‘Saving your arse. You’re clearly frothing for this imbecile already, you massive simp, and someone needed to come and remind you none of this is real.’ She pushed me away with tears in her eyes. ‘Caroline, darling, I love you too, you sweet, simple idiot.’
‘Where shall I put the bags?’ Joel asked, holding up both suitcases. ‘Also, where’s the loo? I’m dying for a wee.’
‘You … you want to stay here?’ Lizzie looked as though she could faint clean away, which really wouldn’t be a problem because I would be on the floor already to break her fall.
‘Caroline said we were invited,’ Desi said, turning to me. ‘Isn’t that right, sis?’
‘No, because you said, the other day at Callum’s flat,’ I babbled when Lizzie redirected her glare at me. ‘When I said I was spending Christmas with my sister …’
‘So I did,’ she said, stepping forward and coolly taking over the situation. ‘Not a problem at all. We’re delighted to have you – Svetlana. Only I don’t have another room set up right now so they’ll have to sleep in your room tonight, Caroline. You can bunk up with Callum.’
Desi’s eyes flashed and I knew she was furious at this unanticipated flaw in her plan.
‘We can share with Caroline,’ she offered. ‘Joel can sleep on the floor.’
Joel screwed up his face in disagreement. ‘Joel has been sat in a car all day and he’ll do no such thing.’
‘Mum, there have to be twenty other rooms we can put them in,’ Callum said, finally finding his voice.
‘Yes and they’re all closed up,’ she replied. ‘They need cleaning and heating and the beds need making and no, tonight at least, we’ll have to make do. Hopefully Caroline’s night terrors won’t be too bad.’
‘Not as bad as mine will be,’ Derek squeaked as Desi’s hand disappeared behind his back and dropped towards his backside.
‘Fantastic, we’re all settled. What’s for dinner?’ she asked, eyes gleaming. ‘We’re both starving.’
‘That depends,’ Lizzie replied. ‘Are you vegans like Caroline?’
‘Sweet Lord, no,’ Joel shook his head. ‘Give me all the meats.’
‘Although I can’t eat wheat, refined sugars or anything in the nightshade family,’ Desi stated. ‘And I’m not especially keen on bananas, while you’re taking notes.’
‘What’s a nightshade?’ Rory asked, eyeing them both carefully, and I answered for Desi before she could say something else insulting.
‘Tomatoes, aubergines, peppers, potatoes.’
‘Potatoes?’ Now it was Derek’s turn to look as though he might pass out. ‘How do you live?’
‘It’s a hardship, Derek,’ Desi said, her cutglass faux-posh girl accent slicing through my eardrums. ‘But I soldier on. Caroline, why don’t you show me and Joelly where to put our bags then we’ll strap on the old feedbag. Does that sound like a plan?’
‘I’ll help.’ Callum held out his hand for one of the suitcases but I moved to block his path.
‘No need, go back and eat your dinner.’ I met his eyes and silently pleaded with him to go along with me. ‘We’ll be back down in two minutes. It’s all going to be fine.’
‘Is it?’ he asked in a quiet voice as the rest of the family drifted back towards the dining room.
‘Seems unlikely but I’ll do my best,’ I muttered. ‘I’ll get rid of them. Is there somewhere in town they can stay?’
‘Unlikely. The only rooms are at The Clach and they’ll be fully booked for Christmas.’
‘I’ll work it out,’ I promised. ‘Don’t worry.’
From the look he gave me as he walked away, I could tell he was definitely not reassured, but that was fair.
Neither was I.
Chapter Twenty-One
‘And then we just said fuck it, sold our shares back to Zucks, told him to shove the whole social media thing up his arse and became digital nomads,’ Desi said, elbows on the table, hands cradling her heart-shaped face. ‘Since then we’ve mostly been investing in crypto, haven’t we, darling?’
