“Maybe I’m just not meant to be a father.” That was the crux of what was bothering me: that I was too much like him, and by not having kids, I wouldn’t be able to damage them.
“Maybe you’re not, son.” He shrugged. “Or maybe you’re just being fucking melodramatic. There’s no reason why she can’t get pregnant so just give it time, and remember that it might not take as long with your second. We learnt that with Ava.”
I looked at him and squinted. “Ava was a surprise?”
“She was to me. No idea whether she was to Marie or not.” He paused. “Do you remember the speech you gave at our wedding?”
“The one Marie made me give?”
“That one.”
“Vaguely.” I did. I remembered it in every horrific detail. I’d found a book on wedding speeches and taken the lines I’d thought sounded most grown up and read them out in a very sincere voice.
My dad chuckled. “I think you were the reason Marie agreed to marry me. She tore a strip out of me one night, saying I’d made you grow up too quick and that she didn’t like me enough to stay here, but she wasn’t going to abandon you.”
My dad became lost in the memory.
“But she calmed down. She’s never lost that temper. It works well for making up.”
“Bleach my brain with that image. Don’t tell me anymore.”
He laughed and started walking towards the house.
“You know you smell of cigars?”
“I’ll just tell her it was you.”
“She won’t believe that. She isn’t an idiot, even if she did stay here with us.”
“Marie knows damn well I come down here for a cigar once a week or so. She pretends not to notice just like I pretend not to notice the deliveries she gets every day.” He stopped before we got to the door, snow starting to fall again. “You’ll be a much better father than I was with you. And it will happen, Maxwell, just give it time.”
I took a long, deep gulp of breath. “I think I want a baby more than Vic does some days.”
It was a confession I needed to get off my chest.
“Maybe, son. Maybe not. I don’t think you can compare it; you just deal with things in different ways. You’re very driven and focused and when you don’t get something straight away, it eats up at you. Take a step back and enjoy a longer ride. Maybe quite literally. Enjoy being a couple for a while longer, because having kids changes everything.”
I decided not to think too much about what my dad had just said, mainly because I figured he was telling me to enjoy having sex and that was too much for my brain to compute.
Seph chose that moment to blast through the doors, knocking straight into me.
“Where’s the fire?”
He stopped, laughed, shook his head and then legged it down the garden with no shoes on. Three seconds later and there was a yell from Shay.
I shook my head and decided not to get involved; food sounded like a much better idea.
11
A pair of Louboutin’s – from Maxwell to Victoria
Ava
Eli foundme in the village baker’s, deciding between a warm apple pie or a strawberry tart. The decision seemed a key one, as if the rest of my life would depend on the level of enjoyment I received from my choice. Sweeter strawberries with the cool custard or the tart and heat from the apples inside the crisp pastry.
“Why don’t you get both? Eat the apple pie now and save the strawberry one for before breakfast tomorrow.”
The voice was rich and deep, having the same effect on me as it had from the start.
