‘Putain!’ Gabriel gasped. ‘That is horrendous! What did you do?’
‘For the first few weeks, I was able to crash at some of my uni friends’ places – at the halls of residence. I went to a uni in London because I couldn’t afford to move away, so I didn’t have my own place. Anyway, I got really bad morning sickness, so I wasn’t the best guest. Plus, they were young and wanted to party and sleep around, so having me in their room cramped their style.’
‘And the father?’
‘He didn’t want to know. He also wanted me to get rid of it. Said he was too young to be tied down with a baby. And he was living at home too. In the end I got housed by the council temporarily which was awful, but at least it was a roof over my head. I basically had to go through everything alone. All of my good friends had moved away to universities outside of London so they weren’t around. And when they were, the last thing they wanted to talk about was antenatal classes and childbirth.’
‘That is terrible that you had to do all of that alone.’ Gabriel shook his head.
‘Yeah. In the end, I just had to get on with it. I suppose I was on autopilot. But it was tough because I was kind of still a kid myself and all of these things were happening to my body and I didn’t really have anyone to turn to – other than my midwife, who was great. Without her, I don’t know what I would’ve done. That’s why I do the volunteering now at the young mums’ support group. Because I never want anyone to go through the loneliness that I did.’
‘Using your negative experience to help others experience something more positive is a wonderful thing to do.’
‘Thanks,’ I said.
‘And now? I know that you speak with Ricky’s dad and they have a relationship.’
‘Yeah. When Ricky was born, his dad said we could stay in his aunt’s house which he’d been left, but I’d have to pay the bills and make it habitable.’
‘And what about your parents? Did they ever get in touch?’
‘No.’ I shook my head, fighting back the tears. ‘When he was born, I sent them photos. Even though what they did to me still hurt, I gave them my address so they knew where I was staying and said I’d love for them to visit. But they never did. I continued sending photos of Ricky every year around his birthday, hoping that they’d get in touch, but nothing, so I stopped. It’s like I’m dead to them. They don’t care about me. I can’t understand how a parent can just abandon their child like that and never give them a second thought. It wasn’t like I committed murder or some other awful crime. All I did was have a child. I just don’t understand what I did wrong.’
And there went the tears again.
Gabriel wrapped his arms around me and squeezed me tight. I continued sobbing.
I was about to try and make light of my crying, but when I looked at him, I saw that his eyes were red rimmed and watering.
Then a fat tear rolled down his cheek.
‘Gabriel?’ I frowned. ‘What’s wrong?’
I knew that sometimes when you heard someone tell a sad story, it was easy to get sucked in and for it to make you emotional too. But somehow I sensed that this wasn’t about that.
As another tear slid down his cheek, I knew for certain that they weren’t just empathy tears for me. They were personal.
It was like I’d touched a nerve. Like my story had triggered him.
‘It is not important,’ he said, wiping his cheeks. ‘We are talking about you.’
‘No,’ I said firmly. ‘We’ve finished talking about me and getting everything off my chest has made me feel so much better. If you want to talk about what’s upsetting you, I’m here.’
Gabriel’s gaze dipped to the floor and the silence stretched between us. I knew he was thinking. Wondering whether he wanted to go and open up about whatever was bothering him. I hoped that he felt comfortable enough to trust me and elaborate, but just like he’d done with me, I wouldn’t push him. It was important that he did it at his own pace.
‘I am fine, just…’ His eyes darted to the left and then right and although he said he was fine, I was sure that he was holding something back. I wanted to know what it was, but all I could do was hope that he’d tell me when he was ready. ‘It is upsetting to know that your parents did not care about your feelings. They just abandoned you when you needed them the most.’
‘Exactly. It was such a struggle for me. I know that it was my actions that led to that, but my parents could have showed some compassion and helped me, but they chose not to. That’s why I always vowed that Ricky would never have the horrible upbringing I had. I wouldn’t treat him like a slave or lock him in the house and force him to do all the chores. I told myself that he’d want for nothing. I wanted him to always be able to talk to me, no matter what.’
‘And clearly you have achieved that.’ Gabriel took my hand and squeezed it.
My heart swelled.
Maybe I had.
Maybe I was a good mum after all.
Ricky could’ve been angry or annoyed about discovering I was involved with Gabriel, but once I told him that I was happy, he was calm and understanding.
