I knew this was one of her methods, making me think it out for myself rather than rely on her putting words in my mouth or me disagreeing for the sake of it.
“I didn’t think I’d feel like that. I didn’t think I would ever want to hold someone like I held her afterwards and not want it to end as soon as possible.” I poured the water, maybe sooner than usual. “I didn’t think I’d take whatever scraps she’d give me.”
“Is that all she gave you? Scraps?”
“No. They weren’t scraps at all.”
“So what do you mean by scraps?”
“Any bit of her attention. We had to share a room, because the people who own the chateau had fucked up. I was cross, or at least I pretended to be, because I didn’t want her to think I wanted to share with her, you know. It was only really going to lead to one thing.”
“Or did you pretend to be cross so you got the first jab in? So she couldn’t be the one to protest and push you away?”
That was the knowledge I didn’t know how to handle.
“Not every person will treat me like an afterthought.” I took a mouthful of water. I was fucking sure Jane put truth serum in it. “They’re not my mother.”
Jane nodded briefly. “They’re not.”
“Jerrica didn’t treat me like an afterthought. She hasn’t done since I’ve known her. But she’s like that with everyone. She’s kind to everyone.” Even Jude. She was even nice to Jude.
“What’s your question, Jesse?”
“She’s probably no kinder to me than anyone else.”
“Do you really think that? Or is that little boy Jesse who’s talking? You know, that child who was never special?”
“She agreed to be my driver.”
“You paid her well. Which tells you what?”
I groaned. “I didn’t want her to turn it down.”
“So you wanted to spend time with her. But on your terms, maybe? She wanted to spend time with you before that, didn’t she? Or am I getting confused?”
She knew damn well she wasn’t getting confused. “She wanted us to be something I didn’t think we could.”
“And you lost your licence driving away. Go back to that night. What did you feel? Were you in control?”
“No. That was why I left.”
“What changed while you were in France? Tell me about what was different.”
I finished the water in my glass and topped it up. “We were in France. We agreed that it was just for while we were there.”
“You set a clear boundary.”
“Yes.” Another sip of water. “I didn’t want to hurt her by suddenly ending it when we got back home.”
“Do you think you’ve hurt her?”
I shook my head. “No. I’ve seen her a few times, at her brother’s, but I haven’t asked her to drive me anywhere yet. She’s the same with me as she was before we left for France.”
“Does that bother you? Did you want her to ask to carry it on, despite you setting a boundary?”
The glass felt warm in my hand now, I’d been holding it for so long. “No. No — I don’t think so.”
“We all have an ego, Jesse. You once told me you knew that the women you made your arrangements with would take more from you in a heartbeat if you offered it.”
