Havenmart is a walkable distance from my apartment which is necessary as I don’t have a car—but it’s a whole twenty minutesfrom Aaron’s which blows. He doesn’t really like it when I take the public bus, especially now that I’ve been recognized once or twice—so I go home and wait for him there if he can’t come straight to Haven.
Things have been incredible lately. Hanging out with all of our friends, being with Aaron, focusing on school and saving money. Performing. Sitting around the dining room table with Felix, Kayla, Greg, Tina and Aaron twice a month to play card games.
Greg and Tina were very happy about Aaron and I’s relationship. I’d been so nervous to tell them, but Tina wasn’t shocked in the slightest—just smiled softly to her son as if she was telling him—see Little Bird? I told you.Greg on the other hand was shocked to all hell but got a good chuckle out of it.
“Guess you never know what’s right under your nose, do ya? Could have been together this whole time!”
Which of course just made Aaron groan in regret—because yeah, we really could have if it wasn’t for his dumbass. Tina patted her husband’s arm and shook her head—leaving Felix, Kayla and I to laugh at Aaron and his dramatics.
It’s a nice memory. I’ve made a lot of those lately. It’s quiet.
The walk back to my apartment from Haven is only about ten minutes. Felix and I got a very central apartment. Felix was given a car for his graduation present back in 2018, so he doesn’t have to worry too much about where we hunker down—but my broke ass does.
I’m kicking a rock along the sidewalk—enjoying the feel of the sun on the skin showing from under my Havenmart shirt and blue jeans—when I get thisfeeling.
You know—like when you’re waiting for the other shoe to drop. Like something horrible is about to happen. I am not psychic—but lately I’ve been kind of just… waiting. Something always comes. It always happens. All things in my life must hurt me at least once. And I have plenty of new things to love and therefore fear.
On this particular day I happen to be right—the shoe is dropping. My reprieve has been long enough, the universe only owed me so much. Time is fickle, it’s worth more than a life. Mine—to be more specific.
“Benjamin Dickinson.” I look up from my shoe and my rock that I’ve claimed for it to kick. Ronnie looks worse than he usually does. Well, he looks exactly the same in his mechanic uniform: greasy hair, dirty skin. The nasty glare fixed on his face—his BO is smellable from here. But he looksworse. Angrier—lonely, more lost. Sad. This will not bode well for me. This time I will push back. I have people to protect me.
“Ronnie. Leave me alone—I’m an adult and want nothing to do with you. Goodbye.” I start to walk across the street, away from him. I debate screaming just to be safe—but it’s a Tuesday at 2 P.M. so everybody’s at work and this street doesn’t really have any buildings on it for workers to occupy. He was smart about timing, about location.
He waited until I was between the busy part of town where Haven is and the busy part where I live. Where he’d be less likely to be caught. He kept true to his word—he came looking and he finally found me.
I think about running but I’m not sure I could outrun him and it would piss him off more. He’s athletic and he’s vicious—like a rabid dog. I have to be smart, play my cards right.
“Adult? Look at you—with all your piercings and your gay little boyfriend. Working at a grocery store. You’re not an adult, Benjamin. And I’m your father—you’re coming home.” I let his comment about Aaron roll off of me, ignoring his taunts. Walking at a brisk pace, moving forward.
I can hear him following me but he’s not running. I should reach a more populated area before too long.
“Hey—are you listening to me? Fucking whore. Just like your mother.” I falter for just a second—just one measly second, before I continue on. But Ronnie sees it. He was banking on it. “Does that bother you, Ben? Does it bother you that you look justlike your mother? Walking around looking and acting like a fuckingpornstar. With those eyes and that hair. Disgusting. How many men are you fucking, Benjamin?” I continue to ignore him.
I’m nauseous—I’m angry. He’s never said such vile things in detail before. He’s never called me a fucking pornstar.
I hear it when he starts to run—so I book it. But in the same way I couldn’t outrun Aaron in his apartment back in 2019—I cannot outrun my father. Talented swimmer or not, they’re both just very athletic men.
Ronnie snatches me up by the back of my shirt. I can feel my skin crawl with the fear of someone unsafe touching it. The skin that’s already been ruined once before.
“What the fuck is this? Abite mark? Fucking slut! Who gave this to you? How many do you have?” He starts pulling at my clothes—lifting my shirt and tugging at the button of my jeans.
“Let me go! Don’t fucking touch me!” I scream at him, punching him in the arm, on the jaw. I see it—the moment he realizes I’m fighting back. The moment he pops off the child safety on his rage. He looks relieved.
I know that if I make it home—if Aaron sees whatever mess Ronnie leaves—my perfect little world will come crashing down.
“Let me go or I’m calling the police.” I tell him, hoping his drunk ass will listen to reason. The past few weeks have fucked with me too much—when did I start to have hope in things?
“I’ll flush your whore fucking mother right down the toilet, boy.”
He gets me good this time. It’s been a while, so it hurts more than I remember. I don’t beg him anymore—I just guard my face and head and let the tears fall. I can’t win in a fight of pure strength with him—I know that much.
Ronnie only leaves me when we hear a car coming. He spits right on me and takes off. He knows where to find me again.
The car does not pull over to see if I’m okay—they may not notice me at all. I’m not sure what all is hurt—what’s been fucked up. But I know I can’t go on stage for a while. I know Aaron won’tbe able to look at me. I know I won’t be able to sleep without fear again and that half of my vision is red. There must be blood in my eye.
I walk to Aaron’s apartment. He said he’s busy today until 5 P.M.—so I figure he’ll be out. But I can take a shower and put on his clothes, sleep in the bed he holds me in. Anything—anything at all to keep up this delusion that I can still be okay after this.
The front door is unlocked but that’s not unusual. Aaron thinks highly of the people around him. I shut the door behind myself and make my way in, stopping in the living room when I see a body sprawled out on the couch. At first, I think it’s Aaron—a large man with dark hair.
