I know I can't control everything, but I try. It’s the only thing that keeps me putting one foot in front of the other.
"I think Dr. Bledsoe is the best choice." I take a deep breath,prepared to explain to Mariah that not only does Dr. Bledsoe complete additional training at a pace that is twice what her peers do, she also has a warm and compassionate bedside manner, which I think will suit Mariah better than someone more clinical and detached.
But Mariah doesn't give me the chance.
"Okay. That's who I pick." She takes a deep breath, blowing it back out. “I guess now all I have to do is call to make the appointment, huh?”
I’ve tried to act like nothing has changed between us—since that’s what she seems to be doing—but I don't like the look on her face right now. Like she thinks she's on her own in this. Like the weight of all that’s to come is resting on her shoulders alone.
I move closer, unable to stay away. Incapable of letting her think she's got no one.
Because right or wrong, she's got me.
Bringing my hands to her face, I lean down until our eyes meet. "What's wrong?" I want to know what she's thinking. I want to hear her voice all the fears she has, so I can tell her what I'm thinking. How I'm feeling. I won't lay it at her feet unprompted, but if she gives me an opening, I'm going to take it.
Mariah gives me a wobbly smile, one so different from the wide expression I'm starting to learn is a reflex and not a genuine reaction. "It's just a lot." She leans into my touch. "I thought I was smarter than this. That I'd learned my lesson and would make better choices. But now, I'm alone and pregnant and?—"
"You're not alone." I stroke my thumbs over the soft skin of her cheeks. "Never alone."
When Mariah walked into my house four weeks ago, I thought it was the end of the world. Believed I wanted her to walk right back out again. But now…
Now I would do anything to make her stay.
I never intended to be in this position again. Never planned to let myself have something to lose. And I know Mariah’s not mine, but if she left, I would sure as hell be lost.
"I'm sorry I didn't tell you when I first got here." Mariah's eyes are pleading as they move over my face. "I was just so afraid you would send me back to Montana, and this job was so perfect, and?—”
"You're not going back to Montana." I don't know why the words are so sharp when I say them. "You're staying here. In Wyoming." I try to stop myself from saying more, but fail. "With me."
Mariah's smile brightens the tiniest bit. "Are you sure you won't mind having a baby here crying all night?"
“I have soundproof rooms, remember?" Not that I intend to close my door once Mariah has the baby. "And no, I won't mind."
If I'm honest, a tiny part of me has longed for it. Held onto what could have been. Imagined what it would have been like if I'd been able to save Kara and our baby that day.
That same little part of me wonders if this might be my chance to find out.
But the rest of me wonders if it would be a betrayal. If I’d be only using Mariah as a substitute. One that would cheapen what Kara and I had. Would that be fair to her memory?
Fair to Mariah?
My hands slide from her face and I take a step back, torn between the two parts of me. "You should make the call now. Hopefully they can get you in soon."
Mariah winces. "Yeah. I know I should have done this weeks ago, but facing reality is a bitch."
She can say that again.
I force myself around the island and into one of the stools as she pulls out her cell phone and dials the number listed on my tablet. As it rings, she worries her lower lip between her teeth, and I fight the urge to reach for her and pull it free.
I don't want her to be afraid. I don't want her to be overwhelmed. There's no reason for it. Not when I can help.
I listen as she talks to the receptionist, and I'm pleasantly surprised when they seem to have an opening relatively soon.Mariah takes the appointment, looking a little pale after she hangs up, and adds it to the calendar on her phone.
"You look nervous." I want to reassure her. To help her over this hump. "But there's nothing to be nervous about. It's a pretty basic appointment. They’ll ask a bunch of questions and check your vitals. Take a quick look inside. Then schedule an appointment for you to come back the next month."
Mariah studies me as she slowly lowers her phone to the counter. "How do you know all that?"
I swallow hard, fighting with myself over so many things. What was. What is. What could be. What might've been.
