hallway I push through bodies—trying to find an exit. But with every step I take my body becomes heavier and heavier. The world around me is a lava lamp and I can feel my pulse everywhere. Was I always this drunk? Ah, fuck. Where was I running to? I’ll just lean on this wall for a minute.
I can see the faces of students all around me—the flirtatious smiles, the disinterested eyes as I hold myself up. My lips are tingling—I touch them with my fingertips, but I can’t register the feeling.
