“Sure.” I ignored his annoyance and gave him the address, trying not to think about what he’d make of my little semi-detached with its two and a half bedrooms and drive that you could just about squeeze one car onto.
I’d been lucky; my grandparents had helped me out with a deposit to buy it, and since then the house had increased in value. My plan had been to move this year to something a bit bigger, in a nicer area. Now that nicer area included one with good schools.
I was well aware that my house could probably fit into a corner of Nate’s garden.
We drove in silence for fifteen minutes or so, the air thick. I tried to ignore it, knowing full well I’d pissed him off with my query about how he wanted to be involved.
“Out of interest, how do you think I want to be involved, Amber?” He was clutching the steering wheel with a lot of grip.
I looked out of the window rather than at him. “My guesses have ranged from you wanting to share the parenting equally, to birthdays and Christmas, but my head’s been all over the show.” I turned to look at him now and saw his jaw clenched hard. “I’ve had weeks to get my head around this; you’ve had minutes. You have your girls to think about. What we do have is time and I’d rather have a stable plan than something based on reactions. If you turn left here, it’s–”
“Humour me. Please come back to mine for a drink – tea or something. Please, humour me.” He swung right, away from the direction of where I lived.
I wasn’t tired. Adrenaline had kicked into my system when he’d turned up and I was still wired. At some point I’d crash, but I wasn’t working tomorrow so I could spend the day relaxing, maybe go for a swim or binge read a couple of books.
“Where are your girls?” I wasn’t ready to be introduced. Not yet. I needed to work through all the ways that would go in my head, including one of them telling me that I’d never be their mummy, before that could happen, and even then, it would be brief.
“With my parents at their house in Knossington. It’s half term, so they sorted them going there for a week. My sister will be around somewhere, but she’ll give us space.” His hands relaxed their grip of the steering wheel. “My sister knows. I told her last night after I found out. No one else has a clue.”
“Can we keep it that way for a few more weeks? At least until I’m twelve weeks gone.” Because I needed to work out how I let James know, and The Count, and how I – we – explained it all.
“Sure. We can work out things like that after the first scan.” He made a couple of turns, heading towards a dual carriageway, driving cautiously.
I wondered if he always drove like this, or whether it was because I was in the car. A few of the team drove like they thought they were Formula One drivers, especially Jesse, but Nate was the opposite.
“I need to remember you’ve done this before.”
I saw him nod. “Twice. I’m not just going to leave you to get through everything on your own, Amber. I want to be there and be part of it, for my sake and to help you, if you let me.”
There was the fear. He was worried I would cut him out of this.
I chose my words carefully. “I’d like that.”
“Good.”
Five minutes later and we pulled up outside a set of electric gates, a tall brick wall enclosing whatever was inside. Nate waited for a few seconds and the gates automatically opened up exposing a huge decorative drive, illuminated by subtle lighting.
A big, double fronted house was set back from the road, a couple of the windows lit up. Two bay trees guarded either side of the front door, and a wreath made out of hearts, clearly homemade, was fastened above the knocker.
“Did your girls make this?” I pointed at the wreathe as Nate put the key in the lock. “It’s cute.”
“They did. Jerrica, my sister, helped them with it before they went down to our parents. Libbie was worried I’d be lonely on Valentine’s.” His smile was wry. “I thought I’d be lonely on Valentine’s Day. I didn’t plan for this.”
He opened the door and held it open for me, which let me nosy inside his home. I felt awkward – this was the place he’d shared with Chan, their family home which they’d built together, although I knew he was moving soon.
I wasn’t sure I wanted to be here.
“You okay?”
I didn’t realise I’d stopped in the middle of the hall until he spoke.
I shook my head. “No. It feels weird being here. I feel guilty.”
He nodded. “I get it. I feel that way too. Can you manage a cup of tea, then I’ll take you home?”
“Sure.” I followed him through the kitchen. There was no sign of his sister, which I was thankful for.
I knew we had things to talk about, but we did have some time, and this all felt so very fucking new.
