‘The straight men,’ William corrected. ‘If you don’t mind.’
‘What was it you said before, you’ve had enough of me? I’ve had enough of you,’ CJ declared. ‘Twatting around like you’re cock of the walk. Why are you lying for her? I hope it’s not to get in her knickers because, trust me, it isn’t worth it.’
‘I’ve asked you to stop talking once, I won’t ask again,’ Joe replied with a growl.
But CJ didn’t stop talking. His eyes sparkled with malice, thrilled to get a reaction.
‘Don’t be fooled by what’s in the book,’ he said. ‘We were young when we first met so I’ll be generous and put some of her poor performance down to inexperience but the fact of the matter is, some people are just shit in bed.’
‘That’s it.’ Joe wheeled around, ready to fight. ‘You tragic little weasel, I’m going to—’
‘You’re going to what?!’ CJ yelped. ‘You’re going to what, Joseph Walsh, hit me? You can’t, I’ll have you fired!’
‘He’s right, Joe, you can’t hit him,’ I said, stepping forward. ‘But I can.’
And I did.
Just once, landing my first ever punch square in the jaw. He reeled for a moment before careening backwards onto the bouncy castle, arms and legs flailing wildly.
‘That’s it, CJ!’ Dad cheered. ‘Someone had to be first on!’
‘See, this is why women should be in charge of things,’ Sarah said. ‘Men mess around too much. We’re efficient.’
‘Oh my god, it hurts so much,’ I gasped, shaking out my hand as the music ratcheted up another notch.
‘Imagine how he feels.’ Joe took my hand in his and kissed the throbbing knuckles in front of everyone. ‘My knight in shining armour.’
‘All right, everyone, it’s time for cake!’
My mother’s voice sang out across the scene as she and Charlotte emerged from the kitchen carrying her still very questionable cake, made no better for the massive number of candles she’d shoved in for effect.
‘Joe, watch out!’
William’s warning came a split second too late.
CJ launched off the bouncy castle and lunged at Joe, grabbing him around the waist and spinning him in a circle. With a look of perfect surprise on his face, Joe let go of my hand as CJ dragged him away, his arms still outstretched, and before he could attempt to recover his balance, he slammed into both my dad and his. Gregory went over next, stumbling into my mother and knocking the cake clean out of her arms as the two of them rolled to the floor. The cake flew through the air, landing right at my feet, somehow managing to look no less appetising than it had on the plate. At the same time, Joe and CJ continued to scuffle, rolling around in front of the bouncy castle, Joe holding a defensive position and CJ attempting to spike him with little jabs. It was like watching a cub trying to bash in a lion, almost adorable but also entirely pointless. There was a reason Simba waited a few years to take on Scar and we were seeing it play out in real time.
‘Hugh! Gregory! Enough!’ My mother’s sharp voice brought both men to heel in an instant. ‘I was gone for less than five minutes.’
Dad stooped, shamefaced, picked up the cake knife and held it out to my mother as the human tumbleweed of CJ and Joe spun towards them and Dad threw himself in front of his family.
‘Watch it,’ Dad yelled as Charlotte fished into her ill-gotten Chanel purse and pulled out her own non-contraband phone. ‘I’ve got a knife!’
It wasn’t a threat so much as a warning as the tangle of limbs swallowed him whole, the three of them hurtling back towards the bouncy castle, a blur of arms and legs thumping across the bright red floor. All four turrets jostled with joy as three adult male bodies and one ceremonial cake knife ricocheted around as one. We all held our collective breath as CJ stumbled and slipped like Bambi on his way to a funeral in his skin-tight suit. Dad scrabbled to gain purchase, long having lost hold of the knife and Joe, looking more confused than anything else, stayed exactly where he was, clinging to the last shred of dignity available to these men. As ‘Eye of the Tiger’ faded away, I heard the opening bars of ‘Oops I Did It Again’ emanating from the speakers and an ear-splitting squeal filled the air, drowning out even Britney, followed by a loud, insistent hissing.
‘He’s stabbed me!’ CJ screamed at the top of his lungs. ‘He’s stabbed me! I’m dying!’
But it wasn’t CJ who had been skewered, it was the bouncy castle. Joe rolled away from the human dogpile first, pulling my dad out next and leaving CJ to flounderas the castle wilted around him, deflating much faster than I would have expected.
‘I’m sorry, Pandora,’ Dad lamented as Joe helped him up to his feet, the bouncy castle deflating in the background. ‘We’re never going to get the deposit back.’
‘At least you got to have a go.’ She swooped down to pick up his top hat and placed it on his head with an affectionate pat. ‘That’s what matters.’
CJ crawled out from underneath the brightly coloured PVC, unstabbed and mostly unscathed. The only thing that seemed to have suffered was the seam up the back of his very tight trousers which had split in two, and much to my and Sarah’s delight, he hadn’t noticed yet. He stood up with indignation on his face, a torrent of abuse on the tip of his tongue and his arse on full display.
‘You’re pathetic! You’re all pathetic!’ he squeaked. ‘Not you, Sir Ian, but him and her and him and you!’
‘Moi?’ Sarah coquettishly batted her eyelashes at CJ. ‘I’ll take that as a compliment.’
