"You okay?" Titus brushes my hair out of my face.
"I'm scared, but I don't know why."
It's probably because after this, the whole me being a mom thing is going to be very real. You would think throwing up on a daily basis and needing a nap every afternoon would have made it sink in, but it hasn't. And I'm worried that doesn't bode well for my future abilities as a parent. What does that say about me that I don't feel insanely excited or connected to the tiny human growing in my stomach? Probably nothing good. Yes, I did move to Wyoming in order to be in a place where I would be more capable of providing. But in all honesty, that move was as much for me as it was for Peanut.
I was running away. Hiding my shame.
Outside of that, I've done nothing to prepare or celebrate my child, and it has me worried. Afraid I might end up being the exact same sort of mother I had.
"Mariah?" The nurse repeats herself, this time louder, and it makes me press back deeper into my chair.
"Hey." Titus’s voice is calm, his hand steady as he turns my face toward his. "This isn't scary, remember? I promise."
I believe him, but that doesn't make me any more excited to jump up and race back there. Alone. And I know it's going to be asking a lot, but I don't think I can handle this by myself.
I swallow hard and ask, "Would you come with me?"
I know my pregnancy isn’t his problem. That the child I’m carrying has caused enough issues in his life already. But he's the only person I can imagine having with me at a time like this. The only one who would make it better.
"Of course I'll go with you." Titus stands, reaching one hand out to me. "Let's go do this."
I slide my palm into his, even more grateful he refused to let me drive myself here. I knew a big part of the reason he was willing to come out today was because of his fears surrounding what happened to Kara, but I still appreciate it. Especially since I don't know how long it's been since Titus has left the family compound. Him doing it for me feels almost monumental.
I let him help me up, sticking close to his side as we follow the nurse into a room I'm surprised to discover is more of an office than an examination space.
She motions to a set of chairs at the large table taking up most of the space. "Have a seat." She drops into another of the chairs, opening a computer on the desk in front of her. "First things first, we need to go through some questions." She gives the mouse pad a few clicks. "Get an idea of everything so we know how best to proceed."
I take a deep breath, nodding. "Okay."
For the next twenty minutes, I answer questions about my health history, my profession, my insurance, and how things have been going so far.
Not well, nurse. Not well.
The nurse seems concerned as I explain my dizziness and fainting.
"Did you go to the hospital after you passed out?"
Her question makes me shift in my seat, and I shake my head. "No. I thought I was just dehydrated, or maybe hadn't eaten enough. I figured it wasn't a big deal." I wring my hands together. "Is it a big deal?" Am I already failing my child? Right out of the gate doing things for my benefit instead of theirs?
The nurse tips her head from side to side. "Possibly?" She gives me a reassuring smile. "But it's also possible it's nothing more than a blood pressure issue exacerbated by the morning sickness you've been suffering."
She then moves on to asking me all sorts of things I don't know the answer to. Like what kind of delivery I’m hoping for. If I want an epidural or not. If I would be open to induction. I haven't thought about any of this, and I feel stupid.
It must show, because she reaches over and grabs my hand. "Don't worry if you aren't sure. You have plenty of time to figure it out."
I manage a weak nod, but can't work up the smile I would normally give her. "Okay."
After a few more questions, we're finished with this portion of the appointment, and she's leading Titus and me down the hall to an examination room. He seems to hesitate right outside the door, and I reach out to take his hand, holding tight as I walk in. It's not like there's going to be anything on display he hasn't already seen before, and I'm even more nervous about this than I was about the questions. If anything, the time in the other room made me more anxious about what's about to happen.
The nurse checks my heart rate and blood pressure, marking both down, then gives me the same directions I get at my annual visit. As she leaves, Titus adorably turns around, acting like he's reading the different posters on the wall. I peel off my pants and panties and climb up onto the table, using the paper tablecloth as a blanket.
I'm surprised at how short the wait is before the doctor’s coming in, giving me a bright smile. "Hello. How are we doing?"
I don't know how to answer that, so I give her the best I've got and say, "Okay, I think."
"It's kind of weird, right?" She rolls a computer on a cart so she can see me and the screen at the same time. "Having someone else commandeer your body?"
If I could jump off this table right now and hug Titus, I would, because I can already tell this doctor is perfect.
