And I'm tired. So fucking tired of carrying all of it all the time. Of beating myself up. Of worrying I'm not sad enough.
That's the only explanation I have for why I admit, "Because I've been to one before."
If Mariah is surprised by the revelation, she doesn't show it. Instead, she silently rounds the island, settling into the chair beside me before picking up my hand and holding it in hers. She doesn't ask any questions. Doesn't say anything at all. Just quietly waits.
And all that quiet leaves room. Too much room. Space that feels empty. And it makes me need to fill it.
"I was with the same girl all through high school. When we were twenty-one, she got pregnant." My eyes fall to where Mariah's fingers smooth over my skin, soothing me.
My next words are still painful as they work free. "And then she died."
Again, Mariah doesn't react the way I expect—the way so many people would. She doesn't say she’s sorry. She doesn't make noises of sympathy or break into tears that I would be responsible for managing.
Instead, she scoots closer, bringing her body all the way into my space. It's not sympathy. It's not pity. It's not even sadness that I feel radiating from her.
It’s support. Understanding. The exact same things I want togive her, mirrored back at me. And like the greedy bastard I am, I take it.
Reaching for her, I scoop Mariah out of her chair and deposit her directly in my lap, grateful for my mother's love of generously sized barstools as I pull her close. I lift one foot to the seat of her chair so I can angle her closer with a raised knee. And she comes easily. Curling her body up against my chest and letting her head fall to my shoulder.
Everything is quiet for a minute. But this time that space I felt earlier is filled with something comfortable I can’t explain. And still I can't stop myself from telling her the story I haven't fully explained to another soul. Not my brothers. Not my parents. It was too much. Too painful.
But here now, in the quiet of my once empty house, I offer it to Mariah.
"Kara was halfway through her pregnancy. She’d had a difficult time.” I tuck Mariah closer. “She had issues with nausea like you have. She had to have IV fluids a couple times because she got so dehydrated. That’s why I try to make sure you drink enough.”
I pull in a deep breath, trying to steady myself as I reach the part of the story I still have nightmares about. “We were on our way to the ultrasound appointment.” I swallow hard, unsure if I can go on. But then I take another deep breath, closing my eyes as I let the scent of Mariah’s skin soothe me. "We were deciding whether or not to find out if the baby was a girl or boy, and I noticed she didn't look quite right. I thought she was about to be sick, so I reached into the back seat looking for a bag or something she could throw up in. We always had them back there because it happened so regularly. It never occurred to me that it could be something else."
My hands flex against Mariah's body as fear from then and now drives a need to pull her tighter to me. "But instead of being sick, she lost consciousness. The weight of her leg pressed down on the gas and we picked up speed as the car went off the road." I bury my nose in Mariah's sunshine colored hair as I try tobreathe through the pain. "I was stuck between the seats, and by the time I could reach the wheel, it was too late. We hit a tree and I was knocked unconscious. A group of people who witnessed the crash pulled me out, but they couldn't get to Kara."
I swallow hard before admitting the part of this I will never be able to move past. "When I came to, I went back and tried to pull her out…” Fuck this is hard. So painful it’s hard to breathe as I continue. “But the car had caught fire, and her belt was stuck."
One of Mariah’s hands slides up to my face, resting against the scarred skin of my right cheek. Like she has since the story started, she stays silent, but I know she's putting the pieces together. Assembling the broken bits she's found and fitting them together.
"I would've stayed in the car, but they pulled me back out." I’m quiet for a minute, caught in the past. "For a long time I wished they'd left me in there."
It’s something I’ve never admitted to anyone. That for years I wished I was dead. Went through the motions of existing because I didn't have another option. The choice was taken from me by people who thought they were doing the right thing. People I resented for a very long time.
I don't know when that resentment stopped, but it did. And I don't know what to do with that. I haven't wanted to have a life in so long, I don't think I know how to have one. All the more reason I have no business trying to be anything more than helpful to Mariah. She deserves someone who can live with purpose and intent.
Not someone who lost himself a long time ago.
The story finished, I don't know what else to say. Don't know what else to do. So I just sit here. Holding her. Letting her presence keep me grounded. Letting her warmth melt the chill of pain and loss I thought froze me over from the inside out.
I don't know how much time passes. It could be minutes. It could be an hour. It's long enough I'm startled when Mariah finally speaks.
"Did you everfind out?"
"Find out what?" My voice is hoarse and rough from fighting through the worst moment of my life.
"Your baby with Kara." Mariah tips her head back, eyes coming to my face. "Were you able to find out if it was a girl or boy?"
I don't know how I take my next breath. It doesn't feel possible to pull air into my chest. "The medical examiner wrote it down for me. Put it in an envelope because I couldn't decide." It was the last decision Kara and I made about our child, and I couldn't bring myself to find out on my own. The envelope is locked away, safe—the way I couldn't keep Kara and our child.
Mariah continues looking up at me, one hand coming to rest right over my aching heart. "Did you pick out names?"
My nod is jerky, and my words are broken when I say, "Elizabeth if it was a girl and Ethan if it was a boy."
Mariah’s lips curve in a soft smile. "Were you going to use all E names for your kids?"
