“Amongst other classics, like did I agree that I should vote for the party he was, because he would be the one to know best.” She made a growl of frustration. “Why is it so hard to find a decent bloke to have dinner with? I’m not looking for a husband or someone to finance my shopping habit, just a man with a good sense of humour, ideas that aren’t downloaded from the manosphere, and half a clue where the clitoris is located.”
“You’re asking for a bit much.”
“Yeah. It seems.” She looked at my phone which was vibrating on the table. “Are you going to answer that?”
Carter’s name and photo were flashing up on the screen. This was the first time he’d called me for a few days. He’d followed up each unanswered call with a text, nothing heavy, just hoping I was okay and could we speak soon. I’d left them all on read.
“No. Not yet.”
“Why not?”
“I’m not ready to hear what he has to say because I know I’m not going to like it.”
“Fallon doesn’t think he’s in a relationship with Laurie.” Erin scooped up a slither of avocado from her plate.
“Fallon is not God and she doesn’t know everything.”
“But she’s actually spoken to him and you’ve not. This bread’s nice, what is it?”
“Sourdough from the deli round the corner. She was wearing his hoodie.” That was my sticking point right now.
“Have you never worn Carter’s hoodie – or my hoodie. You wore my favourite retro My Little Pony hoodie and never gave it back actually. I’d forgotten about that. Do you want another tea?” Erin stood up and took our plates over to the dishwasher.
“No, but I’ll have an orange juice. There’s a jug of freshly squeezed stuff in the fridge.” I tried to remember wearing Carter’s hoodie and came up with a succession of memories when I’d borrowed his clothes, including when I was thirteen and he’d soaked me in a water fight in his garden.
“The hoodie doesn’t mean anything. I’m starting to feel sorry for him. I think you need to give him the chance to talk to you.” She wasn’t letting this go. “And stop avoiding him. Harriet said you’ve changed where you’re getting lunch so you’ve got no chance of bumping into him.”
I had done that. My favourite sandwich shop was just round the corner from my hospital and I’d gone there almost every shift since I’d started working there, if I’d managed to get a break. If there was an emergency, the team knew where to find me. Even patients knew where to find me. Carter definitely did.
So I’d changed my routine and visited a little café that was new and just as nice and hid in there instead. Self-preservation. Whatever Carter had to say wasn’t going to be good and I didn’t want to hear what it was in public. Nor did I want to see him unexpectedly because there was every chance that I’d want a reenactment of that kiss.
“I will speak to him.” I was getting to the point where I felt prepared for whatever he had to say.
“You know this has all been about power?”
I turned my head to stare at her. “What do you mean?”
“You’re the psychologist, so it should be you telling me.” She sat back down, plonking glasses of orange juice in front of both of us.
“No, you go ahead. Practice your amateur head shrinking skills.” I gave her my most faux-encouraging smile.
“You’ve liked Carter for years. We all know that. I mean, we all had crushes on him because he was a teenage dream, but none of us would have ever tried it on, even Fallon.”
“Why not?”
“Because he was yours. You two had this special bond because of the house and you knew him first, and he was never the same with us as he was with you. He felt a bit big brotherish or even friends-of-my-girlfriend kind of connection. But that’s not my point. He has information that you don’t; so you see him as having power. For the first time in forever, you’re both single, so you have more at risk, but him having this information – that he’s been trying to give you – is stopping you from predicting what’s going to happen, and that’s what you always need to be able to do to feel secure.” Erin sat back and folded her arms. “I don’t think I’m far off.”
I thought for a moment, not reacting to her gloating.
“I don’t think you are, but there’s more than one thing at stake. He knows something that I don’t, so yes he has power, but I think it’s more than the fallout of whatever that is that’s bothering me and has done since he moved back and that is that we’re both single. There’s no reason for us not to. We’re not kids anymore, I’m not seeing anyone -there’s whatever this thing is with Laurie.” I looked out of the window at the view over the Thames and wondered if I’d ever live somewhere I couldn’t see this on a regular basis, which I might have to do if I couldn’t manage seeing Carter every day or week or whatever.
“That’s why you’re the psychologist.”
“That wasn’t psychology. That was just me trying to put my big girl pants on.” I took a drink of the orange juice. “I’ll call Carter later.”
“Good. About time. And aren’t you at the bookshop opening on Saturday?” Erin downed the rest of her drink.
“I am. Which might be weird.”
