“I doubt he’ll even talk to me again.” There’s a pain in my chest—the one that remembers how things were before we dated.
No memories. Where’s Aaron? If I find him in the bathroom, would he give me a kiss?
“I’ll go find Aaron.” I jump up and head to the entrance.
“Uh, okay.” Felix calls after me.
Aaron makes everything better—he can fix thisandme. Hepromised. He’s promised me so much. I’m starting to feel a bit of hope. And nothing’s worse than hope—I would know better than anyone.
I shove open the heavy door to the communal men’s bathroom and look around for a moment, trying to gauge if other customers are in here.
I hear voices:
“You didn’t like it, baby?” It’s a soft, high voice. Tone seductive. Oof—not in public guys!Like I’m any better.
“No—I didn’t.” My blood runs cold. “It was an experiment, I’ve already told you.” He sounds like he’s trying to get this guy to understand—like he’sbeentrying and this isn’t the first time they’ve been here. Like it’s important that he knows.
“But I’m—”
“I don’t like the blonde hair and brown eyes look. The dressing girly—the constant flirting. All of it turns me off.”
I turn my head to the left and see myself in the mirror of the sink through rising tears. He just described me perfectly.
“I wanted to get off—and I did. If I hadanyintentions, I would have said so long ago.”
“If I hadanyintentions, I would have said so long ago.”
I hear the guy laugh.
“Aaron—don’t touch—” I’m out of the bathroom. I can’t hear it. Not today—not ever.
I burst out the front of the café, startling Felix who jumps up when he sees me.
“Bear?! What the fuck happened?” I’m panicking—I can feel it. I have to go.
“Don’t let him follow me.”
I grab my bag and I run. I’m running so fast that I can’t see the faces of the people I pass. I don’t keep track of where I go.
“If I hadanyintentions, I would have said so long ago.”
“...We’re connected, Button. We can’t live without each other now.”
All things in my life must hurt me at least once. I knew that. I’ve been repeating that for years—making sure I knew, making sure I wouldn’t get caught up and surprised. But he got me. He really had me convinced. Maybe it was stupid to think he hadromanticfeelings for me—but anexperiment? I turned him off? I didn’t turn him off the first—second, third, or fourth time. What gives?! Motherfucker!! I sprint faster.
“If I hadanyintentions, I would have said so long ago.”
“Iknow you, Benjamin. All of you—inside and out. Mental and physical. I’m going to claim it all—make it all feel like mine when I come this deep inside of you. You take me so well, baby.”
I’ve been here before—haven’t I? Exactly right here—in this moment. Tortured by the things he said—the way he felt. In two years—will he get me again? Is this the pattern I am now seeing?
“Aaron—please don’t hurt me.”
“Never. Never.”
Aaron is such a beautiful liar. I didn’t know that after a god saves you, he can kill you again. And again. And again. I didn’t know him having my life in his hands meant he’d go for the kill.
I finally stop running. I’ve made it to a random neighborhood park, so I sit in the woodchips and stare at the now-setting sun. I moved away from Ronnie and thought a whole new life could be made for me. That I could start over—fix it. I cannot. I might as well crawl back home and take the beatings. It would feel better than this hot fucking pain—this ache.
