“Yeah. He went home to see his mom about two months ago and I wasn’t doing well so I made a surprise visit to see them. It used to make me happy to be there… I thought it would help. And he’d be happy.” His gaze is distant and sad.
“What happened when you got there?” I press.
“It was not his mom at home with him. And the girl he was in the middle of fucking had no clue he was into guys at all. She was really upset—they’d been together since 2015, apparently. I guess she went to school in West Brooke. And all of those family trips to his grandparents? Dinners with mom? Bullshit. It was Sydney.” He laughs—a sad, cold laugh.
He continues—
“I should have been a bit more suspicious when his mom never treated me like her son’s boyfriend. She treated me more like how Tina treated me in the beginning of my and Fe’s friendship. And Ihatedmyself for hurting his feelings. For hurting him with my words—with my baggage. He wasn’t even a fucking virgin. Helied. Every fucking day he lied to me. He even got himself a solo dorm assignment our first year so that no one would see something and rat him out. I always told him my mistakes. Even when I didn’t have to—I told him. And when I confronted him—when I asked him how he could do this to me—he said being with me was hard, as if that would make it okay. Like fucking that girl was fine because I was too scared to be touched.”
“Benjamin…” He looks up at me—so beautiful, so destroyed.
“His sunlight? So fucking stupid. I spouted bullshit all day about how nice he was—how hewantedme, how he was soft and kind. Howhe loved me. Guess what, Aaron? When I walked in—he was not fucking her nicely.” My eyes widen. Oh shit.
“You mean—”
“Oh yeah. He had her fucking gagged. And yet he talked so much shit to me about how you didn’t care about me—didn’t respect me.” I notice he’s avoiding saying the love part.
“I’ll kick his ass, Button.” Benjamin laughs, resting his hand on my shoulder.
“Oh well. It’s not like I was shocked. It’s just my luck. We’ll play together for a while and I’ll finish college. And then… Well—who knows.” I can’t believe Felix is allowing him to stay in the band. That’s… yeah—I’ll be talking to him.
I stand up, taking Benjamin with me, turning to lay him in bed. Tucking him in, I sit next to him. He’s staring up at me like he’s wondering why I’m still here.
“Please stop hurting yourself. Please—let me help you. Let me be here.”
For a second—it looks like he’ll say yes. He’ll nod his little head and pull me down to hold him until he falls asleep. That he’ll let me try to fix this. But then Benjamin shakes his head and touches his fingertips to my cheek.
“I’ve heard that line before.” I freeze under his touch. “Who does God turn to for redemption when He answers to no one?”
???
The pet shop I work at is normally pretty quiet, so I have plenty of time to dwell over everything that happened the night before. Benjamin fell asleep very soon after telling me there’s no way for me to redeem myself—and I went home after cleaning and wrapping his wrist. To cry.
Drew cheating on Benjamin was not expected. Drew cheating on Benjamin theentire timethey were together is fucking insane. I remember Felix mentioning something last October about Drew—how he thought he might be hiding something. Ha—good eye, Fe. How I’mexpected to see that motherfucker and not deck him is beyond me.
Benjamin was so upset—so torn up. He can’t catch a break. I’m stuck—so stuck and sick I don’t know what to do. How to help him. I’d give him anything—do anything he asked.
The bell above the door jingles and to my surprise, Kayla walks in.
“Hey,” I greet, catching her attention. “What are you doing here?”
“We need cat food. I didn’t know you worked here.” She gives me a smile; her long ginger hair twisted into a braided crown.
“Yeah—since last month.” Kayla nods and goes to grab her cat food. When she returns, I clear my throat, ringing her up. “So—how are the boys?” I’m trying to sound casual, but I think she might see right through me.
“Felix is good—classes are fine and he’s loving the band.” She pauses for a moment and studies me. “Listen—I was told to let you figure it out on your own but all three of you boys are frustratingly hopeless. Felix is worried about Bear. If he’s not in class he’s getting stoned or drunk and he fucks someone new every night. Fe doesn’t know what to do—he can’t push him too hard.”
“Oh…” Damn. I didn’t know it was that bad. He’s smoking pot? Sleeping around? Fuck. Isn’t he scared of being touched?
“Talk to Felix. Get him to open up. Or better yet—go see Bear and tell him you love him.” I’m no longer surprised when people call me out on it—it’s obvious and it’s true. I’m more surprised that my friends haven’t caught on and called bullshit. I feel a hot guilt when thinking of our little group—sad for how caught in the middle they must feel.
“He wouldn’t believe me even if I did. He’d just push me further away.” I finally say.
“Maybe.” Kayla shrugs. “But someone has to do something before Bear smokes and fucks himself into an earlier grave. See you later, Bub.” Kayla grabs her receipt and her cat food and leaves the store.
It doesn’t take long for Kayla’s words to get to me—so I call Felix ten minutes later when the shop is still dead.
“You’ve reached Fe—what’s up Bub?”
