"All good." I run my hand through my wind-tangled hair, trying desperately to find the words. "The kids are something else. Caleb is incredible. The way his whole face lights up when he talks about dinosaurs, like nothing else in the world matters. And when he grabbed my hand to see the motorcycle, he didn't even hesitate. He just took myhand like it was the most natural thing in the world, like he wasn't afraid of me at all. He's fearless."
"He's like that with everyone he likes." Ivan laughs. "No filter, no holding back. What you see is what you get."
"And the twins. I know they were sizing me up at first, being cautious. But by the end they let me in. They didn't have to, but they seemed to accept me."
"They liked you. I told you they would."
"And Rosalyn." I stop pacing, standing in the middle of the dingy room. "She's amazing. The way she looks at all of you like she thinks you hung the moon. The way she checked me out while trying to decide whether I was good enough for you."
"What did you think of her verdict?"
"She didn't kick me out, so that's something. She didn't tell me to stay away from you." I let out a laugh. "I know this is going to sound crazy and maybe even childish, but I need to say it. I want what I felt today. I want to be part of your family."
"Are you sure? We're pure chaos most of the time."
"I'm absolutely sure. I want all of it. Everything." The words come tumbling out faster now. "The family dinners and the birthday parties. I want to help Rosalyn with things when Mitchell is on the road. I want to be someone they can all count on. Like you are. I didn't know families like yours existed for people like me."
"Jay..."
"I spent my whole life thinking family was something other people had. Something I wasn't meant for. And then when I was sitting at that table today and the kids were talking over each other trying to ask me questions, I realized this is what I've been missing. I want to be someone's family. Not just yours. I want to be part of all of it. I want those kids to think of me as their big brother, too. I'll do anything I need to do to deserve it."
"You already deserve it. I keep telling you that."
"I'm done with taking baby steps," I say. "I know we made a plan, and the plan was smart and reasonable and the right thing to do. And I'm not saying we should throw it all out completely. But I don't want to wait ayear. I don't want to spend another six months alone in this motel room, hours away from all of you."
"What are you saying?"
"I'm all in. Completely, totally, all in. I'm ready to move faster, to push harder." I sit down on the edge of the bed, my heart racing. "I'll start winding things down here immediately. Give Mick two weeks' notice, tell Betty I'm leaving. I'll find AA meetings in Atlanta. I'll get everything organized. And the second you have a place and you're ready, I'm there. I'm packing everything I own and I'm coming to you."
Ivan goes dead quiet, and I feel a spike of fear shoot through me. Maybe I'm pushing too hard, too fast. Maybe he's not ready for this yet and I've overstepped. Maybe I've misread everything and he wanted to take it slower and I've just ruined it all.
Again.
"I've already been looking at apartments," he says finally.
"What?" I wasn't expecting that.
"For the past two weeks. Every single day after work, I've been scrolling through listings online, driving by places on my lunch break." He pauses. "There's one I keep coming back to. I've driven by it maybe five times now. It's only about five minutes from Rosalyn's house, in a quiet complex near a park. Two bedrooms, one bathroom, a little balcony. Nothing fancy, nothing special. But it's clean and the rent is reasonable and it feels right."
"You've been looking for two weeks and you didn't tell me?"
"Are you mad?"
"Hell no! I'm not mad. I'm happy about it."
"I didn't want to pressure you," Ivan says. "I know we said we'd take it slow, give you time to pull yourself together. And I didn't want you to feel like I was rushing you before you were ready."
I'm laughing now, half-disbelieving, shaking my head. "Do you have an address of the complex? Or anything I can see?"
"I have pictures on my phone. A lot of pictures. I can send them to you right now."
"Send all of them. I want to see everything."
My phone buzzes a moment later with a flood of images. I put Ivan on speaker and scroll through them slowly, taking in every detail. A small living room with big windows that let in tons of light. A galley kitchen with white cabinets and old appliances. A bedroom that's big enough for a queen bed and has good natural light. A second bedroom that could be an office, or storage, or whatever we need it to be.
It's not much. It's tiny and plain and probably has thin walls and noisy neighbors and a dozen little problems we haven't discovered yet.
It's absolutely perfect.
