“What the fuck?”he says.“Those places are brutal.I’ve seen them.Why, Summer?”
I shrug.“I figured the hard work would burn away the pain I was in.It was stupid.But fate saved me, and I hopped on the Lompoc bus instead.”
“You are one stubborn woman,” he says.
“Look who’s talking!”
We’ve only spoken in general terms about what happened here with my parents.As always, Declan knows not to push too hard.He knows I have to be ready to tell something before he can ask something.
“Here’s the deal,” I say, looking up at him.“I’m going to give you a no-frills, cut-and-dry rundown.But you have to promise me you won’t freak out.”
One of his black eyebrows quirks up.
“You will not feel sorry for me.You will not pity me.You won’t ball up your fists and threaten to tear Steve and Lurlene Stevens to shreds.There’s no need to—a lifetime of addiction and despair has done that work for you.”
His face has turned to stone.“What did they do to you?”
I shake my head.“I don’t know how long it will take for me to get to the bottom of my feelings and I don’t know how much I’ll want to talk about it, but I do want to tell you some stuff.But here’s what you need to remember—I’m not living in that trailer with them anymore.It’s all way, way,wayin the past and the past has no power over me.”I poke Declan on the knee.“I live for myself and for you and our love and for our family and the ranch.They’re not a part of that.”
“What did they do, Summer?”
“You have to promise me.”I lift my fist.I wait until, eventually, he taps his fist to mine, but he’s not happy about it.
“I’ve told you that they were druggies, and they were.They got hooked on oxycodone first and then started selling and buying and the houses or trailers we lived in were drug stores, basically.I had a lot of great teachers, and I loved school, but I missed a lot of it.I had to lie to my teachers about what was happening at home, because if I did anything to get Steve and Lurlene in trouble, I knew I’d pay the price.”
“Fuck.”
“They left me alone for days, and those were the best days.The longest we ever stayed in one place was for a few years outside of Bakersfield, near a ranch.The owners let me hang out.They were really good people.Fed me nearly every day and taught me to ride and how to care for horses.After we moved, I always found somewhere to go where they had horses, and made myself useful so I could earn riding time.”
I feel Declan’s warm hand on the nape of my neck.Steady and safe.I take a deep breath, but I can’t stop.I need to get this out.I can't look at him or I’ll choke up.
“Sometimes they’d lock me up in closets or basements and forget they’d done it because they were too high.All right.”I dare glance up at him.I think he’s on the verge of tears.“They are why I can’t lie—all they did was lie.To each other.To me.To the sad people they sold to or bought from.To the cops.To their so-called friends.To people they stole from.
“And that’s why I can’t stand Las Vegas, Declan.They’d drag me there with them and leave me places by myself while they went off and did what they did.I know I was a real pain in the ass when we were there to look for Evander and Phoebe, but I really, really hate that place.”
“Summer, can you stop for a second?”
“No.I have one more thing to say and then I’ll stop.”
He leans in and kisses my cheek.I don’t look at him.
“I learned that it’s better to not talk much about my past.And I learned that if I’m ever tempted to lie, it means something in my life is going off the rails.That I’m not in the right place or with the right people or I’m not facing what I need to face or taking good care of myself.But you know what’s weird?I’ve never liedoncesince I came to Yosemite Ranch.Never had to.I’m proud of my work.I do it well.I love it there.And it’s my place, where I belong.
“Except for the two times I lied to you, Declan.”
I do look at him now.His brows are knit together.He’s probably been frowning through all of it.
“I told you I needed more wood so that I could push you out the door.And I told you I didn’t want a wedding when I do.”
“Summer—”
“Wait.I forgot one thing.You know that scalene triangle thing on my leg?”
“Yes.On the inside of your right thigh.”
“My mother used me as a human ashtray.”
I jump up off the bench.I start pacing.Declan’s walking next to me.
