We went through the appointment. I offered as much reassurance as I could, talked him through the bits of the operation he needed to know about and that he was doing the right thing, having it now and not waiting.
He was lucky he had the choice not to wait.
CHAPTER 12
Rose
Carter: Please give me a call when you can, just so I know you’re alive X
Carter: Let me know when you can meet me and I can explain X
Carter: I saw a copy of that book you lent me when we first met – The Final Year. Do you remember it? X
Carter: Fallon accosted me today. She doesn’t look great. Is she looking after herself? X
Ihadn’t responded to any of them. I’d taken note of what he’d said about Fallon, which concurred with what I’d noticed. She’d gone to bed really early f when we were in Stratford and had fallen asleep in the car on the way back. Fallon was brave and strong and fierce and the person who made me do the thing I was too scared to do, but I’d seen her vulnerable. Once, in our early twenties, she’d had an episode with her heart, passing out on the floor in my student accommodation. It had been just after two in the morning and no one else was about. I hadn’tpanicked, managing to keep a clear head and go into operational mode, phoning nine nine nine and following what the caller had said to do. She’d not let me tell anyone about it, apart from Carter. He’d been in Edinburgh at the time, but he’d come home the following weekend and slept on my floor, just being around which had always made me happy, and he met with Fallon. I’d no idea what they’d talked about, neither of them had ever said.
I’d gone over the night he slept on the floor, a mattress made out of cushions and pillows and bean bags. My bed had only been a single, and I’d offered to sleep tops and tails, but I didn’t want his feet in my face because I did have some standards, although my latest boyfriend had made that questionable.
It had been strange, lying in bed, awake and not able to sleep, hearing Carter stirring on the mound of stuffed polyester. The room felt even smaller than it was, and my body felt too hot and awake, no position comfy. It would’ve been strange if he’d been in bed with me, and my head spent a lot of time thinking about it, how it would be with him lying next to me, his skin close to mine.
“I can hear you thinking.” His words had broken the night.
“As long as you can’t hear exactly what I’m thinking.”
“Why?” He’d paused. “Is it about me?”
I’d let silence fill the gap. I couldn’t lie, but if I’d said yes, what would’ve happened?
“Rose, are you thinking about me?” I’d heard him turn over.
“Maybe.” It wasn’t the strongest of answers. “What were you thinking about?”
“You.” He didn’t miss a beat.
“Why are you thinking about me?”
“Because. I do think about you sometimes.”
“Oh.”
“Have you finished with that boyfriend yet?”
“No. Not yet.” I wasn’t sure what else to say. I knew Carter wasn’t keen on him but Carter wasn’t the one going out with him.
He sighed, irritated. I heard him turn over again and nothing else was said.
Carter hadn’t been seeing anyone at the time. It was about nine months before he did his first stint in America, and a couple of weeks after he’d stayed over, he’d applied for the post.
Now I wondered if there was more to that night, all the things we didn’t say under that cloak of darkness in a small dorm room when I was doing my masters.
Me: I’m okay. I’m keeping an eye on Fallon. She’s been tired.
I didn’t put a kiss, my one act of rebellion. I also didn’t respond to his request to speak. That cloak of darkness could stay silent for a little longer.
“So I told him that another date wasn’t on the cards.” Erin bit into a slice of avocado on toast, made by me, without chilli flakes because they were two years out of date and tasted like cardboard. I really needed to go through my cupboards and have a clear out because at the moment there was a risk I could poison any guests.
“He really said that he was looking for a wife who’d give up work?” I didn’t know why I was surprised. I’d been on enough dodgy dates to have heard most things, including commentsabout my weight, hair colour and why I should only wear contact lenses because my glasses made me look like a librarian, which I actually liked.
