‘But not you.’
It was a question, a statement and a show of admiration all in one, but I couldn’t be sure how Callum interpreted my words. He sniffed, rubbed the back of his hand against his chin then waved my words away.
‘I wanted to say sorry about Elsie earlier.’ He pushed up the long sleeves of his shirt and the muscles on his forearms contracted when he leaned them on the wooden table. ‘I didn’t think she’d be around until later or I’d have given you more warning. Don’t take anything she says personally, it’s not about you. It’s me she’s upset with.’
‘Any particular reason why?’ I asked, finally feeling brave enough to remove my bobble hat and open my coat. I wasn’t quite ready to take it off but I could at least unfasten the toggles. ‘I don’t have any brothers or sisters but that felt a bit more intense than your average sibling rivalry.’
The question sat for a moment and I could tell Callum was trying to decide whether or not he wanted to answer it, pushing his glass around in circles like he was making patterns on a spirograph.
‘You don’t have to talk about it if you don’t want to,’ I added. ‘It’s none of my business.’
‘You’re here, you’ve borne the brunt of Elsie’s temper, it’s your business,’ he replied. ‘I’m just trying to workout how to tell the story in a way that won’t make you hate me.’
I scrunched up my face, scoffing at the unlikely outcome. ‘What did you do? Set fire to her Barbie dolls?’
The bittersweet smile on his face didn’t budge.
‘Dad wanted me to take over the farm,’ he began, forcing out his words as though he resented each and every one. ‘Like his father before him and his father before him and so on and so forth, all the way back as far as anyone can remember. And according to my dad, every McClay son has taken on this sacred duty with a willing heart, all of them born to it, farming in their blood. Well, something went wrong when he had me because I never wanted to stay on the farm. Not that there’s anything wrong with the place, it’s beautiful, you can see that.’
I nodded in agreement. He wasn’t wrong.
‘Every minute I wasn’t at school, if I wasn’t doing my homework, Dad would drag me into the fields or the sheds, trying to bring out some latent love for the farm, but it was never there.’
‘Because you loved cooking?’ I nudged for him to continue as he took a drink.
‘Because I always wanted to get out and see what else was happening in the world. Cooking is something I fell into, you can pick up kitchen work anywhere in the world, but I came to love it. If I’d stayed here, I might never have known that about myself.’
‘And how does that bring us back to Elsie?’
Callum wiped a hand over his face and groaned.
‘It broke my dad’s heart when I left to go travelling. Because I let everyone down, Elsie took my place. Followed Dad around everywhere, learned how to do everything. Tried to be everything he wanted me to be.’
‘So you left and Elsie had to give up her dreams to take your place,’ I surmised. ‘I can see how that would rub her up the wrong way but I don’t think you should blame yourself. She chose to take on the job the same way you chose not to.’
‘That’s the stupid thing,’ Callum shook his head, confused. ‘She didn’t give up anything, she loves it. Else is better at running the estate than I ever would’ve been and she’s already made it more profitable than it was the whole time Dad was in charge. But she’s still so angry with me.’
‘I wish I could offer up a theory but I’ve got nothing,’ I admitted, feet still throbbing in my boots. ‘Have you tried talking to her about it?’
‘We can’t even have a civil conversation without her biting my head off.’ He gave me a sad smile and I felt a flutter in my stomach. ‘I thought my dad might be angry at me for walking away from the farm. I didn’t know it would cost me my sister.’
I closed my eyes and sighed. Most neuroscientists were in agreement that we only understood about ten percent of the brain’s full capabilities, but even with that in mind, brains still made more sense to me than most people. Imagine having this incredible computer inside your head, billions of neurons all firing at once, giving you the ability to walk and talk and think and feel, and you chose to use all those unimaginable complexities to be mad at your brother for no reason.
When I opened my eyes again, Callum was staring into the fire, a melancholy look on his face. I noticed a tiny freckle under his left eye, a tiny golden fleck, and when he looked back at me and smiled, it disappeared into the crease between his eyelid and his cheek.
‘Your dad must be so proud of you,’ he said. ‘A neurosurgeon? It’s incredible.’
And now it was my turn to get uncomfortable. A fair exchange of vulnerability.
‘I suppose,’ I replied, shuffling in my seat. ‘We never really talk about it.’
‘Your job or whether or not he’s proud of you?’
‘Either,’ I answered. ‘Both.’
Someone opened the front door behind us and I wrapped my coat around myself at the sudden sharp chill.
‘It was hard for him, after we lost Mum,’ I went on, even though I wasn’t sure why. I didn’t talk to anyone about my dad, not even Desi. ‘Thirty-six and stuck at home with a grieving teenage girl. He didn’t really know what he was doing and we didn’t have a lot of other family nearby to help. We muddled along until I left for university and met Desi and Joel. They’re my family now. I see Dad when I see him.’
