Which was true. The women I’d fucked had all hinted at wanting to offer me something more, but it hadn’t ever flattered my ego. I didn’t want them to ask for more, because I didn’t want anything else from them, except that release expelled within tight boundaries.
That wasn’t the point Jane was making.
“Did you want more from Jerrica?”
More water. I’d nearly finished what was in the jug.
“I — don’t know.” I did know. I’d found four excuses to be at Nate’s house this week and then five excuses not to go. I’d composed a dozen messages to send to her and deleted every one. When I’d seen her, she’d smiled at me just like she did every time and when she walked away, I’d stared at her ass and I remembered every inch of her skin that I’d memorised, every curve a verse in a poem I could recite by heart.
Jane smiled. “You’ve drunk a lot today.”
We both knew why. It was my go-to when I was edgy.
“I wanted her to want more. I thought she wanted more.”
“Do you think she took you at your word then? Respected your boundaries that what you had was just for while you were away from home?” Jane picked up a fidget toy and twirled it slowly.
“Yes. Or maybe she’d had enough and she wasn’t that into the sex. I mean, I think it was more than sex, but we didn’t label it or anything.”
“You could ask her. She knows about your childhood and you seem to think she accepts how you are because of it. Would it be something to consider? Asking her how she feels?”
“But that would make me vulnerable.”
“Is that such a bad thing to be?”
I put down my glass. “Apologies. I need to use the bathroom.”
I left Jane’s room, heading to the small bathroom next door, taking a piss I only needed because I’d drunk more in our session so far than I usually did in a whole game on the pitch. And I’d done it for a reason. No one argued when you needed to piss; it was the greatest get-out clause.
Jane would completely call me out for it in our next session.
I washed my hands and headed back in, aware that we only had five minutes left now. Settling back down, the jug now full again with Jane’s truth serum, I avoided looking at my therapist.
“You are the person in control of what you do. You can’t control how someone else feels or their actions. Even with a safe word.” Her words were firm. “But you can be curious. Be curious, Jesse. Even about yourself.”
“We’re done for today.” I stood up.
She gave me her slight nod. “We’re done. I’ll see you Thursday. How are you getting home?”
“Nicky’s giving me a lift.”
She raised her brows. “Thursday. Make it work for you.”
Nicky was grinning like a he’d discovered something very pleasurable for the very first time, which I figured he had. Boy had found himself a girlfriend while I was away, and she’d clearly made a man of him.
“What do you get a woman to, you know, make them feel special?” He started to reverse his car out of the worst parking space he could’ve picked before I’d even put my seatbelt on.
“I’m probably not the right person to ask.”
A wall was narrowly avoided. “Fuck, true. You don’t do relationships. I forgot.”
“I’m not sure that you do driving. Have you passed your test?”
He laughed, which was Nicky’s usual response to everything. He was the best natured person I’d probably ever met, and whatever baggage he should’ve been carrying because his childhood hadn’t been filled with cake and roses either, he’d left it somewhere it couldn’t do any harm.
“First time.” He managed not to scratch his car or dent anyone else’s, which was more of a miracle than Nate scoring a goal. “Seriously, what should I get Kitty?”
“Why are you getting her something?”
