Who took him.
Because that’s the bit we don’t want to acknowledge, that actually Ben might be dead.
I stare out of the window at the loch and breathe. Or at least I try to.
“We can’t carry on like this.”
Micky shakes his head. “You’re going to have to. Once you’re crowned it will settle down.”
“If I’m crowned.”
“I’m not going to let anything fucking happen to you.” His words are soft.
“That’s not what I mean.”
He gives one solid nod. “Then abdicate from the succession now. Throw the carcass out for the crows to fight over.”
“That isn’t what I mean.” I stand up and head to the window.
I’ve been studying constitutional law. The nights are painful without Ben or Isaac and I have to be distracted by something, so I've taken to learning about my country with its political intricacies and nuances.
“You have a plan?”
“I always have a plan. And I know my own mind.”
“Just like your brother.”
The words sting although they’re not meant to.
“I’m going to go for a ride. I’ll be a couple of hours. The usual route.”
Micky doesn’t respond apart from one of his nods. He knows I won’t stray from the tracks and routes that are secure enough for me to be out on my own without a guard. I won’t put anyone else in danger and I don’t want to cause the worry that there will be if I ever disappear.
I know the pain too well.
I’m at the stables sorting out my mount when my phone rings and I see Elise’s name flash across the screen.
She’s still being seen with Goldsmith, but she’s coy about what’s actually happening between them. My long-term friend isn’t a friend anymore but one of the vultures that hides under styled hair and a pretty smile and there are plenty of them.
I answer the phone and hear her laughter; she’s with someone and I know my purpose here is so she can show off that she has my personal number.
And I’m at her beck and call.
“Blair, I’m so glad I’ve caught you. I know you’re hugely busy.” Her accent is becoming less Scottish by the day it seems.
“Just about to go for a ride.”
“Perfect! It’s good you’ve got some time off. How’s your dad?”
“Comfortable.” It’s the standard response and the truth. His care team have been almost miracle workers, keeping pain at bay as best they can and buying us precious time, and that time is the reason I’m not opening schools and hospitals and I’ve left my father’s advisors to maintain the status quo in parliament as best they can, because I need to be here. This is where I’m most important. Tomorrow and tomorrow and tomorrow there will be time for every other battle to be fought, but now is for him.
“How do you feel about a night out in Edinburgh? A get together with a few friends of mine that I don’t think you’ve met before? Although William would be there too, and I know you’ve met him plenty of times!”
I walk into the shower block where the walls are too thick for any phone to be useful.
“I’m sorry, Elise, the signal’s getting bad. I’ll have to call you back.” And I hang up.
For a second or two, I lean back against the wall of the stable, knowing what judgement she’ll be passing and not knowing who to.
