“Yeah, well, fuck that.I’m not going.I’m staying.You’ll have the best doctors…” His voice is cracking and his eyes are wide.
I’ll never be able to forgive myself for hurting him like this.But the problem is that I’ll hurt him no matter what I do.Ripping off the Band-Aid is always the kinder way to go.
“You’re going to live a long, long time!You’ll be arguing with me about everything and nothing into your nineties.”
I step closer to him and look him in the eyes.“Eighteen months, Declan.Not ninety years.You heard the doctors.The average survival iseighteen months.”
“But maybe it’s not even cancer.”
He doesn’t want to deal with the truth of what we just learned.I don’t either.But it’s where we are.
“Declan, I need to be alone.I’d prefer to be alone.I’m used to it and it’s what I want right now.Give me this time.”
His eyes fill with tears that spill onto his cheeks.
“We’re married.I’m your husband.”
“It’s okay.”I reach up and run my fingers through his hair and wipe away his tears.“You can be my husband from your house tonight.Please don’t make me fight you.Please don’t make me beg.Give me some time to myself.”
“How much time?”
“I don’t know.I’ll update you.”
“Update me?”He lets go with a hysterical laugh.
“I need to be alone.”
He’s looking at me with an expression of torment.
“I’ll just say goodnight now,” I say, trying to shut the door.
He pushes it open, walks toward me, and lifts my chin.He kisses me ever so lightly, as if I’m glass that’ll break under the weight of his lips.But the kiss, as light as it is, lasts a very long time, as if he’s afraid this is our last.
And maybe it is.
If I’m a good person, if I’m strong enough, it will be.
Declan finally stops kissing me.He nods resolutely.“I’ll be back tomorrow,” he says softly.
“No.Not tomorrow.You only come back when I tell you that you can.Not before.Promise me you’ll wait for my permission.”
“I’m not going to promise you that.”
“Then pretend that you promised me and don’t come back until I tell you.”
“I’m planning a wedding for us,” he says.
“We already had a wedding.”
“A real one.Not crazy like Finn’s, but a real one with everyone from the ranch.No dress but you’ll carry a bouquet, and I’ll slip a ring on your finger.”
I shake my head.“Don’t plan that.Don’t plan a wedding or anything that involves me.I don’t want you to do that.”
He smiles at me like he doesn’t believe me.
Was that my second lie to Declan?I shake my head.It doesn’t matter what I want.The universe has just dumped a stinking pile of “who gives a fuck what you want?”on top of my head.
I want a life with Declan.
