“Ah, well… Felix invited me over once, so I saw his room and it’s common sense that…” Benjamin is grinning at me again and it’s so fucking intoxicating.
“You littlepervert. How many times have you been in my room?” He places a hand on my shoulder as I use the now-wet rag and start to wipe the glitter off of his cheeks—chin grasped in my other hand.
“Only a few times.”
“Why? To stare at my undies? To steal my socks?” He thinks this is fucking hilarious—which in turn is makingmefeel like it’s hilarious. I chuckle.
“No—you weirdo. I just… wanted to be near you. To smell you.” His big eyes are staring up at me, and I only know he’s gone from joking to serious because his bottom lip is trembling just slightly. I look him in the eyes. “What?”
“I don’t understand.” Benjamin’s eyes are watering—that sweet hazel so precious to me. I kiss one eye—then the other, catching the tearsbefore they fall. “You confuse me. I’m always so confused. Why aren’t I scared when you touch me?”
Ah—fucking damnit. It doesn’t matter how much time we’ve been apart or how much he claims to hate me. I’m still his safest place.
“Because I’d never do anything to you that you didn’t want. You know that. I spent almost two years barely ever touching you—and I lived with you for some of it.” He chokes out a small laugh, nodding softly in my hands.
“True.” Then Benjamin sighs and his whole body relaxes—tension dissipating as if his body is telling me,okay Aaron—you’re turn to take watch, okay? You protect us now.
I keep washing his face and then I watch him sloppily brush his teeth. He keeps one hand on me the entire time.
I pull his jacket off of him and sit down on his bed. Benjamin comes to me—I don’t have to ask. Hand on my shoulder he watches me undo his little gold pants. As I pull them down, I feel his fingers move to my cheek. Looking up at him I let him step out of each leg. He’s looking down at me like he loves me and if this was any other day in any other lifetime I would kiss his chest—his stomach, his hips, and tell him that I love him too. I’d lay him down and push my way into him and stay there. Fall asleep deep inside—connected as one.
But the night is this one and this lifetime will last for eternity.
I hold his arm and start taking off his bracelets. Then when I’m done, I move to the left side. When my fingers start to grip the beads and leather straps that go mostly up his forearm, he rips his arm away from my grip.
“Benjamin?” His eyes are wide—cradling his arm to his chest.
“I’ll sleep with them.” He says, breathing harshly. I hear his voice in my head—can see him sobbing beneath me.
“It’s at this stage where it’s most likely to happen. I’m most likely to die. My wrists itch so bad.”
Oh fuck. It was this one—wasn’t it? Two years ago, when he slit his wrist after Ronnie attacked him and Drew—it was thisone. I snatch his arm back. Pure fear and panic are driving me, nothing else matters. If I’m wrong, then he can hate me more.
“Aaron—no. Stop!” He’s pulling away from me, punching me as hard as he can with his right fist, screaming at me. I let him. I take in every blow and do my best to rip the bracelets off as gently as possible, wrapping a leg around his to stop him from stepping back.
It’s bad. His wrist is sliced to hell. Any way he could have—he’s cut. Some are older and some are still actively irritated and bleeding slightly. I can’t even tell what he’s used to do it—his arm is so fucked up and raw. He’ll never get rid of these scars.
Benjamin’s still punching me, so I wrap an arm around his waist and let the wrist in my hand go. He pulls it to his chest, as if hiding it now will help.
“Horrible! Mean! Liar!” He’s crying so hard—like I’ve uncovered some part of him that no one was ever meant to see. Like I betrayed him. “I’m such an idiot. Every time I let you near me, I end up like this. I fucking hate you, Aaron.I fucking hate you.”
He’s screaming and sobbing like he wants me to die, but he’s crawling into my lap—shoving his face into my neck, holding around my shoulders so tight—like I might try and pull him off.
I’m rubbing his back and scratching my nails through his hair. Listening to every cry and curse. Whispering in his ear I tell him he’s safe—and I have him, and he can be weak now. I’ll stay and make sure no one comes.
Benjamin eventually calms down—resting in my lap taking deep, shaky breaths. I can feel his cold lips against my neck. After some time I ask—
“Why didn’t you ask for help? Where has Drew been all this time?” He’s such a shit fucking boyfriend. I’ll beat his ass for real this time. No more letting him off easy for Benjamin’s sake. He already hates me anyway.
Benjamin raises his tired, tear-soaked face to look at me—brow furrowed.
“You… you don’t know?” I can feel my heart sinking for the millionth time tonight. I shake my head. “We’re done.”
“What? Why?” A sour, sad smile twists over Benjamin’s mouth and I know whatever it is—Drew is not safe.
“He was cheating on me. Has been since we got together.”
“What?!” He sighs, dropping his eyes to watch as he runs his fingertips over my neck.
