My wrist itches so bad. So fucking bad. I want to see my blood and know it’s there. I can bottle it up and give it to Aaron since he loves ripping me open so much.
I’m done. No more medicine—no more dreaming. I can go through motions. I can fake a smile. And one day it’ll be over.
The walk back to the dorm is calm and quiet and it’s dark by the time I’m walking onto our floor. Drew is standing at the door.
“Benjamin?! Are you okay? What happened?” I’m not sure how I look but it’s definitely not my best.
“I went for a long run.” It’s not technically a lie. Drew sighs—taking my hand in his and kissing it gently.
“Ben—give me another chance.” My eyes widen, mouth dropping open.
“What?”
“I needed to speak to a therapist. About the Aaron stuff. We worked through the beginning, and I’ll keep going. But I don’t want to lose you. I gave you another chance once—can’t you do the same?” Therapy?
He’s not wrong. He gave me another chance.And he’s trying to change. But my heart is caught up on Aaron. Maybe this is what I need. Remind myself what a normal relationship is like.
“Okay, Drew. I’ll give you another chance. But let’s talk tomorrow—I’m exhausted.” Drew smiles down at me, big blue eyes and soft brown hair. He kisses my head.
“Of course. Good night—I’ll call in the morning.” I watch him call the elevator, then enter the dorm.
Felix is standing there—eyes wide, hands clasped in front of him.
“Hear all that?” I ask, moving to drop my bag.
“Yeah.” His voice sounds rough—like he hasn’t talked in a long time.
“That’s good. I’m taking a shower and going to bed. Good night, Fe.”
“Bear, are you—”
“No—I’m not okay. But what can you do? Shit happens.”
???
The next morning, I agree to be Drew’s boyfriend again—accepting his apology. I don’t tell him about Aaron. We eat breakfast together and then he heads to class. It’s the best I can give him right now—the best I can do.
I’m standing in the grass outside of the cafeteria, letting the sun warm my face as I tilt it up to the sky. Breathing.
“Benjamin.” Aaron.
“Get away from me.”
“Benjamin.”
“Fuck you.” I look at him standing in front of me. He doesn’t look much better than I do. Red eyes—fucked hair, sweatpants and a rumpled shirt. I guess his boyfriend didn’t believe him. Good.
“Why?”
“What?!” I turn around and walk away. He gets in front of me again—stopping me. “Leave me alone.” I sneer.
“Why areyou dating Drew again?” Okay—not what I thought he was going to ask, but I also don’t care what he wants to hear or what hurts his feelings.
“Why do you care?” His eyes narrow.
“You know why.” I quite literally laugh at him.
“What, because you own me now? News flash Aaron—you can own something all day long while it’s used by someone else.” The pure, unfiltered rage in his eyes is actually a little scary. I turn away and head in a different direction, but he just blocks me again. “Fucker!”
