It’s me who wants more, asks. Needs. For a moment I get it, feeling Ben’s hunger, his kiss so different than the delicateness of Blair’s.
But it’s me who pulls back. My cock is hard already, muscle memory is strong and my body is hopeful that it will get to rehash the euphoria it was used to. Yet I feel Blair’s eyes on me when I close mine.
“We need to tell her.”
Ben backs away. “Okay. But it has to be kept quiet and I still think I’m better off here.”
“If Micky knows then others will do too. You’re safer in plain sight at the castle.”
“You still don’t trust Micky.”
I shake my head. “I don’t trust anyone apart from you and her.”
“I promise you, you can trust Micky.” Ben sounds so completely certain. He bites his lip and closes his eyes, thinking.
“She thinks she saw you in Edinburgh.” I have the urge to tell him everything. To confess whatever there is that needs to be said.
Clear the air.
“She did. And you saw me at Paden’s burial. I saw you with her.”
“Were you jealous?” Because I would’ve been if I had been watching him with her and I couldn’t touch. Jealous of both of them.
“Yes. And no.” His back is to the wall now and we’re silent.
There’s an unspoken presence in the room and it’s her.
“What do we do?”
It’s then that a shard of light flickers through the darkness. The sound of a door creaking answers and I know that we’ll never be able to answer that question about what we should do, because the answer’s been given to us.
Blair
My heart races. I don’t think it’s ever beat this fast. I don’t know if it can beat this fast without exploding and that’s how I feel now: like exploding.
Isaac is there with Ben. I watched them touch each other. I watched them kiss and talk and murmur words that I couldn’t hear. The water on my face isn’t rain anymore. It’s tears that are slowly falling from my eyes and I can’t stop them. I don’t want to.
“When were you going to tell me you weren’t dead?” My eyes stay fixed on Ben and he doesn’t move.
“Maybe I wasn’t.” His voice is calm and still and low. He doesn’t lift his eyes from me but there’s something that he’s covering, not letting me see how he feels and it’s as if we’ve gone back months when it was just about fucking.
I lift my chin and try to stop the tears. I won’t lose this battle.
“You seem to like disappearing on me.” My words sound calmer than I feel. They sound like they come from a woman who knows who she is and what she wants. Not from someone who’s about to fall apart.
“I promised to keep you safe.”
I move towards him. My hands are clutched into fists.
“I can keep my own self fucking safe, Benjamin Smith, everything apart from one fucking piece of me.” I turn round and look at Isaac, standing in an opposite corner, watching as he always does. “You lied. You let me believe he could be dead.”
“I’m sorry.” His apology is too simple and polished. Rehearsed. They knew this. They know what this would do to me, how it would fucking ruin me from the inside.
“He had to, Blair.”
I turn around to Ben. “Why? Didn’t you think I could keep a secret? I’ve been keeping secrets all my life – it’s something I’m well-fucking-versed in; how to lie. Which reasons did you give yourselves for it? To keep me safe? To stop my heart from breaking when you went away again? Because I was better with Isaac?”
I look back at Isaac.
