I can’t wait to die.
???
I don’tknow how I left the house but it’s Wednesday and I’m on a bench somewhere on campus. I don’t know how I look—I don’t know what I’m doing here. But I do have an idea on what to do next.
I pull out my phone and dial.
“Hello?”
“Alex—hey man! Do you know where I can get some weed?” Alex laughs—startled by the abrupt question. I wish he’d hurry.
“Sure man, I’ll send you his address. You wanna—”
“Thanks so much—a life saver. I’ll get your next coffee
okay?” I hang up. I wait and wait—foot tapping. In my mind she’s there, and my wrist itches and it’s so fucking loud again. I get a text—a number.
Thirty minutes later I’m in some guy named Mad Dog’s apartment. He’s going through his weed stash but I’m not really here for that.
“Hey man—” I start. “Do you have anything stronger?”
A slow grin breaks out onto his face as he asks, “How strong ya lookin’ for?”
I don’t know too much about opioids—but I do know Oxycodone is a pill that when taken every few hours—it can keep me calm and happy. They are a decent choice to keep my mind and the memories at bay—to keep me alive long enough to graduate and finish what I need to. The price was ridiculous, but I’d been saving at the Archer house so it’s fine.
I take a pill dry and tuck the rest into my pocket. I’m hungover and my stomach is empty. They’ll kick in fast.
Felix is at the dorm when I get home an hour or two later.
“Hey! No one’s been able to find you. Are you okay?”
“What? Me? Yeah?” I can’t tell how wide I’m smiling—if it’s soft and lazy or wide and manic—but I feel really good and I know I’m running from it, but I can’t find it in me to be concerned. I get it now—why people do drugs. I think I’ll really like this.
“Um, okay… Well, you’ve missed a class already. Let’s go to Algebra.”
Like a good boy I grab my bag—my skin buzzing with sunlight.
“Benjamin.”
“Yes?” I smile at him. I love my best friend. I hate it when he looks like Aaron.
“Are you… Are you drunk?” Actually—no. I shake my head, patting his bicep.
“Nah—just decided I’m not letting the world beat me up anymore—that’s all.” Felix is giving me a cautious look, but has nothing more to say, so we begin our walk. The pills are burning a hole in my pocket.
“Ben!” Drew appears in front of us as we’re leaving the dorm building. “Where did you go? I waited for like an hour and you never called me back.”
“I’m sorry.” I try my best to give him my most sincere, apologetic Bear face. I feel so damn good that I forgive him for leaving me. I’ll tell him. “I am. And I forgive you for leaving me that night at the market. Now we really can be together.” I’m grinning at him, but he’s staring at Felix. They’re having a silent conversation—trying to figure me out.
“Okay… no worries. Thanks, Benjamin. Wanna hang out later?” Sex on pain pills would feelamazing.
“Absolutely. After our last class, yeah? Come on, Fefe.” I grab Felix and pull him toward our lecture.
They’ll keep trying to figure me out and find nothing. In the end—who wants to stop someone from being happy? God—I feel so good. No Aaron—no creepy party girl—no desire to slice myself open. Just…. bliss. I just need to keep the pills close by. That’s all. It’s just medicine.
???
Two weeks later, I’m running back to the dorm from mine and Drew’s last lecture. I’ll start to feel the beginnings of withdrawal soon if I don’t take more of my medicine—and I couldn’t grab them this morning with Felix on my heels the entire time. The euphoria doesn’t necessarily last too long, so I need to take more throughoutthe day. I only have around six hours before I need another.
