“And you probably think it’s dirty and strange and unnatural…”
“I think you make him happy. Isaac has never been conventional. He’s had lovers and I know he visits places where he can explore what turns him on, but he’s never been in love before. Please don’t end things with him.”
I would’ve done almost anything for my brother to stop him from being hurt. In the end, I could do nothing.
“I’m upset with him. I don’t know why he would keep this, because I’ve had months of misery thinking that Ben’s dead. Has he always known, Ivy?” My heart is thudding. It’s going to come out of my chest and I feel sick.
“I don’t know.” She looks afraid.
“Are they wanting to keep me out of their relationship?” I’m going to be sick. Right here. I feel my throat contract and my stomach heaves but I choke it back.
“No. God no. Let Isaac explain. Just please don’t break his heart…”
I don’t hear the rest of it. I’m leaving the room and heading down the hallway, grabbing the keys to the SUV and the outside hits me with its bracing March wind.
Rain starts as I put the car into gear, the clouds losing their patience with the rain they’ve been holding and letting it drop, my wipers going into overload.
I won’t remember the drive later. The turns of the roads that become single tracks as they weave through the forests. Deer scatter. The rain peters off as the trees shelter me and I try to recall exactly how to get to the cabin without being on foot. The last time I was here I wasn’t old enough to drive. The last time I was here I was spying on Ben, worried he was fucking Elise.
It’s Isaac’s car that makes me curse. Tears prick at my eyes even though I thought there were no more that could be shed after the last few days, but I’m wrong.
Wrong about a lot of things.
I leave my car a few metres away from his, not bothering to lock it because I want to get there, see if Ben’s actually inside the cabin. See if he’s alive, if Isaac always knew, what they’re doing.
It feels like I’m being cheated on and that both of them have ripped out my heart and are feeding it to an array of beasts with sharp teeth. Tearing it apart.
The windows are dirty and barely transparent. A trail of smoke rises from the chimney, signs of life. Signs of someone trying to stay warm. Rain soaks me, but I don’t feel it. The cold doesn’t matter because I’m numb and nauseous and hurting in ways that the weather won’t change.
I can see through the window, just about. Isaac is there, his dark swarthiness making him look like a Hollywood star and that’s how the media have portrayed him: the hero to save us all. Ben has his hands on Isaac’s shoulders, his blond hair thick and the longest I’ve ever seen it. His usual scruff is now a beard and Isaac’s hand is resting on it, holding Ben’s chin tenderly, like he’s held me.
The noise I hear is my heart breaking.
I don’t know what are tears on my face and what is the rain. And it doesn’t matter.
Nothing matters.
Ben’s alive and I don’t know if I want him to be anymore.
Isaac
“Is she alright?”
His first words are always about Blair. Mine would always be about her too.
“She was fine when I left. Her first appointment is tomorrow.”
He nods. “That’s too soon.”
“Maybe. But she knows her own mind.” I pause. Wait. “Micky knows. He knows where you are. I don’t know whether we can trust him, but he wants you to come back to the castle.’ My hands are on him because it’s been too long since I felt him.
“You can trust Micky.” There’s no doubt in his words.
“He knows everything.”
Ben nods. “And always has.”
He’s touching me. Holding my arms and then pressing his forehead to mine. The first kiss is sweet, his mouth soft and undemanding. Tasting.
